Today as I held my phone in my hand I wanted to phone my brother and tell him what I was up to and that I wanted him to tell him to take care and that I loved him. I could also tell him what little battles I had won and what ones I hoped to take on tomorrow, my brother was much more selfless than me and for that I am in awe of still to this day. He would be so proud of me and loving too. If he could see how I was doing today with holding a job down, keeping a roof over my head, having good friends and having a future to look forward to. He has seen me stair into the abyss many a time when we grew up together and the more angry and expressive I became the funnier he would find me because he knew he had my back.

He got married to a women and they through the good grace of God have a child, that child was the most important being in this world to my brother and I hope he knows that one day. Sadly it did not work out between my brother and his wife and so they divorced resulting in one of the most painful experiences in my brothers short life.

My brother had a hotline to God, I shit you not. He could see spirits walking around in the material realm those that had died who possibly were unaware they were dead or liked to stay down here and play with us humies. My brother also told me of a time when he astroprojected his being to check up on someone he cared about wanted to see what they were up to, that scarred the crap out of me and although its not something I can do myself I knew that all these things he experienced were completely true for my brother was my brother and never lied to me.

In that token I fear I have most humies at a disadvantage because even though I cannot and hope never to be able to do these magic tricks that my brother did I know that the fact that he could do them meant they were real and therefore I know there is a supernatural force out there I do not require, proof, faith or even dare I say hope.

I hope my brother is now in heaven for he lived his life as a good man and always nurtured my soul, had my back and would do anything asked for by me. Alas due to his violent suicide I do not know if God will allow him into heaven. Although thanks to one of my Catholic uncles he had a mass held for my brother or had the Priest pray for my brother once he was dead I forget which now it was a few years ago and my memory is not good at the best of times.

I just tried to look up a Catholic prayer for the dead online for my brother and have read and found the one below.

 Prayer for the Dead

1. Catholic Online

• Prayers

God our Father,
Your power brings us to birth,
Your providence guides our lives,
and by Your command we return to dust.

Lord, those who die still live in Your presence,
their lives change but do not end.
I pray in hope for my family,
relatives and friends,
and for all the dead known to You alone.

In company with Christ,
Who died and now lives,
may they rejoice in Your kingdom,
where all our tears are wiped away.
Unite us together again in one family,
to sing Your praise forever and ever.

Amen

Due to the nature and circumstances of his death the prayer does not give peace or comfort to me for I believe in my heart of hearts he should, could and would have still been here today should he have made a better choice and as I am such a persuasive person myself I believe I could have had a chance of saving his life. The people with him that night fought and battled and were bruised in there efforts to fight for his life. My weapons would have been words and tears to stop him in his moment of madness and there is a chance that I could have stopped his death.

So the conundrum is as they say in the Schrödinger’s cat hypothosis which is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935, though the idea originated from Albert Einstein. It illustrates what he saw as the problem of the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics applied to everyday objects. The determination of fate, predictability and predetermination.

Was he meant to die that night, could I have stopped him and is he now in heaven or hell?

He is still my inspiration to this day and I fear or look forward to how deep down the rabbit whole of life I can go as I honor his unfortunate departure to death until we meet again my only brother.