God · Life · music

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

Down to the River to Pray by Alison Kraus from O Brother Where art Thou?

The 28th February 2021 will be 6 years to the day since we lost my brother to him taking his own life on Saturday in 2015. In the early hours of the morning the young warrior was slain, and it was his own hand that pulling his trigger too. So I am the last of my parent’s children and our line could die with me although my brothers son still lives and god willing he might one day have a family of his own and continue my brothers blood line, but he does not feel like he is really anything to do with our family and grows further away from us as each year passes by and his interest or even belief that he is part of this family diminishes over time.

My bro with his beloved dog Sam

I have cousins both on my mothers and fathers side of the family that are fantastic breeders and wonderful people. But alas I truly feel that in all realistic ways my time and chances of having a family of my own and a grandchild or grandchildren for my parents is all but gone. It would have helped if I had been in a relationship long enough to ask a lover to marry me, but having not had that many relationships in my lifetime I have no idea if I could father a child let alone be a good father. I am also insanely shy, when it comes to asking women out on dates and that shyness results in me having been single for the vast majority of my life.

Me and Andy on a trip to France

People don’t really see me as a shy person but with layers and coping mechanisms I have been able to hide it well for many years and my coping mechanisms and tricks, really do help me get by in this crazy world and I feel like I have found people, friends acquaintances and colleagues who like me and I like them too which makes me feel comfortable and at ease in my own skin.  

As I have mentioned to some on here before, my brother was a very spiritual man and he believed that he had a spirit guide that was a Native American spirit guide that communicated with him from the spirit world and I believe this perception of reality that my brother held to be true. My brother Andy was tremendously strong willed, a successful charmer of the ladies and a luckily and driven man. His main flaw was he had no ability to take care of money, but saying that he knew how to take care of people. But ultimately the only person that could beat him at this game of life was himself, when he decided to end his life in one ill tempered moment in time the same zeal and motivation that had fuelled his desire to live tragically resulted in him motivating himself to take his own life.

My Bro Andy

At first when writing this blog page I did not know whether it was appropriate to write on here out of respect for my brother and parents but as it is already on the web from a newspaper article from after his inquest I feel ok to say on here that unfortunately my brother shot himself in what was described by the coroner and those that were there at the time of his death, as a moment of madness. Hence his determination to live life to the full and do what he wanted to do or what he thought was right was twisted and turned on its head at the end of his life and he used his determination and will to sadly take his own life. One of his then partners children who was then only about 18 herself was wrestling a gun off him on this most wicked of nights along with one of my brothers good friends who was also trying to get the gun off him, only to have Andy run into his bedroom where he grabbed a second gun and ended his own life then. This would be the first and last time he would try to take his own life.

It makes you question everything when a life event like this happens or when any life that you love is suddenly taken away, where was/is god? Why did Andy do this to himself? Why did God or even Andy’s spirit guide let this happen? I very quickly and with some anger inside as well as sadness at first blamed my brother for he was the one that pulled the dam trigger.

But blame does not make the hurt go away and does not stop you from loving a person or asking the question why did he do that? The moment of madness ruling by the judge is all we will really ever have to go on. I know we will meet again one day, but hopefully after I am much older than I am now and we can both laugh ourselves silly looking back at mistakes in life that I have yet to even make yet or laugh at funny situations that I have gotten into and continue to get myself into in my life as well as the funny and wonderful situations we shared when he was alive.

An Andy Smile

Most good spirited people in this world seem to have a good and kindly nature and sense of humour, and a unique and positive outlook on life and good way at looking at life and putting a spin on life’s events, situations and settings. I like to think I have one of those perspectives too and my brother had one also and last but not least the most awesome walking spiritual dude on this planet , His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet has one of those positive perspectives on life, (a fellow spiritual person whom is also a singleton you know). My point being is that you have to see the good in people, the laughs in life and have a hunger to continue to want more out of this crazy world in order to find inspiration for a million and 1 ways and reasons to continue to fight the good fight.  

Coronavirus · Life · Politics

If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well

Or Money for nothing and contracts millions given to friends and party donors for free.

I normally don’t get my news from Facebook but today a meme was doing the rounds about the lack of news on an important story.

Matt Hancock the UK Health Minister has been found guilty of not disclosing NHS contracts to the UK public. Now at first you might think well he had a lot of other stuff to do, with say saving the population and all that. But the more you dig into the news (or lack of news item the worse it gets).

The Government unlawfully failed to publish details of billions of pounds’ worth of coronavirus-related contracts, the High Court has ruled.

There looks to be a battle at the heart of government to not give money to local councils and health services for fear of waste and not trusting them to do the jobs they are they are there to do. Or for fear of them doing such a good job they might end up asking for even more money or powedr and control.

Prior to the pandemic we have been force fed for many years the lie that spending money on public health, local government and public service should be cut back, year on year for it is never affordable or practical to spend money on others and not really needed and civilisation itself might even collapse and our capitalist way of life grind to a halt if we try in any way what so ever to fairly fund government services with tax payers money.

Then a real crisis comes along in the shape of the pandemic, which results in a very real scenario of civilisations being put to the test and grinding to a halt and suddenly were all bloody socialist regardless of where you stand on the political spectrum, spending money as a left-winger, centralists or even right-winger on life saving society enhancing services and treatments is now seen as a normal way to do  business..

Coronavirus · music · Politics

Dyslexic diabetic

So since last Thursday that is what I can be boxed off and defined simply as a dyslexic diabetic and to be honest I have been called worse.

I really wanted to put something down on here but at the same time I wanted to absorb the new diagnosis of being a diabetic first and begin to try to understand more on what that definitional and diagnosis now means to me. I have been being tested for it for years and kept on coming back as negative and not having it but blood suger levels slowly increasing year after year and I knew my time would come. My brother had it and so did my Grandfather. My mum has it and so does my Grandmother.

The mental health medication I take also increases my chance of putting on weight and developing diabetes and it seems lockdown and my desire and ability to increase the amount of cakes I have been eating also increased hugely my chance of being diagnoses with diabetes this year, plus the sedentary lifestyle with working at home more and just not having many places to go or reasons to go to them, my chances of getting diabetes this year along with my blood sugar levels just sky rocketed up, up and away.  

It was like I was playing Russian roulette with a gun that had as many bullets in it as it had chambers to fire them out from.

Prior to the diagnosis I really was kidding myself that my health was ok, my diet was ok and my lack of exercise would change. I still don’t know if I am kidding myself but I am trying to get my head around this and make changes that will enhance my health. I have been for so long focused and dedicated to looking after my mental health, holding down a job and keeping a roof over my head that I really did feel there was not much time left to look after my physical health or pretty much do anything else and I am still not sure if this is true now.

So now I have had a wakeup call and if I want to have a good quality of life, I do have to make some lifelong changes to my diet and improve my physical health. I’m pissed off this has happened I see life like a big beautiful, messy and  complicated picture that paints a thousand words or life like a potential journey to a thousand places in a thousand worlds.

world keeps on a spinning

When some new negative words or views are added to my already complicated llfe bubble, one of those words being diabetes and the second being diagnosis it just feels like what was already a struggle to live as a life just got a little harder and it sucks right now.   

First Aid Kit – Silver Lining

Although I am already feeling much better now than when I had first heard the what felt like inevitable news and am beginning to get my head around it now somewhat more and implement some positive changes for myself.

I have signed up to get advice, be educated by and taught more about diabetes by a diabetes mentor of sorts, through our lovely National Health Service and I have stated keeping a photo diary of everything I eat and drink now for the diabetes dietician to mull over and tell me what I am doing right or wrong.

Coronavirus · Life · music

Huwspace.com Website Birthday

It’s exactly one year to the day since the first article was born on this website.

I was reminiscing last night about different types of communication platforms or social media sites that I have followed or used in the past and also wondered why I used them and if or how they used me.

The reason I mention whether they have used me or whether I am using them is that on social media platforms such as Facebook and MySpace you sometimes feel more like you are the product or thing that is being promoted or sold. Where as on a website blog because I control and editing and content of it it feels like I have more ownership over it.

The first website I really enjoyed using was MySpace. It was an amazing platform for sharing music, finding like minded people and also having as a platform for political and ethical activism. The way people shared ideas and raised awareness concerning different issues and ideas really was inspirational and at its peak I do believe it was purchased by Rupert Murdock because of its ability to empower individuals to educate one another to inform and share ideas. To someone like Rupert Murdock such a platform of sharing ideas and ethics was a dangerous thing that was to be bought, sold and suppressed. Someone like him feared and would try to buy and stop a form of communication that might threatened the consensus or shattered what was seen as the norm of political and ethical thinking by the so called rich, great and good defined by corporate media. A platform where people can educate themselves and no longer need to be told what their opinions are because they are too busy thinking for themselves could be feared by some people within power.

We should always aim to speak truth to power – for one day we might be the difference between the worst happening and preventing it from happening.

Man versus Tank – Tiananmen square 5th June 1989

That is what I really like about having a blog, I am my own editor and hopefully those that are reading the published pages are doing so because they want to see what I have been upto or heaven forbid what I might even have to say.  

I really never thought I would have enough to say to be able to do a blog. But once those fingers start tapping away on a keyboard, it can sometimes be that I have too much to say and must try to keep it relevant and to the point.

Being dyslexic also means I am not a fan or find large pages of words difficult to read sometimes and my grammar and spelling are also not great. When I was a child I loved visual mediums such as Cinema, TV and cartoons. But I was not a fan of books and really struggled to try and read books from page to page let alone cover to cover. If I struggled to connect with a book I would find that I could not remember what I was reading at the top of a page once I had gotten to the bottom. Where as with films, TV episodes or cartoons I found them much more memorable and felt more emotionally connected to them than word on a page.

Eddie The Gun – Don’t Be Afraid

Saying that though one thing I do and did love was creative writing trying to build emotional images and stories though words. I am quite an emotional human and so feelings and emotions are part of this human journey and so trying to connect with people and share my morals perceptions of right and wrong with others and also learning what other people’s views of right and wrong are is a fascinating journey that WordPress helps me to continue to travel along. So happy 1 year birthday to this website I hope you have many more birthdays and I look forward to sharing ideas and reading articles and blogs from other fellow WordPress writers too.