God · Life · music

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

Down to the River to Pray by Alison Kraus from O Brother Where art Thou?

The 28th February 2021 will be 6 years to the day since we lost my brother to him taking his own life on Saturday in 2015. In the early hours of the morning the young warrior was slain, and it was his own hand that pulling his trigger too. So I am the last of my parent’s children and our line could die with me although my brothers son still lives and god willing he might one day have a family of his own and continue my brothers blood line, but he does not feel like he is really anything to do with our family and grows further away from us as each year passes by and his interest or even belief that he is part of this family diminishes over time.

My bro with his beloved dog Sam

I have cousins both on my mothers and fathers side of the family that are fantastic breeders and wonderful people. But alas I truly feel that in all realistic ways my time and chances of having a family of my own and a grandchild or grandchildren for my parents is all but gone. It would have helped if I had been in a relationship long enough to ask a lover to marry me, but having not had that many relationships in my lifetime I have no idea if I could father a child let alone be a good father. I am also insanely shy, when it comes to asking women out on dates and that shyness results in me having been single for the vast majority of my life.

Me and Andy on a trip to France

People don’t really see me as a shy person but with layers and coping mechanisms I have been able to hide it well for many years and my coping mechanisms and tricks, really do help me get by in this crazy world and I feel like I have found people, friends acquaintances and colleagues who like me and I like them too which makes me feel comfortable and at ease in my own skin.  

As I have mentioned to some on here before, my brother was a very spiritual man and he believed that he had a spirit guide that was a Native American spirit guide that communicated with him from the spirit world and I believe this perception of reality that my brother held to be true. My brother Andy was tremendously strong willed, a successful charmer of the ladies and a luckily and driven man. His main flaw was he had no ability to take care of money, but saying that he knew how to take care of people. But ultimately the only person that could beat him at this game of life was himself, when he decided to end his life in one ill tempered moment in time the same zeal and motivation that had fuelled his desire to live tragically resulted in him motivating himself to take his own life.

My Bro Andy

At first when writing this blog page I did not know whether it was appropriate to write on here out of respect for my brother and parents but as it is already on the web from a newspaper article from after his inquest I feel ok to say on here that unfortunately my brother shot himself in what was described by the coroner and those that were there at the time of his death, as a moment of madness. Hence his determination to live life to the full and do what he wanted to do or what he thought was right was twisted and turned on its head at the end of his life and he used his determination and will to sadly take his own life. One of his then partners children who was then only about 18 herself was wrestling a gun off him on this most wicked of nights along with one of my brothers good friends who was also trying to get the gun off him, only to have Andy run into his bedroom where he grabbed a second gun and ended his own life then. This would be the first and last time he would try to take his own life.

It makes you question everything when a life event like this happens or when any life that you love is suddenly taken away, where was/is god? Why did Andy do this to himself? Why did God or even Andy’s spirit guide let this happen? I very quickly and with some anger inside as well as sadness at first blamed my brother for he was the one that pulled the dam trigger.

But blame does not make the hurt go away and does not stop you from loving a person or asking the question why did he do that? The moment of madness ruling by the judge is all we will really ever have to go on. I know we will meet again one day, but hopefully after I am much older than I am now and we can both laugh ourselves silly looking back at mistakes in life that I have yet to even make yet or laugh at funny situations that I have gotten into and continue to get myself into in my life as well as the funny and wonderful situations we shared when he was alive.

An Andy Smile

Most good spirited people in this world seem to have a good and kindly nature and sense of humour, and a unique and positive outlook on life and good way at looking at life and putting a spin on life’s events, situations and settings. I like to think I have one of those perspectives too and my brother had one also and last but not least the most awesome walking spiritual dude on this planet , His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet has one of those positive perspectives on life, (a fellow spiritual person whom is also a singleton you know). My point being is that you have to see the good in people, the laughs in life and have a hunger to continue to want more out of this crazy world in order to find inspiration for a million and 1 ways and reasons to continue to fight the good fight.  

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