Down to the River to Pray by Alison Kraus from O Brother Where art Thou?
The 28th February 2021 will be 6 years to the day since we lost my brother to him taking his own life on Saturday in 2015. In the early hours of the morning the young warrior was slain, and it was his own hand that pulling his trigger too. So I am the last of my parent’s children and our line could die with me although my brothers son still lives and god willing he might one day have a family of his own and continue my brothers blood line, but he does not feel like he is really anything to do with our family and grows further away from us as each year passes by and his interest or even belief that he is part of this family diminishes over time.
My bro with his beloved dog Sam
I have cousins both on my mothers and fathers side of the family that are fantastic breeders and wonderful people. But alas I truly feel that in all realistic ways my time and chances of having a family of my own and a grandchild or grandchildren for my parents is all but gone. It would have helped if I had been in a relationship long enough to ask a lover to marry me, but having not had that many relationships in my lifetime I have no idea if I could father a child let alone be a good father. I am also insanely shy, when it comes to asking women out on dates and that shyness results in me having been single for the vast majority of my life.
Me and Andy on a trip to France
People don’t really see me as a shy person but with layers and coping mechanisms I have been able to hide it well for many years and my coping mechanisms and tricks, really do help me get by in this crazy world and I feel like I have found people, friends acquaintances and colleagues who like me and I like them too which makes me feel comfortable and at ease in my own skin.
As I have mentioned to some on here before, my brother was a very spiritual man and he believed that he had a spirit guide that was a Native American spirit guide that communicated with him from the spirit world and I believe this perception of reality that my brother held to be true. My brother Andy was tremendously strong willed, a successful charmer of the ladies and a luckily and driven man. His main flaw was he had no ability to take care of money, but saying that he knew how to take care of people. But ultimately the only person that could beat him at this game of life was himself, when he decided to end his life in one ill tempered moment in time the same zeal and motivation that had fuelled his desire to live tragically resulted in him motivating himself to take his own life.
My Bro Andy
At first when writing this blog page I did not know whether it was appropriate to write on here out of respect for my brother and parents but as it is already on the web from a newspaper article from after his inquest I feel ok to say on here that unfortunately my brother shot himself in what was described by the coroner and those that were there at the time of his death, as a moment of madness. Hence his determination to live life to the full and do what he wanted to do or what he thought was right was twisted and turned on its head at the end of his life and he used his determination and will to sadly take his own life. One of his then partners children who was then only about 18 herself was wrestling a gun off him on this most wicked of nights along with one of my brothers good friends who was also trying to get the gun off him, only to have Andy run into his bedroom where he grabbed a second gun and ended his own life then. This would be the first and last time he would try to take his own life.
It makes you question everything when a life event like this happens or when any life that you love is suddenly taken away, where was/is god? Why did Andy do this to himself? Why did God or even Andy’s spirit guide let this happen? I very quickly and with some anger inside as well as sadness at first blamed my brother for he was the one that pulled the dam trigger.
But blame does not make the hurt go away and does not stop you from loving a person or asking the question why did he do that? The moment of madness ruling by the judge is all we will really ever have to go on. I know we will meet again one day, but hopefully after I am much older than I am now and we can both laugh ourselves silly looking back at mistakes in life that I have yet to even make yet or laugh at funny situations that I have gotten into and continue to get myself into in my life as well as the funny and wonderful situations we shared when he was alive.
An Andy Smile
Most good spirited people in this world seem to have a good and kindly nature and sense of humour, and a unique and positive outlook on life and good way at looking at life and putting a spin on life’s events, situations and settings. I like to think I have one of those perspectives too and my brother had one also and last but not least the most awesome walking spiritual dude on this planet , His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet has one of those positive perspectives on life, (a fellow spiritual person whom is also a singleton you know). My point being is that you have to see the good in people, the laughs in life and have a hunger to continue to want more out of this crazy world in order to find inspiration for a million and 1 ways and reasons to continue to fight the good fight.
So since last Thursday that is what I can be boxed off and defined simply as a dyslexic diabetic and to be honest I have been called worse.
I really wanted to put something down on here but at the same time I wanted to absorb the new diagnosis of being a diabetic first and begin to try to understand more on what that definitional and diagnosis now means to me. I have been being tested for it for years and kept on coming back as negative and not having it but blood suger levels slowly increasing year after year and I knew my time would come. My brother had it and so did my Grandfather. My mum has it and so does my Grandmother.
The mental health medication I take also increases my chance of putting on weight and developing diabetes and it seems lockdown and my desire and ability to increase the amount of cakes I have been eating also increased hugely my chance of being diagnoses with diabetes this year, plus the sedentary lifestyle with working at home more and just not having many places to go or reasons to go to them, my chances of getting diabetes this year along with my blood sugar levels just sky rocketed up, up and away.
It was like I was playing Russian roulette with a gun that had as many bullets in it as it had chambers to fire them out from.
Prior to the diagnosis I really was kidding myself that my health was ok, my diet was ok and my lack of exercise would change. I still don’t know if I am kidding myself but I am trying to get my head around this and make changes that will enhance my health. I have been for so long focused and dedicated to looking after my mental health, holding down a job and keeping a roof over my head that I really did feel there was not much time left to look after my physical health or pretty much do anything else and I am still not sure if this is true now.
So now I have had a wakeup call and if I want to have a good quality of life, I do have to make some lifelong changes to my diet and improve my physical health. I’m pissed off this has happened I see life like a big beautiful, messy and complicated picture that paints a thousand words or life like a potential journey to a thousand places in a thousand worlds.
world keeps on a spinning
When some new negative words or views are added to my already complicated llfe bubble, one of those words being diabetes and the second being diagnosis it just feels like what was already a struggle to live as a life just got a little harder and it sucks right now.
First Aid Kit – Silver Lining
Although I am already feeling much better now than when I had first heard the what felt like inevitable news and am beginning to get my head around it now somewhat more and implement some positive changes for myself.
I have signed up to get advice, be educated by and taught more about diabetes by a diabetes mentor of sorts, through our lovely National Health Service and I have stated keeping a photo diary of everything I eat and drink now for the diabetes dietician to mull over and tell me what I am doing right or wrong.
It’s exactly one year to the day since the first article was born on this website.
I was reminiscing last night about different types of communication platforms or social media sites that I have followed or used in the past and also wondered why I used them and if or how they used me.
The reason I mention whether they have used me or whether I am using them is that on social media platforms such as Facebook and MySpace you sometimes feel more like you are the product or thing that is being promoted or sold. Where as on a website blog because I control and editing and content of it it feels like I have more ownership over it.
The first website I really enjoyed using was MySpace. It was an amazing platform for sharing music, finding like minded people and also having as a platform for political and ethical activism. The way people shared ideas and raised awareness concerning different issues and ideas really was inspirational and at its peak I do believe it was purchased by Rupert Murdock because of its ability to empower individuals to educate one another to inform and share ideas. To someone like Rupert Murdock such a platform of sharing ideas and ethics was a dangerous thing that was to be bought, sold and suppressed. Someone like him feared and would try to buy and stop a form of communication that might threatened the consensus or shattered what was seen as the norm of political and ethical thinking by the so called rich, great and good defined by corporate media. A platform where people can educate themselves and no longer need to be told what their opinions are because they are too busy thinking for themselves could be feared by some people within power.
We should always aim to speak truth to power – for one day we might be the difference between the worst happening and preventing it from happening.
Man versus Tank – Tiananmen square 5th June 1989
That is what I really like about having a blog, I am my own editor and hopefully those that are reading the published pages are doing so because they want to see what I have been upto or heaven forbid what I might even have to say.
I really never thought I would have enough to say to be able to do a blog. But once those fingers start tapping away on a keyboard, it can sometimes be that I have too much to say and must try to keep it relevant and to the point.
Being dyslexic also means I am not a fan or find large pages of words difficult to read sometimes and my grammar and spelling are also not great. When I was a child I loved visual mediums such as Cinema, TV and cartoons. But I was not a fan of books and really struggled to try and read books from page to page let alone cover to cover. If I struggled to connect with a book I would find that I could not remember what I was reading at the top of a page once I had gotten to the bottom. Where as with films, TV episodes or cartoons I found them much more memorable and felt more emotionally connected to them than word on a page.
Eddie The Gun – Don’t Be Afraid
Saying that though one thing I do and did love was creative writing trying to build emotional images and stories though words. I am quite an emotional human and so feelings and emotions are part of this human journey and so trying to connect with people and share my morals perceptions of right and wrong with others and also learning what other people’s views of right and wrong are is a fascinating journey that WordPress helps me to continue to travel along. So happy 1 year birthday to this website I hope you have many more birthdays and I look forward to sharing ideas and reading articles and blogs from other fellow WordPress writers too.
Today the UK marked a grim reaper of a covid-19 milestone. We recoded over 100,000 people that had tested positive with Covid-19 prior to their deaths that then went on to die. One hundred thousand people are such a large amount of people that it is almost unimaginable. As a teenager in high school we had a large sports hall that could fit around 1000 pupils in it for an assembly, so that is a way I could try and visualise the amount of people being 100 high school sports halls of people having died because of this terrible virus.
So far I think on a personal level I have not been as severely affected as many, many people have. I hope that that continues to be the case. I am not a huge social butterfly and so I don’t miss going out that much although it does feel like life is on hold sometimes.
With work I still get out to the office 3 days a week and so that is still taking place although I prefer working from home to going into the office.
I live on my own and covid-19 has not changed that I enjoy my own company and through new digital platforms such as this have continued to express myself and feel like I am doing something constructive or real. But it often just feels like I am typing a diary to myself for my memories and forget or don’t worry too much that others might read this too.
I received a letter from the National Health Service a couple of weeks ago asking if I wanted to sign up to take a coronavirus blood test which will try and determine if I have had covid-19 in the past and whether I have any antibodies to Covid-19. This sounded really interesting and important research to help with so I signed up and got my testing kit today.
So I did the test not 100% sure if I made a mistake when doing it (which I told them about when feeding my results back). It looks like it might have come back as positive for having had it in the past, but I would prefer to take a second test to be sure.
I volunteered to have my test results shared with the NHS and also for them to be able to access and monitor my health results for the next 20 years should they need to, I am in no way paranoid about giving them access to my records and not that I need to but I am sure I could withdraw my consent at any time should I change my mind.
I thought I might have had a serious case of flue last January which I always thought could have been covid-19 and this test result simply backs up that case. I hope to not have again what I had then. It was the mental side effects that unrolled last year more than the physical that concern me the most.
Having been a person who has experienced severe mental health difficulties in the past and who now takes two tablets a day (possibly for the rest of my life) to prevent things like that happening again or at least to reduce the risks or chances of things like that reacuring. I cannot over state to you the joy of experiencing non negative or even positive mental health days and moments in time.
I have just watch a new US press briefing at the White House with Dr Anthony Fauci now working for President Joe Biden and although the Covid-19 crisis is severe and will likely get worse before it gets better. One refreshing ray of sunshine in this briefing is that the US administration and Dr Falci have a plan and are very much up for this battle.
Dr Anthony Fauci
With day after day and bleak report after bleak report it can sometimes feel that nothing is changing and you just don’t know when something is going to change, but back in the beating heart of western democracy and the free world, there are people with plans who will hopefully greatly assist in the battle against covid-19, against the damage to the global economy and against the competing crisis of also battling climate change and saving or reestablishing our wilderness areas.
Heather Smal – Proud
Mr President it really does feel like the USA has once again rejoined the battle to try and save this world from itself.
Does Trump have an angel or a devil resting on his shouder- well sadly your view of him might only be shaped by the TV channel you watch or the newspaper you read. It seems free thinking and an ability to interpret truth from lies or fact from fiction are dying arts, well for now anyway.
For many mere mortals living is hard & life is not easy, so when someone is put into a position of power to have a chance of make our lives better, less dangerous or fairer. You hope that they will have the strength of will and ability to do so. But if they make things harder, cost more lives or even sow seeds of doubt into the very systems they were elected to up hold then I tend to judge them harshly. If they make matters worse than prior to when they took up the power of leadership that they had craved then they have surely failed on any measure of what makes them a good leader.
Donald Trump stated on January 6, 2021 in a speech on the Ellipse outside the White House:
“We won. We won in a landslide. This was a landslide.”
A crowd of President Donald Trump’s supporters later stormed the U.S. Capitol Jan. 6, wearing and waving Trump-branded paraphernalia and flags as they sought to overturn the election.
There is no credible evidence that the crowd was infiltrated or led by antifa activists in disguise. Specific individuals held up online as antifa activists turned out to be Trump supporters.
Trump had encouraged his supporters to come to Washington to protest the election. He spoke at a rally hours before the violence erupted and urged those in attendance to march to Congress.
It takes a certain type of leader to have the balls or to be completely incompetence in order to state or preach information that they know not to be true to their supporters knowing that the consequences of what they do will hurt and potential incite violence and bloodshed.
Trump and his minions have continued to do this on such a regular basis that his supporters must not know if they are coming or going. When the people of the land and the courts and political institutions all unanimously agree that Trump has lost the election and Trump has ZERO evidence to the contrary that does not stop him bleating to his supports that he won and it’s all a hoax. What kind of delusion or lack of principles motivates a man to do this?
He damages his countries own political stability and this has also cost many lives. Historians will have a fiercely negative reading of Trump as they learn more of the consequences of what he has done and continue to interpret his so called facts to fiction and truths to lies.
There is nothing good about Trump, there is nothing theologicaly Christian in his views. Those that perceive him to be some kind of angelic political messiah really need to have a great deal of facts checked and lies revealed to them.
Trump should bare the burden and responsibility of the lies and fiction that he has created about himself, his policies and his lack of principles.
Today was my last day in work until Christmas. I now have one week off until I log into my work computer again to do some work and even better than that I managed to get all the work that I hoped to do today done. Presents bought and wrapped, Christmas songs playing on Spotify. Though this Christmas is in no way normal for pretty much everyone.
Merry Christmas 2020 one and all
In a normal year in the week building up to Christmas day I would be out on a Wednesday night like tonight listening to music in a bar exchanging cards, gifts and stories with friends whilst getting merry with a Christmas Guinness or two.
I’m afraid I am not a household drinker of alcohol so lockdown drinking does not really happen for me. I still have four cans of Guinness being kept cool in my fridge that I was given from my workplace for leaving my old job back in July. There is something lovely about a social pint in a bar with friends, family or strangers just does not do when drinking at home on my own. Therefore I just don’t drink alcohol at home alone.
They say people forget what they do when they drink (too much). But for me some of my most cherished memories are from times when I was having a drink with strangers, family or friends.
Back to Christmas!
Gabrielle Aplin – Happy Xmas (War is Over)
In a normal year my bags would be packed now and I would be on the first train out of Exeter to visit my mum to stay with her for Christmas. I even booked the day off work Christmas eve to travel to Cornwall. But we all took the decision not to meet up for Christmas this year and have a catcup around Easter 2021 instead or after Mum has had a vaccination against Covid-19 first and is in a better position to be protected against the virus. After such a difficult time the one thing I did not want to give to either of my parents for Christmas is the risk of bringing Covid-19 to either of my parents, so better to be safe than sorry.
Instead I will be spending Christmas with a friend who also would have been spending it alone in Exeter this year due to his circumstances too, so our social bubble is legal and legit for a Christmas day meal together. He is vegetarian so nearly all of the food I am cooking is vegetarian, all bought and ready to cook. I am really looking forward to it. I even have some Guinness flavoured coffee to get me going on Christmas morning.
Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
So here it is Merry Christmas from Exeter in the UK its just gone 12 midnight and it is now officially Christmas Eve 2020 here. I look to the future now, its only just begun. I hope you do to.
Well I tried to do a survey on my last post and so far only three people have responded so this time I would be answering the questions myself a sort of summary of 2020 and see how this goes.
One of my favourite songs I have listened to this year Song for Zula by Phosporescent
Question 1. Hardest thing I had to do this year.
Making sure I did not have a complete meltdown and go backwards in life after having a severe mental health blip at the beginning of the year. Some time back in March I went to A&E with huge concerns for my mental health I think it was a few weeks before the first lock down started. The thing was I had a chest infection and bad cold/flue or covid-19 thing at the beginning of 2020 and it stole from me my ability to sleep properly at night and I kind of slipped into a non sleeping, spaced out and obsessed with Covid-19 taking hold around the world mess.
I had enough insight to realise that I was unwell, which is why I went to the hospital. I managed to have a good talk to the on duty mental health team there and got a lot off my chest about how to move things forward. After four days off work gathering my thoughts and learning how to sleep again I was able to carry on working and kept ticking over until I had recovered from my mental mess more thoroughly.
Questions 2. Greatest achievement of 2020?
Also back in March I went for a job interview for the council working in environmental health and amazingly got offered and accepted the job. The job did not start until July 13th. This was because I needed to be trained up in office in order to learn how to do the job so was only aloud to start after the first lockdown had finished.
Question 3. Best purchase of 2020?
I went and bought a tree, not just any tree mind you but a book published in 1770 that had a print of Yggdrasil. Yggdrasil (from Old Norse Yggdrasill) is an immense mythical tree that plays a central role in Norse cosmology, where it connects the Nine Worlds.
I did a little research on the print and found out I could by the origianl book with the print in it would cost me less than buying a copy of the print to hang up on my wall straight from a retailer. So I got the book, scanned the image into my computer, then uploaded the scan onto a website that turns scans and photos into pictures to go an walls on canvases and had the picture produced onto a canvas frame and posted to me to go on my wall in my lounge above where I now work for the council when I work at home.
Isn’t it lovely
At the time you could buy this image on eBay as a print for about £60 but the way that I produced it meant I had the original book that the print came from along with the framed print for half the price. A good deal in deed.
Speaking of Trees and life – The tallest tree in Wales had been damaged by a storm and was supposed to be cut down, but a better solution was found. Natural Resource Wales, which was in charge of the site, ordered artist O ‘ Rourke to cut down the tree. He cameup with the concept of carving what the tree stump and trunk into a giant hand – to symbolise the tree’s last attempt to reach the sky. Once completed, the sculpture was coated with tung oil, a natural vegetable oil safe for the closeness of the riverways.
Question 4. Silliest purchase(s) of 2020?
I bought a box load of DVD’s to sell on eBay to raise money for local Exeter charities. At the time their shops were all in lockdown so I thought I would raise some money for them by having online auctions for them on eBay. What could go wrong, well quite a lot actually? I still have boxes of stuff here ready to give away to charity shops as struggled to sell on eBay.
Question 5. Silliest/riskiest thing I did during a lockdown?
I am not a real risk taker most of the time but it’s those times when I do take risks I think later on “what the hell were you thinking” “just don’t bloody do it again”. Well one of those times after the first lockdown had taken place was joining in a drink game with a bunch of people I did not know in a pub that I very much know and enjoy. It only happened once but the next day I was cursing myself with thoughts of “what the hell were you thinking” “just don’t bloody do it again!!”
Question 6. What did I like about this year?
I love nature but I really managed to rediscover nature on my doorstep. When walking the street in spring and early summer at 6am to head to a shop to get a paper and some milk or other supplies, I found that such a magical time to be alive on a clear day the birds sing like they are giving you a personal performance and I even got a bird table to feed the many starlings, fat pigeons and little sparrows that would hop onto my bird table.
Food for thought
Van William – Revolution (Music Video) ft. First Aid Kit
This year has been and continues to be a revolutionary year and for good or ill the revolution continues to go on day by day. Some will win some have lost, some will survive some will not. A lot will live and many will die. Good things have happened and better may come still.
The fact that I am still here and you the reader are still here is a huge plus for me to.
Happy Christmas to you and yours and best of luck for whatever 2021 throws in your direction.
With over 70 million people in the USA believing in and voting for Trump while the rest of the world looked to Biden with both hope of a new road and feared for another 4 years of Trump this is perhaps a time to not only be looking at what decided the election result but why people vote the way they do.
Amy Winehouse – Rehab
With that in mind I would like to try and conduct a little international political survey asking people what matters to you when you vote. I am genuinely interested in what makes people tick and what issues are high up on your agenda?
