When a political leader boasts of his plans to expand his own nations land by acquiring through military or economic means against the will of the people who already live or own it in the name of ‘the protection of the free world’ – well your world is no longer going to be free.
Donald Trump is threatening and warning other nations not to stand in his way as he moves to acquire Canada as the 51st state, Greenland as an island of national interest and the panama canal becoming owned by the US.
Trump talks a lot of hostile nonsense as fact and he does it so often it risks becoming fact. If Britain turned around and said that Ireland should now become a nation of the UK or vice-versa there would be uproar and outrage quite rightly but Trump announces which parts of the world he has decided to govern and the world does not blink an eye.
The man is dangerous and for someone that does not use the word evil lightly I would also describe him as a bad and evil man this is not trash talk, this is fact. Based on words, actions and deeds. I don’t know why someone can have the gall to call themselves a Christian either Catholic or other and support, defend or rally around the policies of this president elect. He has a one way ticket to hell when his maker calls time on his life and I hope he does not drag many others there through his strength of will and convictions to.
Our family get together for Christmas 2024 with my Mum, my Dad and my Dad’s partner Shamen – we always try and get together for a Christmas meal as close to Christmas day as possible and this year we all turned up at my mums for a festive meal enjoyed by us all on Christmas day.
It’s strange I started writing this at 4:42am on the Monday 30th December after not much sleep thinking about what Christmas means to me and what the future might hold in 2025. Christmas means different things to different people. Whether it’s a religious festival for the birth of the son of god and your messiah, a chance to have a holiday and relax at a cold and bleak time of the year, a chance to reflect on what just happened in the year that has just taken place and plan or prepare for what might happen in 2025. Or a chance to catch up and spend time with family, for me it’s a mixture of many of those listed above.
I’m thinking alot about the time at the moment, the time we have, times that are special, times that change and when there is no time left at all.
Well its new years eve already tomorrow, doesn’t time just fly
Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.
Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.
Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-
“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx
A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.
Andy Edwards my bro
I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.
At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.
A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.
I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.
So sad 9th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.
I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!
To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.
Well this month has been a strange one some nice things happened but some strange emotions and stressful times experienced too and I guess the January blues have just slowly creeped up on me as the month has gone on. I am normally good at providing support to others but not great at receiving support or asking for it myself. I often find it better to write about stress and challenges after the event when I have processed the event and come to terms with it myself.
I had just booked a week off over Christmas which did not feel long enough and then I booked off another week in the 3rd week of January. That was nice and relaxing but felt quite out of my depth when coming back to work, which had got busy and I started back with a very early start after a night of not sleeping well. There were things I had to try and deal with that were stressful and challenging as soon as I walked back through the door into the office. I am hoping that February will bring in a little more calmness, stability and cheer but there will be hard work ahead too.
I get restless sometimes at this time of year and want to try changing things that I don’t think are working or healthy for me.
The world is forever changing, for some this presents opportunities and for some it presents threats. It is not just about what is happening but it is about how you perceive it to be happening or how you are informed or misinformed on what is going on.
With increased technological developments taking place as well as a communications network like none ever developed on our planet prior to the last 20 years with the internet, TV and telecommunications. We can now see, hear and be informed within seconds or minutes of developments on earth that we might never have been informed about or might have possibly only learned about after the event years later in history books or documentaries.
So our means of communicating changes has changed as well. Our climate is also changing, as again to our ability to be informed of those changes. We were not always aware of big earthquakes, volcanoes, storms and hurricanes affecting places around the globe. But now with 24 hour news it’s very much a news filler item to watch the suffering of others around the globe in these horrific condition and not only that but due to global climate chaos they are actually happening more frequently too.
Industrialisation of work force and artificial intelligence developments making AI better than humans at doing jobs we once thought we could do for life? So not only do we have to worry about will we earn enough to be attractive and provide for another partner or family, we now could end up finding that our career passion the job we love doing is ultimately not able to be done by us any more and has been outsourced to a PC or machine of some other type.
So these issues are happening and one main inevitability is that change is constant and continuous, you cannot stop change from happening but you can engage to what is changing and reflect on it, accommodate it, do your best to manage it in your life or try to understand it and how it effects you.
One way I get my head around understanding changes going on in the political world is by supporting and advocating for changes I want to see by joining a political party such as the Green Party, or becoming a member of a charity such as Moor Trees. Though my contributions may be small in the scheme of things, they still matter and contributing to a bigger picture for potential positive change in a way I would like the world around me to be shaped. Change is not always negative and great and beautiful things do come into this world when changes are able to be made and realised.
Another way to perhaps be aware of change and understand how it affects you is to read, listen and watch news articles and stories. Though not always a pleasant thing to do and best not to put your interpretations all into one basket of news sources but to take from a variety of sources. The newspaper review on BBC news or UK Sky (Not Murdock owned or dictated to news) can be informative when they discuss the next days headlines with some interpretations of what those headlines are. I tend to find the more you just listen to one persons perspective though the more chance you have of being misinformed, manipulated or indoctrinated into another’s view when its far more important to try and think for yourself.
One final little point is regarding if the world is changing for better or worse are we at the end of time? Or the end of days or is an apocalypse around our corner. Well I hope not but again that’s just a matter of opinion. People have feared, expected or written about living in the end of days, a war that will end all war or Armageddon being around the corner for thousands of years in religious circles and I can only assume if you believe in a certain deity then you have also had to be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before they call last orders at the global bar and closing time on all earth, man and existence as we know it. If you don’t believe in said god then you will alternatively think that’s an impossibility of a God that does not exist to call time on something that they have no power over because they are not here to do it! Finally on this point about whether we could be entering a time of growth, goodness, fear or darkness.
Well I don’t believe in a god that could destroy its own creation as a promise it made to its people. I don’t believe in a god that puts some people on the side of being good people due to where or who they were born from or came from and others on the side of evil due to where they were born or who they were born from or came from. I really just don’t accept that the god I pray to, believe in or work for and live by could be so narrow minded! The god I believe in is not fighting for Armageddon against an inherent enemy but fighting for justice for all of life and creation.
Between Christmas and New Year 2023 to 2024, me and my Dad made a decision to to go back to Ireland in 2024. I am so excited about the idea of going over there again. We have been on Holiday to Ireland in 2018 and 2019. Goodness those dates seem such a long time ago now and the two trips somehow have blended into one in my mind and some of the memories from those trips still feel like they happened just yesterday.
When we went to Ireland on our two journeys in the past we planned our holidays around horse race meetings and went to 3 different race courses which were Leopardstown, Tipperary and Tremor we were also supposed to go to a race course called Gowran Park but it was raining so much we never made it to the race course. When we went to Leopardstown we also ended up seeing one of my all time favourite bands playing at the race course who are called the Waterboys and they sang one of my favourite songs ‘Whole of the Moon’ on a moonlit night too which was just awesome.
Galway City – Ireland
This time when we go we are planning on being in Galway for St Patrick’s day which will just be magical. I am so excited about this, I just hope we can pull it off and go. The accommodation is already booked and the places we will be staying in look awesome, passports are also hopefully sorted now and we just need to make sure we can book our ferry over from Pembroke dock to Rosslare (and also hope the weather is good enough to allow us to travel across by Ferry from Wales to Southern Ireland! We plan to spend a few days in Dublin too where we will fly back to Exeter.
The trip this time around so far is all planned around the destinations were going to and the accommodation were staying in. No horse racing meetings to go to in Ireland for us this time although it just so happens that the biggest race meeting of the year is taking place in the UK which is called the Cheltenham Gold Cup, so we will be keeping an eye on that from wherever we are in Ireland.
Once we have got the ferry to Ireland we will head to Wexford which we have both really like and have stayed in before. After that we will then head to Cork where my Dad’s side of the family are from originally. Dad has never been to Cork but spoke about wanting to go there for years so it will be a really special place to visit and I have reserved a lovely hotel in the centre of Cork.
Maldron Hotel – Cork
We will then head to Limerick before arriving to Galway for St Patricks day. Finally head to Dublin to spend at least one night in the Temple Bar Inn Which I still have not worked out yet if it is next door to the Temple Bar pub in Dublin or whether it is actually the Temple Bar Pub in Dublin, I guess I will find out when we get there and then from Dublin we will catch a flight back home to Exeter.
Temple Bar – Dublin
I must absolutely promise myself to try and get some photos of where we are going to this time. I have taken so few photos of Ireland from my visits in the past and so really want to try and get some photos this time.
Do you ever feel like the world that we live in is not as it should be?
A world not as advanced, kind and caring for you as you think it should aspire to be?
Do you ever feel you should be more appreciative of what you have and yet you are more disappointed in what you don’t have?
Grateful for the roof over your head and the food in your belly, but somehow hoping and expecting more out of life?
Do you ever feel like though your little bubble is safe, calm and relatively sane but it could be burst within a second and lead you to despair?
A bubble that though looks secure, good even inviting to others that could be burst quite easily if you do or say the wrong thing, lose a job or house or friend?
Do you ever feel like you strive and fight hard for what you already have and expect little more in return?
Well welcome to the matrix of reality, the machine of human existence, endurance and evolution. The lifeline and fire blanket of existence that tries to keeps you out of harm’s way and helps you feel relatively safe where you are with what you have.
With the threat or reality of your current situation in life being taken away from you or pulled from under your feet and the severe consequences that that might have for you and your loved ones meaning you will fight hard to keep your little piece of existence in place.
I started to write this thinking why do we not confront the matrix of reality that we live in and strive harder to change what we have or to demand there must be more.
But now weirdly for me this has turned into an opposite line of thought and argument on why we strive not to confront the matrix of reality and aspire instead to find contentment in what we have and acceptance in who we are and what we do.
It seems more often the not even just the little that we have is often too much to lose!
So it is 12 nights before Christmas day, lots going on in Exeter with the build up to Christmas we are having a ‘Christmas breakfast’ tomorrow for work colleagues, rather than an organised Christmas night out, I think the boss is afraid to meet up with too many staff that have had too many drinks in case they have a go at him, so he’s chickened out of allowing us to have a Christmas staff night out this year.
The world has some potential good news for a change and a little unexpected too with nations at COP28 the UN climate summit agreeing for the first time to take explicit aim at the use of fossil fuels. The talks in Dubai came close to collapse but in a dramatic turn-around, nations agreed to “transition away” from coal, oil and gas.
But my mood for the night is one of contemplation for the past, present and future. Sorry to be brief but sometimes a much needed mulching over of my minds view, thoughts and feelings are much needed and this just so happens to be one of those times.
Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.
I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)
My Bro Andy
It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.
Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.
Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way. Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.
Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.
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