It’s complicated

Life has been busy and tiring for me since my Ireland holiday and also with the world in a continuous chaotic crisis, I sometimes just don’t want to type something in case the situation I’m typing about gets even more unstable than that it was when first put into words.

I just tried to shape a thought in my head which is why do people hate and fear refugees or asylum seekers so much, what exactly should we hate and fear them for? Why do they bother coming to a country like the USA or Britain to be hated and feared. why bother?

Well if the country that they lived in was at war or in some form of crisis resulting in no food or shelter, then some would run to the nearest refugee camp. But others not merely wanting to survive but thrive would seek a new life, not just for themselves but for their future generations and if the free world philosophy is to be believed then you would run to those countries that have freedoms for their citizens and a chance to thrive such as the USA or Britain. The USA did not become a great nation by turning people away and just looking after its own. It became a great nation by welcoming those from abroad not turning its back on them.

Admittedly there is not enough room or decent infrastructure within any country to welcome all of the immigrants that would choose to live within their new country of choice. But that does not in any way mean we must demonise people seeking a better life due to the hell of war, climate change and famine within the country they wish to escape from. We should be doing more to protect care for and humanise the living conditions of all people from all over the world. If the countries of the world do not collectively see other countries wars, climate change crisis and famines as there problems then sooner or later those starving and desperate people will turn up on your boarders trying to seek refuge and shelter.

It might be convenient then to blame them for the circumstances that led to the crisis that they finds them in, in your county but by trying to criminalise them or cart them off to an unsafe future is in no way solving the problems for them or clearing countries of their responsibility to other fellow human beings.

There are many elections coming up in the UK and USA over the next 12 months which will have consequences upon not just you and your life but the lives of those whose very life or death might be in the hands of the politicians that you vote for as to whether they are given help or are hindered shown mercy or demonised so when you do vote, which of course you should really do, think about what and who you vote for and what and who the consequences are for from that vote.

Read All About It, Pt. III by Emeli Sandé

💕Goodnight sweetheart 💕

Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29^th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.

Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29^th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.

Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-

“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx

Damien Rice – the Blower’s daughter

Lovely day for a Limerick

So day 3 in Ireland, we have had a lot of rain on our travels but it certainly has not dampened our spirits. We were in Cork yesterday and Dad went on a wonder in the evening and managed to get some lovely evening photos.

Photo of one of the bridges across Cork.

The photos that Dad got above were taken on his iPhone ill try and pursade him to take some more while we are here. It’s been so cloudy since we have been in Ireland and it rained alot on the first day in Wexford. But when we arrived in Wexford this afternoon the sun came out to say hello.

So we have checked in to the Old Quarter Town house now where I’m just catching my breath. It’s a bar and restaurant with live music reminds me a little of The Ship in Exeter though don’t know if any where here does karaoke on a Friday though.

Three ports and a railway

So me and Dad arrived in Ireland yesterday evening, though we nearly did not make it due to our ferry being cancelled because of bad weather.

We set off from Exeter St David’s train station at 7.20am on Wednesday 13th March 2024.

I’m going to try and get more photos of the trip this holiday I normally try to relax and enjoy the moment and drink too much Guinness and not look like a tourist. But what the heck I’m on holiday and I am a tourist.

So we then headed to Bristol it turns out the Cheltenham horse racing meeting was on too so as we got closer to Cheltenham the train got busier and busier. Luckily for us though we were able to change train at Bristol Temple Meads and head to Swansea in South Wales.

We got to Swansea dad dashed out of train station to smoke a pipe and I walked to the next platform our train to where we were hoping to get a ferry to Ireland from was departing from.

A message then came up saying ferry to Fishguard cancelled. We started worrying about what are options were then and I phoned the ferry company and they told us to get to Fishguard where they would lay on a taxi to Pembrook dock where we could catch a different ferry to rosslare Harbour. So off we went.

So we were on the ferry and the waters a bit choppy but Ireland was our destination of choice. There were only 17 walk on passengers on the whole ferry the rest were in cars or lorries. Due to the time of year more people were heading from Ireland to Cheltenham for the races than the other way around.

We finally arrived at the hotel about 8pm so nearly a 13 hours traveling. It had been a long day and a little stressful not knowing at times how, when or if we would get to Ireland.

First pint on Irish soil was a lemonade.

The hotel that we stayed in on 13 March had a bar and restaurant where we were able to get some gorgeous food and I got my glass of lemonade. My stomach needed settling with some food as all I had ate on the day was a croissant for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch so by 9pm I was needing to eat.

We did make it out to a bar on our favourite part of Wexford where I was able to finally have my first pint in Ireland listen to local musicians play some traditional it was awesome!

We’re off to Cork today where my Dad’s grandfather was born. Dad has never visited Cork so he is really looking forward to going.

Also I nearly forgot to mention that a message came up on my Facebook page to say the 13th March 2000 me and some friends also went to Ireland for 8 days in Dublin. Some 24 years ago. How time flies.

So Spring has sprung

Now in March I hope that spring brings green shoots of optimism and a little bit of budding of new and fresh positivity like from the first sighting of snowdrops to blue bells in fields of raw emotion in woodlands of ages past. Where hope spring eternal and I am pleased to hope that a little bit more of a positive attitude and things to believe in are finally here.

Though life does not unfold like a story written in a book, often enough with chapters of trials leading to happy endings. We still interpret what is happening and write it down to share as if it were a story or as though we have a tale to tell.

One thing I am grateful to discover and am seeing alot at the moment is the value of friendships, in work, within family, at home and socially too from talking , texting, meeting and greeting and sharing moments too.

People really have shown compassion, strength of belief in me and support in a way I sometimes don’t expect. Or I sometimes expect to have to cope alone in life or on my own without the support of others, where as in reality to have that support of a call or text at a certain time or a shared drink in a bar or cheering of a song I have sung and assistance with a task in work are all very much valued moments in time which are very much appreciated.

A rare last min photo of me, late night and scruffy but well its been taken now!

I am very much normally expect to rely on myself, but I have had a number of people remind me that I don’t need to do this all the time and that is comforting to see hear and know. As you get older you might think in some ways you are more alone but I feel if you give life and people a chance and reach out to others there is a chance that they will reach back to you too.

Fast Changes by Seal

Andy Edwards nearly 9 years since we lost you.

A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28^th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.

I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.

At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.

A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.

I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.

So sad 9^th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.

I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!

To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.

Hoping for an end to the January Blues

Well this month has been a strange one some nice things happened but some strange emotions and stressful times experienced too and I guess the January blues have just slowly creeped up on me as the month has gone on. I am normally good at providing support to others but not great at receiving support or asking for it myself. I often find it better to write about stress and challenges after the event when I have processed the event and come to terms with it myself.

I had just booked a week off over Christmas which did not feel long enough and then I booked off another week in the 3^rd week of January. That was nice and relaxing but felt quite out of my depth when coming back to work, which had got busy and I started back with a very early start after a night of not sleeping well. There were things I had to try and deal with that were stressful and challenging as soon as I walked back through the door into the office. I am hoping that February will bring in a little more calmness, stability and cheer but there will be hard work ahead too.

I get restless sometimes at this time of year and want to try changing things that I don’t think are working or healthy for me.

Ella Grace – Wild Roads

Welcome to the matrix

Do you ever feel like the world that we live in is not as it should be?

A world not as advanced, kind and caring for you as you think it should aspire to be?

Do you ever feel you should be more appreciative of what you have and yet you are more disappointed in what you don’t have?

Grateful for the roof over your head and the food in your belly, but somehow hoping and expecting more out of life?

Do you ever feel like though your little bubble is safe, calm and relatively sane but it could be burst within a second and lead you to despair?

A bubble that though looks secure, good even inviting to others that could be burst quite easily if you do or say the wrong thing, lose a job or house or friend?

Do you ever feel like you strive and fight hard for what you already have and expect little more in return?

Well welcome to the matrix of reality, the machine of human existence, endurance and evolution. The lifeline and fire blanket of existence that tries to keeps you out of harm’s way and helps you feel relatively safe where you are with what you have.

With the threat or reality of your current situation in life being taken away from you or pulled from under your feet and the severe consequences that that might have for you and your loved ones meaning you will fight hard to keep your little piece of existence in place.

I started to write this thinking why do we not confront the matrix of reality that we live in and strive harder to change what we have or to demand there must be more.

But now weirdly for me this has turned into an opposite line of thought and argument on why we strive not to confront the matrix of reality and aspire instead to find contentment in what we have and acceptance in who we are and what we do.

It seems more often the not even just the little that we have is often too much to lose!

Nick Drake – ‘Cello Song

Happy 70th Birthday Mum

We celebrated my mum’s 70^th birthday this week. We went to the Tom Cobley Tavern, which is a lovely pub in the village of Spreyton where I grew up. We all have such good memories of this place and Mum, Dad and Dad’s partner have not all been here for quite a few years and we have certainly not been here all together for a while too. We all had a lovely day with mum and Dad and Dad’s partner Shamen catching up with old friends from the village of Spreyton. There were 12 of us at the meal in the bar which Dad also used to work in and the meal was lovely and the cake that we had made for Mum’s birthday looked beautiful and tasted absolutely delicious.

Words can hurt or heal

So what did yours do today?

I have just watched the following speech which I would definitely recommend you watch too about the power of words.

Mohammed Qahtani – The Power of words

I love to write words and speak them at times, to change or influence a point of view or perception on reality or life.

A friend of mine discovered or invented the phrase “a social hand grenade” as soon as I heard it I thought what a cool expression, what it meant was to throw a word or phrase into a conversation that would have maximum impact and if you did it to the right person or people at the right time to blow their mind too. I thought to myself what a great concept.

Over the years I have tried to put words into a conversation so as to have a positive impact on the person that I am speaking to rather than a negative. Although more often than not in the sad and disappointing times of my life when I have been sad and angry I have said things that still haunt me to this day.

More often than not to women that I thought had spurned me or decided they were openly no longer or perhaps never even had been in love with me. I remember to this day not perhaps the exact words that I said but the memory of a moment in which those words were said and though they can never be taken back nor the moment vanish from time I do hope I have learnt from those occasions so that in the future in a similar circumstance I do not try to feed my own ego by trying to bring someone else down.

If life has hopefully taught me any lesson it is the one that conflict through words and deeds just for the sheer sake of it bears as much fruitful as a cherry tree in the desert with no water.

Gabrielle Aplin – The Power of Love

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