Early springs of emotions due to my Da – Neil Edwards

In memory of those gone but not forgotten, loved and not lost

Today is 2 months to the day since my lovely father passed away and though I think often of him miss him and feel and know that he is no longer here – I do so in what I feel to be a fond farewell light and positive imprint of him on my mind and soul.

Some people I know are horrified by the death of a love one or terrorised by no longer having a loved one in their life or fear when others lose people close to them too and keep their distance from people who have recently lost or are bereaving. Depending on the circumstances of a death, I know it can be brutal to lose someone that you deeply love.

But I don’t feel we should use our own self suffering as a barometer to how much we loved someone or even how much they are now missed. There are many joys to life and being alive and living in the moment are things which my father enjoyed to do in life himself and he would wish for me in some way I’m sure to appreciate the experience of being alive and not be tied up in knots due to his death or the death of other who were loved and lost.

Years ago in university during what was possibly a sociology class I remember a lecture announcing to us that when we cry we only cry for ourselves and for what those tears mean to us. We have no empthy and emotions for others whatsoever. I was instantly enraged and engaged in this opinion and perspective and that is exactly what the lecture wanted us to do to challenge him to engage with him and ultimately gain an emotional reaction on what his statement said. To this day I have often still wondered about the concept of crying for other s or simply crying for our selves and was the lecturer trying in some way to express a simple truth of his or get us to engage in emotive intellectual debate. Who knows? What I do know is that idea still remains with me some 30 years later.

I suppose the debate will always rage, do we cry for ourselves? or for others? What we have lost or for those whom were taken away or maybe from knowing that we will one day be in the same situation sitting in a coffin ourselves and before that day comes for us crying or morning that day getting closer and closer for us as with each day that passes as well as those others that we love and have in our lives that we will one day lose. Why do we hurt for what was taken away or for what we might yet lose?

Dad, my brother Andy and my Mum at Andy’s passing out parade at his official graduation ceremony following the completion of his course at Culdrose Cornwall.

I sat down to write this as a way of saying I’m ok and hello and its also ok to not be ok. But it appears to be more and deeper than that as the words flow out. What I’m trying to say is to me I want to love those that I have lost, appreciate them in this living alive world and show little signs of respect and love for those I care about where I can by how I live, whether that’s by being a little kinder at times, older and wiser at others but definitely not feeling sad for sadness sake or hurt for the sake of being heartbroken sake.

The people that I have and love in this life I have enjoyed their company at their highs and lows and mostly enjoyed being with them at their highs when they too enjoyed their life. I aspire to enjoy my life and honour theirs.

Simon & Garfunkel – The Sounds of Silence

It’s OK to sometimes not feel OK!

The mind and how it manages emotions is a strange and extremely complex process, one which has not really been understood by many for as long a time as when we thought that we started to think! If we knew how to take good care of our emotional wellbeing and manage our thought processes, then I am sure we would like to think we would be a whole lot better position as a species at providing a better life to ourselves and our fellow humans.

Global political issues are sadly still savagely brutal at the moment and I still struggle to watch the news on TV, or read bits of newspaper articles and political memes on the internet. When I do and they give me a brief snapshot of what is going on, but it’s mostly a grim picture to still see. I do feel as a somewhat grown up adult that it’s some thing of a responsibility to try and stay in touch with local, national and global affairs but it does become information overload at times and leaves me feeling a little overwhelmed, sick and helpless.

In my little bubble, things should be good. Work is going well, Santa has just offered the elves a pay rise before Christmas, which will really help as things have been a bit of a squeeze at times this year. The one over arching issue that hurt today, (I think) is that, I tried to reach out to an old university friend that I have not seen or heard from in about 28 years and as far as I can see I have been completely blanked and not seen as worthy of communicating with now. This really has hurt, I feel quite stupid for being upset over something as potential insignificant in the big scheme of things as this but it still upsets me and sadly makes me feel very frustrated and helpless.

I just can’t believe I am over thinking this and feel quite sad and vulnerable because of it. There are lots of things in my life I could get upset about if my brain was ‘normal’ such as the fact I have lost my only brother, have no child or children or no partner to grow old with and feel like I have left it far too late to sort those things out now. Oh and the fact that the world is potentially going to hell in hand cart with global warfare and warming! Though weirdly I can rationalise those dark thoughts and on a ‘normal’ or good day or year manage those thoughts and feelings, and do my best to come to terms with them or have learned and still learning to live with them or change the things I can and accept those that I cannot.

But suddenly out of the blue I find a friend on the internet and try to make contact with her and hear nothing back and it suddenly send me into a spin of negativity, which I just don’t like or understand. I can count on just one hand the people that I was once close to that have chosen to cut me out of their life or refuse to accept friend requests on Facebook or choose not to reply to an email or text. It does not happen every day or every year come to that, but has happened and I find it very distressing and it just hurts. We all want to be respected and loved at some level and when someone makes a conscious effort to keep out of your life or not acknowledge a text or email then it makes you feel no matter how cool or good a person you thought you were or try to be your not good or cool enough for them.

I know in my head you can’t be accepted by all that you want to accept you, or respected by those you want to respect from too, or speak to all those you have something to say too. But it does not stop my emotions become a little wobbly and hurt when these things do or don’t happen as you hope they should or could.

Life, Love and Loss

A lot has been happening in my family’s life over the last month. My mum has now moved into her new built home which is lovely place and I must get some photos of it too. But as for now I don’t have any yet.

Her dog that is a rescue dog called Milly and absolutely loves the new home and is even after nearly 3 years is beginning to trust me a little more too and not see me as a person to bark at and be fearful of all the time, which is great.

Just got back from a weekend in mums new home after visiting with a friend who was helping us do stuff in the house too. The house is looking much more like a home now with a lot more of mums boxes from the movers unpacked. Her place is looking lovely now.

My friend Justin that was helping us with the move has also just started a new job as a mental health support worker. One of the area of guidance and advice that he will be offering to people is talking to people who are suicidal and providing them with help and support or offering interventions where necessary such as hospital or 999 calls.

This leads me onto something that I have been avoiding talking about on this blog, to friends or family or anywhere to be honest for about a month. But a wonderful human being that used to be a supporter of my blog called Ashley Peterson took her own life in October and I very much feel like the world has lost one of its brightest lights. She had a lived experience of depression and was an author, former mental health nurse and wonderful human being, with great warm, kindness and humanity.

She commented on one of my blogs on the 16^th October and then on the 18^th October took her own life. There was no hint on her blog or in her comment that she was in any way at that time suicidal or in any way struggling. Its often those that you lest expect or at least at unexpected times are the ones most vulnerable. Having lost an aunt and a brother to suicide already I am so very sorry for her family and what they must be going through now because of the hole left in their lives and the light going out of such a bright and loving soul.

I always try to keep an eye out for certain people that I worry suffer in the emotional waves of their life and where possible and practical try to support friends and strangers alike for want of a better description help to help those in need and keep them in the land of the living rather than let them prematurely pass into the land of the dead.

I find it upsetting that not all that fall can be caught and that not all that feel lost, can be found in time to be saved. It’s hard enough to know one day everything must pass and all will one day will be gone, but it is particularly sad to me to know when those that commit suicide often feel like they had nowhere to turn instead of taking their own life there is always another option and it is sad when they depart that they did not know at the time what the other option was.

Eric Clapton – Tears In Heaven

A day to remember them

A day of mixed emotions today I have been advised that I no longer needed to shield and so stepped out of my home and walked to work this morning and returned to the office. Its the first time I have walked into Exeter since I had my coronovirus jab, so things on the up for me personally.

But the lives taken of two young people in Exeter were also weighing on my mind. Firstly Lorraine Cox who was murdered in the Summer of 2020 had a jury find the murderer guilty of killing her and he is due to be sentenced next Wednesday. On the night she was last seen she was drinking in a local bar I drink in which is a lovely and friendly place, always welcoming to people who come through its doors and little did the people drinking with her on her last night know when she left what would next happen to her that terrible night in August 2020. It really has been deeply dark time for some of her friends and family that know and love her.

Secondly there is a wonderful young man, younger that is than me that very recently died in Exeter and his funeral was today. His name was Trevor Garman and he was a local legend within his lifetime. He had such a warm and worldly way to him and when we would get talking he was always very welcoming, kind and a great teller of stories and a champion of social justice to boot. Plus he made a great pirate and ran the most awesome karaoke night in town, where even I would occasionally get up and sing. He was always so warm and welcoming to the people that got up and sang and really made you feel supported up on the stage and was always making you want to go back for more.

Sadly after posting this page I have another soul to add to the list of the lost humans

I was lucky enough to meet and work at the Devon Wildlife Trust with a wonderful woman called Emma Parkinson some 20 years ago. We used to chatter in the office, go camping on Wildlife Nights Out for School groups and also go out with the rest of the crew at DWT for an occasional beer or two. When I moved away from Exeter she was one of many wonderful people that I lost touch with and hoped to one day meet again. So I was trying to see if she had a facebook page this week and sadly came across her memorial page I don’t know how or under what circumstances her life was lost but it happened a couple of years ago another real tragedy of a good person taken before their time.

So all in all a sombre day for many Exetonians today.

Eva Cassidy – Fields of Gold

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