Category: Mental Health

Friend’s digital meltdowns

Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting  messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.

I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)

My Bro Andy

It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.

Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.

Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way.  Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.

Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.

Mumford and Sons – Awake my Soul

At age 47 and ¼ I bought my first bookcase last week

Yep it’s true on the plus side I am one more step closer to being an adult and on the downside it’s err true I am one more step closer to being an adult.

I must admit my collection of books is and has always been very eclectic mix for example I have a book of poems from a great local Exeter Poet called Steve Carnell – who a while back used to do the open mic circuit and read out his awesome poems on great drunken lad’s nights out he is an awesome guy and once close friend –but as times move on so did he.

Book of Poems called the 23rd Mojo by Steve Carnell

The next wonderful human that I know or knew who wrote another awesome book is the lovely Barbara Haddrill – She wrote an eco travel book called Babs to Brisbane about her eco travel to of all places Brisbane in order to be a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding. Babs is such a wonderful talented and inspirational person.

Babs to Brisbane by Barbara Haddrill

My next book is not by someone I know but I think the front cover title changed and influenced my entire life from the day that I read it to this. It’s called ‘The only planet of choice’ – it’s at the very least a mind opening spiritual and philosophical fantasy concerning the evolution of earth, you, me and the universe – the choices that we make and how they impact on everyone and everything and ripple through time and space and at most it is something so much more than that!

My next book was a gift from my mum to make my book collection look a little more sensible and again adult like. It’s called RSPB Handbook of British Birds. I found it very handy when trying to identify the birds along my street and on my bird table during lockdown back in the old days of covid lockdown times.

My fiaal book that I am showing is a dream dictionary and I have a few of these but this is by far my favourite one which is by Russell Grant and is his Illustrated Dream Dictionary. I’m on my second copy of this book now as the first fell apart from me waking up too many times in the middle of the night and grabbing it and quickly trying to see what it thought about my dreams and then chucking it back on the floor when I had finished and went back to sleep. To this day I swear I am not sure if one of those darn dreams or nightmares has come true yet! But it was always interesting to read the interpretation and Russell Grant always put a positive spin on dreams and nightmares’ which from an early age I have found comforting.

Oh well onwards and upwards. Well speaking of onwards and upwards or flashing outwards with less brightness I think my TV might be on the blink and the back light might be about to give out – looks like another adult purchase might be on the cards – oh bugger, TV Don’t go dark on me just yet.

Distance, Light & Sky – Don’t Go Dark On Me 

It’s OK to sometimes not feel OK!     

The mind and how it manages emotions is a strange and extremely complex process, one which has not really been understood by many for as long a time as when we thought that we started to think! If we knew how to take good care of our emotional wellbeing and manage our thought processes, then I am sure we would like to think we would be a whole lot better position as a species at providing a better life to ourselves and our fellow humans.

Global political issues are sadly still savagely brutal at the moment and I still struggle to watch the news on TV, or read bits of newspaper articles and political memes on the internet. When I do and they give me a brief snapshot of what is going on, but it’s mostly a grim picture to still see. I do feel as a somewhat grown up adult that it’s some thing of a responsibility to try and stay in touch with local, national and global affairs but it does become information overload at times and leaves me feeling a little overwhelmed, sick and helpless.  

In my little bubble, things should be good. Work is going well, Santa has just offered the elves a pay rise before Christmas, which will really help as things have been a bit of a squeeze at times this year. The one over arching issue that hurt today, (I think) is that, I tried to reach out to an old university friend that I have not seen or heard from in about 28 years and as far as I can see I have been completely blanked and not seen as worthy of communicating with now. This really has hurt, I feel quite stupid for being upset over something as potential insignificant in the big scheme of things as this but it still upsets me and sadly makes me feel very frustrated and helpless.   

I just can’t believe I am over thinking this and feel quite sad and vulnerable because of it. There are lots of things in my life I could get upset about if my brain was ‘normal’ such as the fact I have lost my only brother, have no child or children or no partner to grow old with and feel like I have left it far too late to sort those things out now. Oh and the fact that the world is potentially going to hell in hand cart with global warfare and warming! Though weirdly I can rationalise those dark thoughts and on a ‘normal’ or good day or year manage those thoughts and feelings, and do my best to come to terms with them or have learned and still learning to live with them or change the things I can and accept those that I cannot.

But suddenly out of the blue I find a friend on the internet and try to make contact with her and hear nothing back and it suddenly send me into a spin of negativity, which I just don’t like or understand. I can count on just one hand the people that I was once close to that have chosen to cut me out of their life or refuse to accept friend requests on Facebook or choose not to reply to an email or text. It does not happen every day or every year come to that, but has happened and I find it very distressing and it just hurts. We all want to be respected and loved at some level and when someone makes a conscious effort to keep out of your life or not acknowledge a text or email then it makes you feel no matter how cool or good a person you thought you were or try to be your not good or cool enough for them.

I know in my head you can’t be accepted by all that you want to accept you, or respected by those you want to respect from too, or speak to all those you have something to say too. But it does not stop my emotions become a little wobbly and hurt when these things do or don’t happen as you hope they should or could.

Arcadian Refugee – the search for a new drinking hole continues!

I have stopped watching a lot of the main national and international news stories at present as not able to stomach the reality of Gazan civilians being killed or Trump being re-elected as US president. I am also still mindful  of posting views that might offend too. I sometimes don’t mind throwing in the odd social commentary hand grenade into a conversation or blog post but it has to have purpose and not just explode in someone’s mind for sheer effect.

As mentioned a while back my local favourite pub called the Arcade closed and I and a few other people are still looking for a local drinking hole to be accepted in that we feel comfortable to hang around in. There is a pub called the Ship in the centre of Town which is great in its own way but due to its location for Tourists and locals gets very busy, which can be nice some of the time but not all the time. They have a karaoke night there too but normally so busy I can only get up and sing one song and I get so nervous singing there that it’s not really enjoyable doing it anyway.  

So I am hoping to try another bar called The Bishop Blaize this Friday and see what that is like they also do a karaoke night there too (are you seeing there is a pattern forming of places to go to here!)

I never thought the art of finding the perfect pub could be so difficult. There are so many things to take into consideration. Such as the location, price of drinks, types of drinks, the locals that drink there and whether they are friendly or whether there are too many or not enough of them, what music they play and what nights they put on and when and also whether you can smoke there and where you can smoke (not that I do smoke, but some of my friends still do).

I grew up in a village where the pub had been running for over 100 years and it was great fun there too. But now that I live in a city (a small city at that) you get to choose where you want to spend your hard earned cash. Though having lots of choice does not make that choice any easier and with all the competition lots of pubs come and go!

I try and only venture out to the pub once a week these days as I have diabetes and need to take tablets each evening after a meal which I don’t think would go down well with beer or at least not well with lots of beers. After an annual review in October my doctor said that I needed to double the dosage of my diabetes medication which was only one tablet a day to two now which I think is better than having to have an injection of insulin each day.

But I am mindful not to drink too much or skip taking the medication. When I had my diabetes review I at first heard that my weight had stayed the same over the last 12 months (and it’s a relief not to have put weight on, for sure). But finding out my blood sugars had gone up and my body was even worse at breaking down sugars was a real disappointment as this had previously been going well for the last few years.

So back to the beer sellers and my search for a new watering hole continues and its quality of a night out now over quantity of nights out. The search for the next best bar in Exeter continues.

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping

Words can hurt or heal

So what did yours do today?

I have just watched the following speech which I would definitely recommend you watch too about the power of words.

Mohammed Qahtani – The Power of words

I love to write words and speak them at times, to change or influence a point of view or perception on reality or life.

A friend of mine discovered or invented the phrase “a social hand grenade” as soon as I heard it I thought what a cool expression, what it meant was to throw a word or phrase into a conversation that would have maximum impact and if you did it to the right person or people at the right time to blow their mind too. I thought to myself what a great concept.

Over the years I have tried to put words into a conversation so as to have a positive impact on the person that I am speaking to rather than a negative. Although more often than not in the sad and disappointing times of my life when I have been sad and angry I have said things that still haunt me to this day.

More often than not to women that I thought had spurned me or decided they were openly no longer or perhaps never even had been in love with me. I remember to this day not perhaps the exact words that I said but the memory of a moment in which those words were said and though they can never be taken back nor the moment vanish from time I do hope I have learnt from those occasions so that in the future in a similar circumstance I do not try to feed my own ego by trying to bring someone else down.

If life has hopefully taught me any lesson it is the one that conflict through words and deeds just for the sheer sake of it bears as much fruitful as a cherry tree in the desert with no water.

Gabrielle Aplin – The Power of Love 

Wishes Of Happiness And Prosperity

Last week there were and still are a number of ongoing difficulties affecting people that I care a great deal about and there have been some real tragedies and sadness as well as financial difficulties and obstacles affecting friends in and around Exeter – some of those troubles might be sorted overnight some might take a lifetime to be worked upon (or what feels like a lifetime anyway).

I hope those of you going though difficulties at this time know that you are loved, respected and admired for doing your best and trying your hardest to do what you can do with all you have.

I just want to say you are not alone, have never been alone and with the friendship and family you have and with the strength and depth of your characters you can do and be what you choose to do and be.

My brother had a Native American spirit guide that would assist and guide him in both times of peace and chaos and I love the concepts that I read about Native American culture, philosophy and music and with that in mind I try to express how I feel about loved ones and friends today through there perceptions beliefs and below music too.

Yeha-Noha (Wishes of happiness and prosper) – Sacred Spirit

Talking about money

I went out with a lovely woman once for a time, who did not have a lot of money, but when she would get drunk on our way home from a night out, she would give money and spend time with the homeless on the streets of Exeter and talk to them. I though it to be the cutest and most revealingly thing about her true personality and absolutely adorable.     

This decade has been a weird one so far if I am honest and this year in particular when people talk about inflation rocketing up, I and many others are really feeling the pinch this year. Cash goes out of my account these days quicker than I dare to imagine it ever could. I am fortunate in that I have a reasonably steady job on the highest wage I have ever been paid and they plan to hopefully continue to increase my wage year on year, it just takes the bosses and unions a long time to each agree what that pay rise will be. But I am finding things a little challenging and costs come into your life that you were not expecting and things have to be bought.

I had someone come back to my house after an evening out a local bar back in July and it made me feel a little embarrassed about how old and tatty my lounge furniture is, I have had it all for about 12 years and the furniture was second hand from a charity shop when I bought it new to me, so I have been thinking of getting rid of it for a while.

So I finally bit the bullet and splashed the cash and I am getting rid of my old sofa and chair this week and having a new one delivered next week. The following week will feel weird having no sofa or lounge chair to sit until the new one is delivered. Also my dad is moving to Taunton to live with his partner in October and so I am always hoping my place is welcoming enough and clean enough for family to stay here when and if they need to. So it’s a sofa bed that I have bought that hopefully friends and family can occasionally make use of if they need to stay.

As well as the odd unexpected large item to buy, I do really notice this year more than most how utility bills and food bills have just rocketed up this year. Some of my friends are on benefits and out of work for a variety of genuine employment and health reasons and I do fear for their finances more so than my own. The government is not nor has it ever been geared up to help and support people in any great capacity it merely assists many that cannot work through employment or health reasons to survive and not actually live.

I will always do my best to stay in work, maintain my own health as best I can and look after myself and my work colleagues due to the simple truth that I cannot afford to be out of work. I am so privileged to have a housing association property that keeps my rent down, but there are many bills that we must all pay the same for. If I was on benefits and out of work I have no idea how I could pay for both a mobile phone and Wi-Fi at home. Both very much staple necessities of a modern life but how you pay for them on benefits I just have no idea.

The idea of being in my home 24/7 with no work, phone or Wi-Fi really is a scary poverty fearing potential reality for me if I ever were to become unemployed in the future. Both my parents love me very much but neither are in a position to financially support me if I were to get in trouble and so I very much do my best to support myself.

Though this should in no way be a poor me post, I have my health, a job that I enjoy that pays enough to keep the wolves from my door and a little bit more.

Money’s To Tight (To Mention) By Simply Red

This day is done

I’m still here got through the working day, I have had a wobble or three and can’t say it has not been hard. But I am ok, had been very busy, lots of responsibilities, trying to do the right thing, say the right thing and act in the right way. Emotions been a little all over the place today too and still are tonight with things happening outside of work which I am trying to process too, about how I am feeling and why I feel like I do. Tonight I’m doing my best to keep it all together, chill, recharge my batteries and prepare for tomorrows storms too.

Imagine Dragons – Demons (Official Music Video)

Wish me luck!

So I have had a much needed wonderful restful weekend after a busy week. Yesterday I also attended the wedding night of one of my colleagues. What a great time with good people at a lovely venue for a celebration of a wonderful couples union.

Tomorrow gets busy though and more complicated, in work a great deal of staff are either on holiday, have left permanently or are being trained up to assist in supporting team members more. I need to try and reach out to others to get help tomorrow as I am well out of my depth with having too much on at the moment, but there are kind people that should and can help out if I ask.

I think I might have slept too much today and have too much on my mind tonight to sleep well. So much is going on in life at the moment and the world is certainly spinning madly on. I get nervous at times like this, reflective and anxious but try to enjoy the good moments as well as fear what might go wrong while hoping to work towards what could go right too.

The Weepies – World Spins Madly On

Pleased to meet you

I have been having to look at moderating my online profile at present, removing my work details from Facebook, changing my online profile on LinkedIn and still working out what to have on my blog pages. There are a few things that have come to head.

Firstly due to the work I do on the phones for the public authority I work for, I sometimes speak to unpleasant and aggressive people and I was concerned that I do not exactly want them to know more about me than perhaps I need to say to them and not make it too easy to find out more about me online too.

In the past on my blog I have talked about, my and other peoples mental health, my relationships and the lack of them, my family, my work and my views on political points across the UK and globe as well as Covid, gee Covid remember that little pandemic thing that went on.

I had a run in with someone over the phone recently at work, who was trying to get a rise out of me and make me feel uncomfortable and angry and also implied the use of threats and violence if they ever to meet me in real life.

It was a ridicules situation to be involuntarily drawn into. It just made me think that I really don’t want someone as cruel and unpleasant as that to have any means of working out who I am, who my friends and family are and heaven forbid where I live. Also with work having brought in new guidelines on what I can or cannot discus about my workplace into play, which I am still none the wiser on I also thought it a good idea to again moderate my online content.

It was also a grim and sorry sort of guessing game played across Britain last week: who was the mystery BBC broadcaster who had reportedly paid £35,000 to a young person in exchange for sexual images? By Tuesday the field of suspects had narrowed, as horrified presenters, misidentified in social media posts, attempted to distance themselves. Then on Wednesday 12th July came the announcement from his poor wife that the hidden man at the centre of this tabloid newspaper storm was Huw Edwards, the BBC’s lead news anchor, whose calm and authoritative voice had announced the death of the Queen.

I was out on my birthday night out waiting for my friends to arrive and meet me when people were coming into the pub and talking about Huw Edwards. I quickly looked at my phone and started reading the stories coming in to the World Wide Web. Normally since as long as I can remember when I have told strangers that my name is Huw Edwards, more often than not I would get a positive response and they would reply something along the line of ‘ah as in the news reader’ now due to what he is beign accused of, or what he might have or speculated to have done or because of the fact that he is sitting in a mental health hospital, all that has now changed and potentially forever. I don’t know what people will think of him in future or therefore possibly try and say to me.

Everything about what he has done, what people think he has done and what people think he should do next is all speculation and unsubstantiated, if you are reading this from somewhere else around the world and want to find out more just type in to Google Huw Edwards BBC, though if you want a fair and honest perception of  what is going on do not look up the news on Huw Edwards from a Rupert Murdock owned publication as that mans journalism outputs are poison on a piece of paper and should be called a piece of misinformation rather than a piece of news.

Rag ‘n’ Bone Man – Human