Tag: Mental Health

Trying to avoid Bitdefender’s antivirus autorenewal trap

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – oops no that’s the wrong time, though the sun is shinning and the outdoors is warm and not to hot but its definitely not THAT time of the year.

Instead it’s antivirus renewal time for my PC or at least I am getting a lot of emails from Bitdefender telling me to renew my antivirus or sit back and let them automatically take out of my bank in September £80 (HOW MUCH).

Which to my mind is far to expensive and so I have decided that whatever I do I will not be automatically renewing it with them. Normally I purchase my antivirus software on another site on the internet more often than not on Amazon. It cost me £30 last year so I am in no hurray whatsoever to have exactly the same cover for £80 instead!

I have already found a replacement package of Bitdefender antivirus for 12 months for just £20 which I will be using for the next 12 months. But I was annoyed and disappointed by the fact they have set up an autorenewal for £80 for me which I am finding very difficult to cancel.

So I have been following the online instructions on how to cancel the autorenewal and when I get to the correct page on their software the cancelation button is just off screen making it impossible to cancel both on my pc and phone, very convenient for Bitdefender and a royal pain in the behind for me.

I have contacted there customer services team asking them to cancel my rolling subscription and they just emailed me back offering more ways of spending lots of money with them and not cancelling my autorenewal. So I have emailed them again asking politely for them to cancel the dam autorenewal.

I am still waiting for a response from Bogdan C. a Bitdefender Retention & Loyalty Specialist to get back to me on this matter.

Pink Floyd – Money

Three wise Monkeys, a western spin!

The three wise monkeys are a Japanese pictorial maxim, embodying the proverbial principle “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”. The three monkeys are

Mizaru (見ざる), “does not see”, covering his eyes

Kikazaru (聞かざる), “does not hear”, covering his ears

Iwazaru (言わざる), “does not speak”, covering his mouth.

There are at least two divergent interpretations of the maxim: in Buddhist tradition, it is about avoiding evil thoughts and deeds. In the West, however, it is often interpreted as dealing with impropriety by turning a blind eye. Turning a blind eye is an idiom describing the ignoring of undesirable information.

I think over the next four years there will be lots of turning of blind eyes to Trump actions and inactions in both domestic and international politics.

The KLF – America: What Time is Love? – 1991 – (Full Uncensored 12″)

Mind over Mutter!

To mutter to speak quietly and in a voice that is not easy to hear, often when you are anxious or complaining about something: He muttered to himself as he walked or I heard him mutter something.

A week from tonight our polling stations where people vote will be closing about now and the councils will begin the count to determine which MPs are local neighbourhoods, towns and cities decide to elect and send to parliament. When I was 18 I studied Public Policy at Southampton Institute, I had learning difficulties and it was the first place I got offered that offered a course I really wanted to study.

It involved the study of UK contemporary Politics, Economics, Sociology and Constitutional Law. The course gave me a good understanding of and an ability to interpret political views and issues, while  developing my own views and perspectives on politics too.

Sadly though due to a serious mental health issue and drug addiction I only lasted on the course for about 18 months then crashed and burned. But in that time and to this day it gave me a good understanding of learning – not just about the power of education the importance of politics and breaking down concepts and rebuilding them back up again in my mind. But also the addictive and damage nature of illegal drugs the limits and fragility of my mental health and mind.   

After some real life altering choices which I mainly had to force upon myself due to the sad truth of the fact that for me illegal hallucinogenic drugs and any forms of cannabis are just seriously damaging to my mental health and an absolute no go zone for me and my head. From the age of about 16 up to about the age of 25 I still did not realise or believe the damage that certain illegal drugs could do to me ,I just did not want to accept it. I don’t advocate abstention for everyone and think many forms of drugs should be licensed or legally controlled not simply banned. But just as an alcoholic should not touch a whisky, I should not touch hallucinogens or cannabis due to the impacts on my mental health and life.

I have a form of mental health condition which means I have been on a form of medication that prevents or dampens down hallucinations’ for over probably 20 years or more now. The form I am on at the moment works really well for me and keeps me balanced and well enough to hold down a job and function having only had a few blips in my mental health road over the years and managed to stay on track with my life, job and home.

When I occasionally have, for want of a better word had a mental hiccup I have had enough incite to know what was going on and to ask for help and hold on for dear life and look after myself and all I am and have as best as I could until things calmed down and imporved. But saying all that if I knew what triggered these mental health incidents then I can’t promise I would try to do those things that increase the risk of them not happening again.

You still must live your life because you are still alive you can’t completely block yourself of from the things that you fear or hurt you in the outside world. To experience life is to experience a range and spectrum of emotions and experiences some positive and sadly some at times negative. The only constant that seems to appear in life is change and those that best adapt and act on that change are the ones that tend to survive and thrive.

Amy Macdonald – This is the life

Feb-Stress-you-very

Or February as some others like to call it

I feel like my body and soul was so eager to jump out of January, whilst not exactly sure what I was jumping into with February coming right up. I felt a little like my mind was racing and could more easily get stressed or snap at people and when you start researching stuff on google about issues such as why am I feeling stressed this time of year? Or why can I sleep like a hibernating bear and still feel tired? Or any other form of googling about negative emotions and this time of year then well to be fair your goner make yourself probably feel worse, a little informed perhaps but generally a lot worse too in the short term.

Although one good tip that I picked up from a colleague in work (and on err google) is that due to the ongoing lack of sunlight and lack of vitamin D in the body it can increase in seasonal affective disorder or SAD making you more tired, stressed and feeling flat or depressed. So I was recommended to and started to take some vitamin tablets and through either actually helping me or even just feeling better from trying to make some positive changes I am feeling less stressed and brain is racing around less.

I did not go out to a bar last weekend either a lot of my friends were going to a karaoke night and it’s quite busy and I feel a little uncomfortable getting up and singing there. So I did not go, it’s weird putting your name down their to sign on to sing feels like getting up and working there sometimes, as its a bit mad busy and hectic for me.

On the good news front though our wonderful landlord of the now shut Exeter Arcade is trying very hard to plan the opening of his as yet location not announced or revealed third bar. God bless him and all that drink at his future venue (when it finally opens). I have also booked a ferry, trains, a plane and automobile tickets for a visit to Ireland with my Dad which will be very exciting trip in March, to be sure, to be sure!

Lord Huron – Not Dead Yet

Hoping for an end to the January Blues

Well this month has been a strange one some nice things happened but some strange emotions and stressful times experienced too and I guess the January blues have just slowly creeped up on me as the month has gone on. I am normally good at providing support to others but not great at receiving support or asking for it myself. I often find it better to write about stress and challenges after the event when I have processed the event and come to terms with it myself.

I had just booked a week off over Christmas which did not feel long enough and then I booked off another week in the 3rd week of January. That was nice and relaxing but felt quite out of my depth when coming back to work, which had got busy and I started back with a very early start after a night of not sleeping well. There were things I had to try and deal with that were stressful and challenging as soon as I walked back through the door into the office. I am hoping that February will bring in a little more calmness, stability and cheer but there will be hard work ahead too.

I get restless sometimes at this time of year and want to try changing things that I don’t think are working or healthy for me.

Ella Grace – Wild Roads

Friend’s digital meltdowns

Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting  messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.

I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)

My Bro Andy

It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.

Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.

Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way.  Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.

Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.

Mumford and Sons – Awake my Soul

Dream psych and spiritual awakening

When I was 19 and studying politics and economics at university in Southampton I had a dream that really inspired me at the time and I thought that the dream was so unusual and important and like a revelation that I still remember it to this day.

The dream started with me in a dark basement where I was then walked up the stairs out of the the dark basement by my brother into a beautiful and flourishing garden in daylight with a huge oak tree with green leaves on it at the centre of the garden. The oak tree had a small cat trying to catch leaves from the ground but the branches were too high up for the cat, so the cat could not attach the leaves like it wanted to.

Then there was also a very interesting sight on the grass of the garden where I saw 3 almost Aztec multi coloured lizards waking around in like a circle. I have always been interested in the meaning of dreams and their ability to be an interpretation of our present or a possible insight into the future.

From what I could decipher from the dream the dream was kind of reflecting on the fact that I was going to come out of a dark place where into a spiritually better place almost like an awakening.

Very soon after I had this dream I unfortunately experienced my first psychosis which was very upsetting and unsettling. I lost my home, many friends, a lot of money and had to move to a new place and move back in with my mum, while I came to terms with what had happened to me and tried to heal myself and prepare myself to be strong enough to make my way in the world again.

When I had my first psychosis I had no experience of mental health difficulties and no idea what was happening to me and it was a very scary moment in my life. But this dream gave me strength and comfort in that although I would be losing out and experiencing suffering in the short term I new I had the potential to hopefully come out of the experience stronger and wiser and be in a better place than where I had come from before.

Just like walking up the stairs out of the basement into the beautiful garden with the oak tree. But even in that garden there were still potential trials and tribulations as well as wonders and opportunities, with the threat of the cat trying in vain to attack the oak tree, and the wonder of the three multicoloured lizards walking around in a circle on the grass. This all took place in a beautiful setting of the oak tree in full bloom on what looked like a summer’s day. It felt that so long as I continued in life to walk up the stairs out of the basement to the garden that I would be ok and have my brother now in spirit around to assist me should I even need him to show me the way to walk.

This life is a lot harder than I ever thought it could be but at the same time I do have a feeling that my soul chose to be born now at this time in this place and face the life choices that I make and try to come to terms with and survive and thrive with regard to whatever comes my way. I do not know what is around the corner, but I do know that I will always try to do my best for god, life and those that I love.

Amy Macdonald – Dream On

This is my truth

James – Sound
Back in 2020 not today, today I am doing ok

Back in 2020 I expereince my first psychosis for nearly some 10 years. I am lucky in that I have good insight into when I become unwell I know when I am hallucinating and I know when I am delusional and with the help of medication and medical staff, friends and family I worked hard to hold down my job, keep a roof over my head and get well all at the same time. I know times like now are times when I risk becoming unwell again and I must be mindful of this happening to me now.

Symptoms of psychosis

The 2 main symptoms of psychosis are:

  • hallucinations – where a person hears, sees and, in some cases, feels, smells or tastes things that do not exist outside their mind but can feel very real to the person affected by them; a common hallucination is hearing voices, though my hallucinations manifest themselves as visual lights, on the rare occations that I see them I know I am very unwell.
  • delusions – where a person has strong beliefs that are not shared by others.

The combination of hallucinations and delusional thinking can cause severe distress and a change in behaviour.

james – Don’t wait that long

Onions have layers, like people have secrets

I started this blog on 1st February 2020 nearly two years ago hoping to shed a skin or two of layers of my perception of life and write about my mental health experiences and my view on politics, loves and life. It’s such a good form of self expression having a blog and just as much fun reading and seeing what other people view and share too. I tend to go through phases of wanting to read others, wanting to look over my own and also wanting to write on my own or find new ones to follow.

But one thing I still have not had the ability to do yet on here is come out about my mental health (both past and present) and I am not sure if or when I ever will. The thing about publishing on the World Wide Web is although not many people do read this blog, it has the potential for anyone I know or even don’t know to read it and judge me. That judgment might then result in someone thinking less of me which is not a big deal, but if that judgement resulted in a work colleague or employee then making life difficult for me or even causing me to lose a job over then that would be a huge problem for me.

I work hard to pretend to be normal in a work environment and that hard work enables me the comfort of sleeping with a roof over my head in my own flat in a comfy bed and with relatively few nightmares. To come out about my mental health difficulties on here makes me feel that I risk all of that. So I don’t really discuss it or go into great detail about it really so as not to be at risk of being found out. Maybe my circumstances will change one day or something like that but I feel safe in my own skin leaving it as it is for now.

I take very few photos of myself although I have found one that a friend took in the most awesomely friendliest bar in Exeter called the Arcade that I was in recently.

Me, Will, Kev, and Nate (all legends on their own barstools)