I have just watched the following speech which I would definitely recommend you watch too about the power of words.
Mohammed Qahtani – The Power of words
I love to write words and speak them at times, to change or influence a point of view or perception on reality or life.
A friend of mine discovered or invented the phrase “a social hand grenade” as soon as I heard it I thought what a cool expression, what it meant was to throw a word or phrase into a conversation that would have maximum impact and if you did it to the right person or people at the right time to blow their mind too. I thought to myself what a great concept.
Over the years I have tried to put words into a conversation so as to have a positive impact on the person that I am speaking to rather than a negative. Although more often than not in the sad and disappointing times of my life when I have been sad and angry I have said things that still haunt me to this day.
More often than not to women that I thought had spurned me or decided they were openly no longer or perhaps never even had been in love with me. I remember to this day not perhaps the exact words that I said but the memory of a moment in which those words were said and though they can never be taken back nor the moment vanish from time I do hope I have learnt from those occasions so that in the future in a similar circumstance I do not try to feed my own ego by trying to bring someone else down.
If life has hopefully taught me any lesson it is the one that conflict through words and deeds just for the sheer sake of it bears as much fruitful as a cherry tree in the desert with no water.
Last week there were and still are a number of ongoing difficulties affecting people that I care a great deal about and there have been some real tragedies and sadness as well as financial difficulties and obstacles affecting friends in and around Exeter – some of those troubles might be sorted overnight some might take a lifetime to be worked upon (or what feels like a lifetime anyway).
I hope those of you going though difficulties at this time know that you are loved, respected and admired for doing your best and trying your hardest to do what you can do with all you have.
I just want to say you are not alone, have never been alone and with the friendship and family you have and with the strength and depth of your characters you can do and be what you choose to do and be.
My brother had a Native American spirit guide that would assist and guide him in both times of peace and chaos and I love the concepts that I read about Native American culture, philosophy and music and with that in mind I try to express how I feel about loved ones and friends today through there perceptions beliefs and below music too.
Yeha-Noha (Wishes of happiness and prosper) – Sacred Spirit
I swear when it comes to writing my posts of late I mainly want to write about what’s happening in my life or what’s revolving around in my mind and even though there are not a huge amount of readers there is a wide variety of people to consider as an audience. From kind people that regularly read my blog from across the world, to friends across the UK my home city and colleagues in my workplace and not forgetting my mum too.
Well I went out to sing last Thursday night to my local bar and something completely different happened to me that has not happened to me in many years, I almost thought it might not happen again and was not expecting it to happen last Thursday either. But I met a very beautiful woman who I liked and I hope and like to think she liked me too.
I caught a glimpse of her on the side of my eye as she had just walked into the bar and she had then decided to leave because there was no bar person serving. I waved over to her and to the landlord of the pub and said that he could still serve her if she wanted a drink and so that is how we met. It turned out it was her birthday and seeing as how it is my birthday on the 12th of July too I was very happy to wish this beautiful woman a happy birthday and start talking to her.
I then got up and sang at the bar and so did she, with a beautiful voice. I did not want the night to end, even though I was working the next morning I thought I wanted to stay out later and see where the night would take us. So me, a few friends and the wonderful birthday girl went onto a nightclub. It was soon just me and the birthday girl left and we danced and talked and drank until the early hours of the morning when I then walked her to a taxi rank and she got safely home and I got safely back to my place too. Wow what a lovely night.
Again if she gets to read this I do wonder what she will think about me for writing it, she is a friend on Facebook now, so if I were to post this there, I don’t know if she will be pleased or upset to see what I have said. She is a single mum and was firm with me on the night we were out that she did not want to meet up with me to go on a date in the future, again I don’t know why and did not push her on this, but hoped and assumed this was due to her circumstances and not due to anything that I had said or done. I would love to meet her again but that is something I need to try and work out for myself and tell her and perhaps not kind of be writing about on my blog!!!
Well me and a couple of friends headed out last Friday to a bar called the Ship in Exeter and they had their Friday karaoke tunes being played and sung to. My friend Michelle was the first person to get up and sing and sung ‘Take My Breath Away’ by Berlin and really did such a powerful and yet emotionally beautiful version of the song it really was amazing to listen to, she did herself, the audience listening and the song proud.
I then put in a request for a song and got up and sung it, I was very nervous and sung a song called ‘all the things that I’ve done’ by the Killers. I was a little shy and not sung this song in a bar in many a year and found the words racing ahead on the screen where I would be then trying to catch-up and sing along to what was coming up. I managed to get through the whole song and people were very kind and clapping and cheered at the end of the song when I had finished which was great, I look forward to going back there and having a go another time.
I would like to try and sing the following song if I had a little more confidence and if the DJ had the song top sing which is by the cranberries and called ‘no need to argue’. I don’t think it would be suitable for the ship as that is more power ballads and rock and pop anthems where drunken crowds join in, but I might be able to get away with trying to sing it at the Arcade see if Damien has it as a selection.
The Cranberries – No need to argue
The album this song is on is also called ‘no need to argue’ and it came out when I was 18. It was beautifully sung and gently expressive song on an album that I found really helped me bring about calmness in my mind at a time in my life when I was a hugely sensitive and emotional person. All happy, hippy go lucky one minute, in love the next and then heartbroken after that! Listening to the song still to this day and it reminds me so much of when and what I have found and had, loved and lost and thankfully recovered and then been able to move on and prepare for the whole lot of madness and shenanigans again.
Difficult to know how to express myself at present, our local government employer has recently had a new chief executive appointed to run the organisation and one of their first actions was to inform staff that they are not allowed to divulge information or talk about elements of their work that they know about to the press or media including social media outlets that the organisation wishes to remain confidential. So therefore I am not even sure if I am allowed to say the last sentence that I have just written without getting into trouble with my employer and it’s bugging me.
It’s not like I work for the secret service and am disclosing where the local spies live and what they are up to or that I work for the ministry of defence and am announcing what weapons are being shipped out to the Ukraine and when they are arriving and where. No what I really do is work for a district council which yes is controlled by a political party and therefore I guess the sheer act of commenting on how it is run or where it is not in my view not running well is political!
One of the managers in my organisation who is an honourable and hard working employee joked in my work this week to me saying there is a quote he read in a book concerning ‘if you know who the person is in your organisation that knows everything then sack them immediately!.’ I think it was funny when he said it, rather than how I am able to type it.
Last Friday I went to a small and perfectly formed gathering of people to send off my former manager on her way and wish her best of luck for her future. She is a wonderful human being and for personal and professional reasons resigned. I was nervous in that I was not sure if I ever would see her again when she first left as she left work, very suddenly and only announced that she was not coming back a month after she had gone. I am nervous about what the future holds for myself my team and how managers will manage the situation concerning what work we can do, what needs to be done or what they consider no longer able to be done. It’s all still very much in the air with no decisions or plans being in the open or agreed upon, so speculation about what they can, will or should do is also futile due to the ‘though shall not disclose information clause at the top of this blog!
Though don’t get me wrong I really do enjoy working for my employee and it is far more enjoyable than being sick, jobless or working for an organisation where I do too much or even not enough, the work life balance is good and I work hard and feel I make a contribution to the organisation, I am mentally and possibly even physically healthier for having this job and for better or worse can’t presently see myself working anywhere else in Exeter at this moment in time. I do believe it is possible to be both constructive and critical about something both at the same time.
Well I hope I have been able to express myself whilst also not over divulging. Sometimes when I am not sure what to write on my blog, it’s because I know exactly what is bugging me but not sure how to express it in a way that is clear, allowed and appropriate.
So like a good little composting green machine I gather the fresh leaves and grass cuttings of my thoughts press them down, to where the previously gathered ideas have been left to mulch over in time and then see what comes out the other side in my writings. I then lay freshly made compost of ideas and see what new seeds of thought can grow from those that I have broken down.
So how was your Friday the 13th, I hope it went off without any snags, accidents or panic attacks. Friday the 13th has not one but two unwieldy terms to describe it—paraskavedekatriaphobia and friggatriskaidekaphobia— supposedly the unlucky day.
Although my unluckiest day of the year so far kicked in on the evening of Thursday the 12th of January – so I seemed to be planning ahead when it came to my unlucky actions, thoughts and behaviours. Although I did not walk under any ladders, break mirrors or cross paths with any black cats. I did however fear for the safety of a good friend whose last post on Facebook stated they had no money to buy food that day and they were not looking after themselves physically or mentally. I was worried about them so when I left work I started to message them on Facebook, and text and phone them. Sadly there was no response and then my phone also died on me to.
I was out in the centre of Exeter trying to arrange to meet up with them so that I could buy them an evening meal treat them to a beer or three and give them some money for a food shop if needed. I have a reasonable disposable income at the moment and so offering to help a friend in need would be no trouble at all and a treat for me as well as them. My phone then went dead as the battery was flat and so I went to get out my charger in order to breath a little life back into the phone but sadly for the first time in years I had took the darn charger out of my bag so did not have it to charge up the phone.
I then thought it was best to catch the bus home and see if said friend had left any messages for me. So got home no messages from friend but I was a little more relieved to see that he had deleted my message from his Facebook page so at the very least I now knew he had read it and knew I was trying to get hold of him. He then messaged me saying he was ok and had actually sorted out some food and was getting paid on Friday 13th and was doing ok.
A big part of me wanted to give him a bollocking for frightening me probably his other friends and his family like that, but people that are in some way in crisis don’t realise the fear and fright that they cause to others and if he is vulnerable already any bollocking from me is not going to help him so I bit my tongue anyway and wrote this instead getting my Thursday evening experience of my chest in this way instead.
To be fare though things had gone well in work during the day on Thursday, a colleague had been struggling earlier in the week and due to some signposting and a little advice by me and also through their own resilience and determination to sort out their own problems, they were able to pull through and help themselves out.
People that struggle with life and their emotions that work at helping themselves, can be tremendously resilient and face battles that we might never see in order just to be keeping their heads above water or holding down a job or looking after a family or even finding the strength and time to look after themselves. I have huge respect and patience for people that do their best to help themselves and do right by others even when experiencing difficulties themselves.
January can be a tough time of year for some people that struggle and it is seen as the most depressing Month of the year or the Monday of all months. With a Friday the 13th occurring in January as well on the following Monday, statistically the most miserable day of the most miserable of months coming up which is the 16th of January this year being basically the most depressing time of the year, I kind of try and look out for people at this time of the year to see if there is anyone I know and care about that I can intervene with that needs any help that in my own limited way I might be able to provide.
MyBrother Andy Edwards
My brother died on 28th Feb 2015 and I am sure in the last two months of his life he was really grappling with his life, looking to get out of one job where he felt used and undervalued and start a new job where he could earn more money and have a stable future for him and hjis family, he was fearful that his then boss was not going to pay him for works that he had done, fearful that he could not pay the rent on his mortgage for his family home and also upset that he lacked the way out of the situation that he was in and perhaps did not know who to ask or what help was available.
There is an article link here which is more about him and his life and death here
His life was to my mind stopped short, I miss him and am sure he could have been still with us today had his choices and options been different and he had felt like he had more options than those he thought he had at the time. His life was a joy but his death was a true tragedy on which ripples of consequences across time still can be felt to this day and will continue to be felt into the future by many.
The people that were around my brother on the last night of his death feel tremendous sadness and pain due to his death and I wish they did not feel those emotions and worry so about this terible night that my brotehr took his own life upon, I think that many of us feel and wish my brothers actions were in some way preventable but people should not look ti blame themselves for what he did what we did not see coming or could prevent.
I don’t want another soul to go through what we all went through that night and the nights after, although I am not strong enough to save everyone or do everything all the time to help everyone or sometimes fail in seeing the warnign signs in even the peopel I am close to when they hurt. I can always try though to spot those warning signs in friends and family and keep an eye out and try to do my best to help people as and when I can. I little prevention is far better than dealing with the aftermath of a disaster or death.
Well we made it, another year turns to dust as a new one rises from its ashes.
I hope I’m right in writing that it is 2023! I feel like in some ways in the early hours of this morning I have woken up as a time traveler. Wanting to ask just one simple question which is ‘what year is it?’ hoping that the first random person I see will answer that it’s 2023.
As mum had to go into hospital a week before Christmas it kind of put us all out of kilt. We cancelled Christmas Dinner and dad’s partner had the flue so dad cancelled opening his presents this year, his are still under the darn Christmas tree. My dad has never really been excited about Christmas present opening though so having an excuse or reason not to open his presents in 2022 was something that he took all in his stride.
In his defence he does want to hopefully open his presents with his partner when he sees him when he is feeling better, which is fare enough but there was no way I could have the will power to keep my gifts unwrapped this long. We finally got around to cooking a Christmas lunch on new year’s eve and I am pleased to say I did most of the cooking and the food was lush even if I do say so myself.
The image above is of particular significance to me relating to many, many people I know love and respect in my life. And I wish them all a positive, prosperous and happy new year in 2023.
Friends, family, fellow bloggers and people I work with too. Sometimes I see simple random acts of kindness, courage and love from others that just show an insight into the depth of goodness in their souls that makes me happy to know that I know them and have them in some way in my life.
No one can no what tomorrow brings but built on the acts deeds and ideas of yesterday today can be another good day.
A lot has been happening in my family’s life over the last month. My mum has now moved into her new built home which is lovely place and I must get some photos of it too. But as for now I don’t have any yet.
Her dog that is a rescue dog called Milly and absolutely loves the new home and is even after nearly 3 years is beginning to trust me a little more too and not see me as a person to bark at and be fearful of all the time, which is great.
Mums dog Milly
Just got back from a weekend in mums new home after visiting with a friend who was helping us do stuff in the house too. The house is looking much more like a home now with a lot more of mums boxes from the movers unpacked. Her place is looking lovely now.
My friend Justin that was helping us with the move has also just started a new job as a mental health support worker. One of the area of guidance and advice that he will be offering to people is talking to people who are suicidal and providing them with help and support or offering interventions where necessary such as hospital or 999 calls.
This leads me onto something that I have been avoiding talking about on this blog, to friends or family or anywhere to be honest for about a month. But a wonderful human being that used to be a supporter of my blog called Ashley Peterson took her own life in October and I very much feel like the world has lost one of its brightest lights. She had a lived experience of depression and was an author, former mental health nurse and wonderful human being, with great warm, kindness and humanity.
She commented on one of my blogs on the 16th October and then on the 18th October took her own life. There was no hint on her blog or in her comment that she was in any way at that time suicidal or in any way struggling. Its often those that you lest expect or at least at unexpected times are the ones most vulnerable. Having lost an aunt and a brother to suicide already I am so very sorry for her family and what they must be going through now because of the hole left in their lives and the light going out of such a bright and loving soul.
I always try to keep an eye out for certain people that I worry suffer in the emotional waves of their life and where possible and practical try to support friends and strangers alike for want of a better description help to help those in need and keep them in the land of the living rather than let them prematurely pass into the land of the dead.
I find it upsetting that not all that fall can be caught and that not all that feel lost, can be found in time to be saved. It’s hard enough to know one day everything must pass and all will one day will be gone, but it is particularly sad to me to know when those that commit suicide often feel like they had nowhere to turn instead of taking their own life there is always another option and it is sad when they depart that they did not know at the time what the other option was.
From as long as I can remember as a teenager I always hoped and in some ways even took it for granted that I wanted to go out on dates with girls that I liked or was falling in love with that were falling for me too. I was a cute kid even if I do say so myself and so that part of the battle as a teenager was ok. But there is more to having just cute looks as a teenager to having strong and long lasting relationships with people that you want to fall in love with.
The photo is of me in my 20’s on a date on New Year’s Eve in Spreyton with a lovely girl called Robyn. She is the girl in the middle of this photo. It was all going so well until I tried to explain I was a bit mad in a bit of a mad way. She was lovely and I was upset that we broke up but there was a lot going on at that time so I could not focus all my emotions on our break up we were only together for a very short time like 3 dates over about a month anyway.
At 46 I know feel my lifecycle time to have a normal family life and life partner has now well and truly past and to be honest I feel more sorry for my parents than I do myself concerning the idea that their family line will not continue with me and I will not go on to reproduce. They do have one grandchild from my brother but we lost contact with him through Covid-19 and through his silence he has made it very clear that he chooses to have no contact with our family, and like with any relationship it has to be two way in order to work and evolve organically that just is not going to happen.
Back to my relationship statues and I have been happily single for what could be about 15 years now, I enjoy being independent of others and feel very much safe in my own skin and hopefully have a secure roof over my head, good friends and a life I enjoy living. I cannot say I have always had that in life and have found life tremendously hard at times when in relationships or when I thought I loved someone and that love was unrequited. I am sure I have emotionally matured in the last 10 years which could have happened had I been in a relationship or not and so don’t know if the comfort and ease that I have with myself and positive mental attitude has happened because I am single or because I am just older and have different outlook on life.
I have not even come close in the last 15 years to a date, relationship or anything further. I don’t ask and so I don’t get and that really does suit me fine for now (I am not saying I want to be like this forever but have no intention of changing or forcing myself to change for now).
I have been asked twice in the last few years to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend and even though the thought is very flattering when asked by women that I like and respect who likes and respects me enough to see about setting me up with one of their friends it really is lovely. Some other friends have also been trying to encourage me to go speed dating which I have done once in the past and it was a lot of fun. But there are a few reasons why I just don’t want to do the dating thing right now and I don’t think I will be able to resolve or square the circle any time soon.
I might be wrong but it feels like my life is a delicate ecosystem of a combination of things that work in union with each other that makes me content, happy and productive. I fear if I adjust or take one of those things away I could mess it all up. I don’t feel that I have to be in a relationship. I live in a sociable city with people that also have their own challenges and amongst the vast majority of my friends in this city being single is not uncommon or something to be feared, that really does suit me but it does not suit everyone.
I have had times in the past where just one thing going wrong has sent everything to mess up and that is particularly painful when risking losing, job, home, friends, freedom and hurting my health and so I feel in life and relationships I try not to throw caution to the wind and risk it all for what might just be an unobtainable fantasy or dream. Though all hope is not lost just writing this down does make me a little bit sadder about the truth of this situation and feel it’s my responsibility to try and change the situation if I want the situation to change.
I feel my generation of friends do not really feel comfortable operating in the network that is dating sites although many people just a few years or decades younger than me enjoy them and find it a great way to meet people. Alas I used to like to try and get to know a person before dating or telling them what they are getting themselves into which seems very old fashioned now.
When people like and respect get into relationships I am very happy for them and I think that is a positive outlook and I always hope they do well. You can’t really predict who will stay together for how long or how they do it. Though I am sure a great deal of patients, co-operation and understanding is required by both sides.
Went out to a local bar to sing karaoke last Thursday and met and sang a few songs with some friends There was also a lovely girl sitting on our table called Leanne and she was out with a friend of hers who was visiting from the states, he got up and sang some songs extremely well, you could say he had a certain X factor about him.
I feel that this should come with a disclaimer along the lines of if your offended by being termed weird then your not weird your just beautifully differernt
On the night Leanne did say to us that he was a great musician that was the lead singer in a band and had sung with many other musicians too. His name is Luke Spiller and he is in a band called The Struts’ I looked them up on spotify the next day and could not believe it that they have nearly 2 million downloads of his bands songs every month on the site and one of his last singles was with Robbie Williams too. It turns out he was over here to sing at a concert at the O2 Arena in Birmingham which is a massive venue in the UK. This was so cool too that him and Leanne just happened to rock up in our little bar and he sat on our table had a chat got drunk and sang songs just like the rest of us, but the difference being he could actually.
The following night I had an emotional reunion with a women called Kristie who is the daughter to the woman that was my brothers fiancé prior to when my brother took his own life, so had Andy not committed suicide she would have been a daughter in law. She was one of the people with my brother desperately trying to stop him from taking his life right in the horrible night that he took his own life, and it was such a horrendous experience for a lovely young woman to go through. I have not seen her in nearly seven years and so we had a good catch up hugged and exchanged memories and emotions about Andy and offered each other support and I got this photo of us to when we caught up.
kristy and me catchup
I also do something which I dont normally do and made an implusive purchase on website from https://www.vkease.com/
I purchased 4 wooden carved animals with lights on them I hope to display them on my window sill one is a wolf and one is an eagle as pictured below I hope they look as good when they arrive.
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