💕Goodnight sweetheart 💕

Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29^th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.

Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29^th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.

Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-

“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx

Damien Rice – the Blower’s daughter

Andy Edwards nearly 9 years since we lost you.

A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28^th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.

I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.

At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.

A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.

I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.

So sad 9^th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.

I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!

To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.

The gifts of 2023 & the hopes for 2024

This year has been kind of special for me with some good things happened in my life and I have found time and moments to appreciate the good things and not focus or live within the dark or negative side of what has and is happening having this type of focus has been a real plus for me.

I feel like I am a person that I in fact feel comfortable being! I am happy with my lot, I have some good friends that I know and respect and I hope they know and respect me. They help me when they can and I help them when I can too.

I have a good relationship with my mum and dad since my mother has moved back to Devon, we always try and catch up in person about once a fortnight, I feared this would tire me out as I normally enjoy sleeping on the weekends rather than going to other peoples homes, but going to my mums has worked out really well.

This year I have seen that I am no saint and I’m not perfect and don’t beat myself up about this as nobody that I have met or got to know in life is, we all have our little quirks and imperfections, but we also can bring much joy to others and help or at least not hinder others when we can.

Sometimes when you have an understanding of what your weakness are you can always appreciate a weakness as a characteristic of yourself and maybe turn it into a strength. Although at the same time not be over confident in your own strengths or be aware of the good and bad you have the power to do. This year I have tried to embrace change as change is the one constant in anyone’s life and in a relatively good person year I have tried to aim to be optimistic concerning pessimistic times.

I do have conflicting emotions on life and my little place in the universe on the one hand I know the world is a cruel place and dark things happen on this planet and for the foreseeable future global actions and consequences shall continue to chip a little or lot more away from the world and the people upon it.

But within all that exists in places and with people that I cannot change in ways I can neither foresee nor prevent, I must still focus on the things that I can influence and that influence me, the people that I can help (including myself) and do the best I can with the time that is given.

A belated Happy 2023 and Happy New Year 2024 to you.

The Parting Glass – Cara Dillon

Christmas put on ice!

So last week the presents were bought, holidays were booked and plans were being made for family Christmas celebrations to begin this weekend. This time last week I was out with some friends at a bar in Exeter listening to and singing a little to in a bar on the kareoke night.

The following day I had the day off work all prearranged as a little Christmas treat to myself. I then get a call from my mum in the morning saying she had been awake most of the night in considerable pain and had seen her doctor and needed to go into hospital today in order to get some medical help. We both agreed I should get out to her house as soon as I could and Dad had kindly offered to meet up with her and driver her into hospital.

So I get to mums to look after her dog Milly while she is taken into hospital by dad. At this time we did not know if she was going to be in for days or for the day. Her dog is a rescue dog and normally barks when she sees me and certainly does not trust me. But in the time that mum was out the house I needed to let the dog out in the garden to do its business and then try and pursade her to come into house again. We did this little dance twice over a few hours. Though not sure how many times the dog would have listened to me.

So mum was able to be in the hospital and back in a day after having been examined and given more medication to help her. She was still in and still today is in a lot of pain but is gradually getting better and hopefully things are presently stable and going in the right direction. I’ve been staying with her since last Friday and though I try to help I’m not 100% sure if as a son I get in the way and make mess rather than be here as a help.

I was due to take some holiday leave the week after New year but cancelled that leave and booked off this week instead. So I’m still at my mums tonight typing this blog on my tablet. I have not tried writing on my tablet before so apologies if my spelling is poor in this blog post. Mum will not be well enough to eat Christmas diner this Sunday and the bulk of the food is in the freezer presently so we’re going to postpone the meal until next weekend when hopefully she will be feeling better. She asked if I wanted to postpone the present opening and I said, hell no. So we’re still going to open the presents on Christmas day.

I have offered and am well up for cooking Christmas Dinner when we do finally have it I love cooking and enjoy cooking for myself and others. One problem being is mum’s house is spotless and I am a messy cook but I will do my best to cook a good meal for me, my mum, my dad and his partner when we all get together to have the belated Christmas meal in a week or so.

I’m a natural born worrier and I do worry about my parents health. Ever since my brother took his own life I feared, worried and realised that more responsibility will be placed on my shoulders concerning trying to help my parents as we all get older. I guess you just try to do what you can, enjoying the good times and try to do your best to help in the not so good times.

Gabrielle Aplin – Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

To sing, to see and support

Went out to a local bar to sing karaoke last Thursday and met and sang a few songs with some friends There was also a lovely girl sitting on our table called Leanne and she was out with a friend of hers who was visiting from the states, he got up and sang some songs extremely well, you could say he had a certain X factor about him.

I feel that this should come with a disclaimer along the lines of if your offended by being termed weird then your not weird your just beautifully differernt

On the night Leanne did say to us that he was a great musician that was the lead singer in a band and had sung with many other musicians too. His name is Luke Spiller and he is in a band called The Struts’ I looked them up on spotify the next day and could not believe it that they have nearly 2 million downloads of his bands songs every month on the site and one of his last singles was with Robbie Williams too. It turns out he was over here to sing at a concert at the O2 Arena in Birmingham which is a massive venue in the UK. This was so cool too that him and Leanne just happened to rock up in our little bar and he sat on our table had a chat got drunk and sang songs just like the rest of us, but the difference being he could actually.

The following night I had an emotional reunion with a women called Kristie who is the daughter to the woman that was my brothers fiancé prior to when my brother took his own life, so had Andy not committed suicide she would have been a daughter in law. She was one of the people with my brother desperately trying to stop him from taking his life right in the horrible night that he took his own life, and it was such a horrendous experience for a lovely young woman to go through. I have not seen her in nearly seven years and so we had a good catch up hugged and exchanged memories and emotions about Andy and offered each other support and I got this photo of us to when we caught up.

I also do something which I dont normally do and made an implusive purchase on website from https://www.vkease.com/

I purchased 4 wooden carved animals with lights on them I hope to display them on my window sill one is a wolf and one is an eagle as pictured below I hope they look as good when they arrive.

New Radicals – You get what you give

Move, eat & sleep

Well the title pretty much sums up this week. Mum has finally moved back to Devon. It took her a while in many ways, but she is so pleased to be back. She has made some wonderful friends in Conrwall and I also really loved the village that she lived in called Breage. But with the death of my brother who also lived in Cornwall and with the development of Coronavirus and household lockdowns it made mum feel more isolated than ever and needing to have a move to a place where she felt more at home and settled and so has now moved back to Devon.

The home she is living in is in a village called Yoeford and she is renting a property until her new home is built in Cheriton Fitzpaine. Yeoford is easy for me to reach on the train from Exeter, although Cheriton Fitzpaine where she will be finally moving to, has no train or bus from my home city Exeter so will be a little bit more difficult for me to get to as I do not drive. But will need to see how that goes when she moves in later in the year to her house move into the place she has bought that is still beign built at the moment.

Mum also has a dog called Milly, she is very sweet and gentle but also nervous and very, very shy. She does not let me get neat her even though mum has had her for 3 years or more now. But hopefully the more I see her the more she will get used to me. Some of mums friends in cornwall were wonderfully patient with Milly and were able to get close to her and she would always look forward to her treats from mums next door neighbour.

The dog has really surprised me with how resilient she has been in the move I was worrying that she was going to have a mini melt down in the move but hopefully that does not appear to happen.

We think that Milly was abused before being rescued by a charity and she has not had an opportunity yet to have any intensive training to develop her and I think if she were a human she would certainly be considered very autistic and incredibly shy. At one time she would go on hunger strikes and stop drinking when new people would come into mums’ house to stay and she will always be somewhat of a fussy eater. But it seems the only means of control she has over the situations she finds herself. Luckily she has continued to eat and drink during the move and although she will be a little confused by what is going on she seems happy to be where ever mum is.

One of my favourite songs of all time if you have never herd it before have a listen its awsome – Casey the Wonder dog by The Villagers

Moving They Keep On Moving!

Well a lot has happened since I last wrote in this space. Parents are both packing up all there belongings into boxes in their separate homes. Mum is moving back to Devon and Dad decided that he would move out of his bungalow into a new flat too. Who knew the stress of moving could be so much fun, no really who does know about the stress of moving as it is no fun and it’s not even me doing the move.

I thought the whole point of moving was to go to a place that you actually want to live, not just a pit stop along the race track of life. I’m very lucky in that I have a lovely flat and although it’s not my own the rental property is secure and the amount I pay is low, so I will stay here for as long as I can.

I started trying to help my Dad move into his new place and pack a few boxes last Friday I travelled out from Exeter to Crediton. My only problem was I had picked up a cold probably from work and my voice box had packed up on me so had to screech my destination to the driver on each bus I was travelling on. I did not feel too unwell but my voice box was knackered. I took a Covid-19 rapid flow test to just to be sure I had not picked up Covid-19 and that came back as me being in the clear.

I then spent much of my weekend back in my lovely warm flat sleeping off my cold non covid-19 lurgy until this morning when I needed to join my Dad again for the actual moving out of property day to help direct the removal men to which box was going in which room in the new flat. This went well, and I feel a lot better in myself now and less worried for my Dad so I hope he settles into his new home.

Mother on the other hand although has sold her old home and bought a new one to move into will be moving into rented accommodation in December or January as the property that she is moving into will not be finished until June.

So that moving thing will be going on twice for her and no doubt I will have something to do with some parts of her move too. On the plus side the property she has bought to move into in June is a lovely house in a lovely village.

One thing over the weekend that kept on making me think my illness can’t be Covid-19 was that I did not lose my sense of taste although with everything happening all at the same time I do have to report I did lose my sense of humour, though I am pleased to report is coming back again now.

Supergrass – Moving

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

O Brother, Where Art Thou (2000) Soundtrack – Down to the River to Pray

The 28^th February 2021 will be 6 years to the day since we lost my brother to him taking his own life on Saturday in 2015. In the early hours of the morning the young warrior was slain, and it was his own hand that pulling his trigger too. So I am the last of my parent’s children and our line could die with me although my brothers son still lives and god willing he might one day have a family of his own and continue my brothers blood line, but he does not feel like he is really anything to do with our family and grows further away from us as each year passes by and his interest or even belief that he is part of this family diminishes over time.

I have cousins both on my mothers and fathers side of the family that are fantastic breeders and wonderful people. But alas I truly feel that in all realistic ways my time and chances of having a family of my own and a grandchild or grandchildren for my parents is all but gone. It would have helped if I had been in a relationship long enough to ask a lover to marry me, but having not had that many relationships in my lifetime I have no idea if I could father a child let alone be a good father. I am also insanely shy, when it comes to asking women out on dates and that shyness results in me having been single for the vast majority of my life.

People don’t really see me as a shy person but with layers and coping mechanisms I have been able to hide it well for many years and my coping mechanisms and tricks, really do help me get by in this crazy world and I feel like I have found people, friends acquaintances and colleagues who like me and I like them too which makes me feel comfortable and at ease in my own skin.

As I have mentioned to some on here before, my brother was a very spiritual man and he believed that he had a spirit guide that was a Native American spirit guide that communicated with him from the spirit world and I believe this perception of reality that my brother held to be true. My brother Andy was tremendously strong willed, a successful charmer of the ladies and a luckily and driven man. His main flaw was he had no ability to take care of money, but saying that he knew how to take care of people. But ultimately the only person that could beat him at this game of life was himself, when he decided to end his life in one ill tempered moment in time the same zeal and motivation that had fuelled his desire to live tragically resulted in him motivating himself to take his own life.

At first when writing this blog page I did not know whether it was appropriate to write on here out of respect for my brother and parents but as it is already on the web from a newspaper article from after his inquest I feel ok to say on here that unfortunately my brother shot himself in what was described by the coroner and those that were there at the time of his death, as a moment of madness. Hence his determination to live life to the full and do what he wanted to do or what he thought was right was twisted and turned on its head at the end of his life and he used his determination and will to sadly take his own life. One of his then partners children who was then only about 18 herself was wrestling a gun off him on this most wicked of nights along with one of my brothers good friends who was also trying to get the gun off him, only to have Andy run into his bedroom where he grabbed a second gun and ended his own life then. This would be the first and last time he would try to take his own life.

It makes you question everything when a life event like this happens or when any life that you love is suddenly taken away, where was/is god? Why did Andy do this to himself? Why did God or even Andy’s spirit guide let this happen? I very quickly and with some anger inside as well as sadness at first blamed my brother for he was the one that pulled the dam trigger.

But blame does not make the hurt go away and does not stop you from loving a person or asking the question why did he do that? The moment of madness ruling by the judge is all we will really ever have to go on. I know we will meet again one day, but hopefully after I am much older than I am now and we can both laugh ourselves silly looking back at mistakes in life that I have yet to even make yet or laugh at funny situations that I have gotten into and continue to get myself into in my life as well as the funny and wonderful situations we shared when he was alive.

Most good spirited people in this world seem to have a good and kindly nature and sense of humour, and a unique and positive outlook on life and good way at looking at life and putting a spin on life’s events, situations and settings. I like to think I have one of those perspectives too and my brother had one also and last but not least the most awesome walking spiritual dude on this planet , His Holiness the 14^th Dalai Lama of Tibet has one of those positive perspectives on life, (a fellow spiritual person whom is also a singleton you know). My point being is that you have to see the good in people, the laughs in life and have a hunger to continue to want more out of this crazy world in order to find inspiration for a million and 1 ways and reasons to continue to fight the good fight.

A little holiday

Not left Devon since December 2019 and even when I do make it away I take the ever so little leap to the county next door to visit my mum for her birthday. We make it out to a Farm called Travaskis that serve amazing food which I have not been to before where we treat ourselves to a lovely meal.

There was going to be a new Covid-19 announcement made by Boris when I was in Cornwall and so was not 100% sure how long I would be allowed to stay and wanted to get back to Exeter to have a little break on my own and also catch up with some people and places in Exeter too.

I also had my annual GP appointment where the doctor tells me how much weight I have gained and also whether I have been diagnosed with Diabetes yet. They are doing no diabetes tests this year though and luckily I have only gained about 2 kg so considering all the cakes I have eaten during lock down it’s not too bad. I think the walk to the cake shops helped a little. I also went to Specsavers and picked up my first pair of reading glasses since I was about 5 years old. I had some glasses when I was a child to correct my sight and managed to avoid having another set up until now.

Song – I can see clearly now by Johnny Nash

So they have now announced that they are going to shut all pubs at 10pm each night. I must admit some of my favourite joys this year have been catching up with people in some of the local pubs in Exeter although I miss my friends that I used to drink with pre lockdown at the Angel Bar.

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