Is this year nearly over yet! So sadly on Friday 31st January my father sadly passed away in hospital after a short battle with cancer and other complications in his body he was just 73 which feels still so young. He was very ill in his last month of life although it was a pleasure and honour to spend time around him even at this difficult time. I was trying to do a little bit of everything, visit him in hospital, continue to work and also look after myself.
January was a tough month and more so for my Dad than anyone of us. In his time in hospital he also had a bleed on the brain which led to confusion and considerable forgetfulness, which made communication difficult at times. We hoped he could be cured of the diagnosed cancer but also had a considerable fear that this he was dying.
One of the most heartfelt and warm, comforting things Dad has ever said to me was, while he was lying on his hospital bed he said after I told him that I was trying to do a little bit of everything and failing to do them all well. He told me that I had failed at nothing, which was just so beautiful and in his moment of need and support he was their supporting me and making me feel so very proud of him being my Dad.
I was able to let many people know on Facebook that he had passed away and the love and support people have posted has been a huge comfort for which me, mum and Shamen are very grateful for.
Me and his partner Shamen will be meeting with the funeral director tomorrow and we have hopes and plans for what we would like to do for my Dads funeral. Which I will update more information on here as and when it has been planed or taken place.
Our family get together for Christmas 2024 with my Mum, my Dad and my Dad’s partner Shamen – we always try and get together for a Christmas meal as close to Christmas day as possible and this year we all turned up at my mums for a festive meal enjoyed by us all on Christmas day.
It’s strange I started writing this at 4:42am on the Monday 30th December after not much sleep thinking about what Christmas means to me and what the future might hold in 2025. Christmas means different things to different people. Whether it’s a religious festival for the birth of the son of god and your messiah, a chance to have a holiday and relax at a cold and bleak time of the year, a chance to reflect on what just happened in the year that has just taken place and plan or prepare for what might happen in 2025. Or a chance to catch up and spend time with family, for me it’s a mixture of many of those listed above.
I’m thinking alot about the time at the moment, the time we have, times that are special, times that change and when there is no time left at all.
Well its new years eve already tomorrow, doesn’t time just fly
Friday 29th November 2024 would have been my brothers 52nd birthday. I really would not only love to still be able to speak to him but also see how old he would have looked now, I know I have shades of grey in my hair when it grows out I wonder what shades of grey he would have in his hair too now.
If all goes well I will be out catching up with friends this weekend and so would not be able to put this post on my site then. I am sure I could have timed it to come out on his birthday but I prefer to publish posts when I have written them.
When visiting my mum this year we have been discovering slides from the past of her parents and her growing up. There is also a lovely photo we found of her with a young Andy or Andrew as he was called back then.
Lindsay Edwards with her son Andrew Edwards
I just do still wonder what he would be doing know if he was still alive, I still think he would have thrived during the Covid-19 pandemic, he could be insightful, positive, optimistic and funny when you caught him on a good day, of which he had many. So to lose him to himself on a very bad moment is a sad and true tragedy to this day.
I have just tried to add a frame to one of my favourite photos of him and I hope it does him justice. It’s just nice to see him in a very slightly different way. It’s one of my favourite photos of him with the flower painted on him and a happy content look.
Andy Edwards
I also thought it time to take a photo of me too and put a border frame around that too.
Huw Edwards
God bless you Andy I hope you are doing alright where you are and able to look in on us from time to time. Assisting us as best you can with any scrapes we might get into from time to time.
Neil Edwards – Father, Andy Edwards – brother, Lindsay Edwards -Mother
Above photo of when my brother graduated at HMS Raleigh in Cornwall
Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.
Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.
Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-
“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx
A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.
Andy Edwards my bro
I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.
At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.
A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.
I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.
So sad 9th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.
I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!
To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.
This year has been kind of special for me with some good things happened in my life and I have found time and moments to appreciate the good things and not focus or live within the dark or negative side of what has and is happening having this type of focus has been a real plus for me.
I feel like I am a person that I in fact feel comfortable being! I am happy with my lot, I have some good friends that I know and respect and I hope they know and respect me. They help me when they can and I help them when I can too.
I have a good relationship with my mum and dad since my mother has moved back to Devon, we always try and catch up in person about once a fortnight, I feared this would tire me out as I normally enjoy sleeping on the weekends rather than going to other peoples homes, but going to my mums has worked out really well.
This year I have seen that I am no saint and I’m not perfect and don’t beat myself up about this as nobody that I have met or got to know in life is, we all have our little quirks and imperfections, but we also can bring much joy to others and help or at least not hinder others when we can.
Sometimes when you have an understanding of what your weakness are you can always appreciate a weakness as a characteristic of yourself and maybe turn it into a strength. Although at the same time not be over confident in your own strengths or be aware of the good and bad you have the power to do. This year I have tried to embrace change as change is the one constant in anyone’s life and in a relatively good person year I have tried to aim to be optimistic concerning pessimistic times.
I do have conflicting emotions on life and my little place in the universe on the one hand I know the world is a cruel place and dark things happen on this planet and for the foreseeable future global actions and consequences shall continue to chip a little or lot more away from the world and the people upon it.
But within all that exists in places and with people that I cannot change in ways I can neither foresee nor prevent, I must still focus on the things that I can influence and that influence me, the people that I can help (including myself) and do the best I can with the time that is given.
A belated Happy 2023 and Happy New Year 2024 to you.
So last week the presents were bought, holidays were booked and plans were being made for family Christmas celebrations to begin this weekend. This time last week I was out with some friends at a bar in Exeter listening to and singing a little to in a bar on the kareoke night.
The following day I had the day off work all prearranged as a little Christmas treat to myself. I then get a call from my mum in the morning saying she had been awake most of the night in considerable pain and had seen her doctor and needed to go into hospital today in order to get some medical help. We both agreed I should get out to her house as soon as I could and Dad had kindly offered to meet up with her and driver her into hospital.
So I get to mums to look after her dog Milly while she is taken into hospital by dad. At this time we did not know if she was going to be in for days or for the day. Her dog is a rescue dog and normally barks when she sees me and certainly does not trust me. But in the time that mum was out the house I needed to let the dog out in the garden to do its business and then try and pursade her to come into house again. We did this little dance twice over a few hours. Though not sure how many times the dog would have listened to me.
So mum was able to be in the hospital and back in a day after having been examined and given more medication to help her. She was still in and still today is in a lot of pain but is gradually getting better and hopefully things are presently stable and going in the right direction. I’ve been staying with her since last Friday and though I try to help I’m not 100% sure if as a son I get in the way and make mess rather than be here as a help.
I was due to take some holiday leave the week after New year but cancelled that leave and booked off this week instead. So I’m still at my mums tonight typing this blog on my tablet. I have not tried writing on my tablet before so apologies if my spelling is poor in this blog post. Mum will not be well enough to eat Christmas diner this Sunday and the bulk of the food is in the freezer presently so we’re going to postpone the meal until next weekend when hopefully she will be feeling better. She asked if I wanted to postpone the present opening and I said, hell no. So we’re still going to open the presents on Christmas day.
I have offered and am well up for cooking Christmas Dinner when we do finally have it I love cooking and enjoy cooking for myself and others. One problem being is mum’s house is spotless and I am a messy cook but I will do my best to cook a good meal for me, my mum, my dad and his partner when we all get together to have the belated Christmas meal in a week or so.
I’m a natural born worrier and I do worry about my parents health. Ever since my brother took his own life I feared, worried and realised that more responsibility will be placed on my shoulders concerning trying to help my parents as we all get older. I guess you just try to do what you can, enjoying the good times and try to do your best to help in the not so good times.
Went out to a local bar to sing karaoke last Thursday and met and sang a few songs with some friends There was also a lovely girl sitting on our table called Leanne and she was out with a friend of hers who was visiting from the states, he got up and sang some songs extremely well, you could say he had a certain X factor about him.
I feel that this should come with a disclaimer along the lines of if your offended by being termed weird then your not weird your just beautifully differernt
On the night Leanne did say to us that he was a great musician that was the lead singer in a band and had sung with many other musicians too. His name is Luke Spiller and he is in a band called The Struts’ I looked them up on spotify the next day and could not believe it that they have nearly 2 million downloads of his bands songs every month on the site and one of his last singles was with Robbie Williams too. It turns out he was over here to sing at a concert at the O2 Arena in Birmingham which is a massive venue in the UK. This was so cool too that him and Leanne just happened to rock up in our little bar and he sat on our table had a chat got drunk and sang songs just like the rest of us, but the difference being he could actually.
The following night I had an emotional reunion with a women called Kristie who is the daughter to the woman that was my brothers fiancé prior to when my brother took his own life, so had Andy not committed suicide she would have been a daughter in law. She was one of the people with my brother desperately trying to stop him from taking his life right in the horrible night that he took his own life, and it was such a horrendous experience for a lovely young woman to go through. I have not seen her in nearly seven years and so we had a good catch up hugged and exchanged memories and emotions about Andy and offered each other support and I got this photo of us to when we caught up.
kristy and me catchup
I also do something which I dont normally do and made an implusive purchase on website from https://www.vkease.com/
I purchased 4 wooden carved animals with lights on them I hope to display them on my window sill one is a wolf and one is an eagle as pictured below I hope they look as good when they arrive.
Well the title pretty much sums up this week. Mum has finally moved back to Devon. It took her a while in many ways, but she is so pleased to be back. She has made some wonderful friends in Conrwall and I also really loved the village that she lived in called Breage. But with the death of my brother who also lived in Cornwall and with the development of Coronavirus and household lockdowns it made mum feel more isolated than ever and needing to have a move to a place where she felt more at home and settled and so has now moved back to Devon.
The home she is living in is in a village called Yoeford and she is renting a property until her new home is built in Cheriton Fitzpaine. Yeoford is easy for me to reach on the train from Exeter, although Cheriton Fitzpaine where she will be finally moving to, has no train or bus from my home city Exeter so will be a little bit more difficult for me to get to as I do not drive. But will need to see how that goes when she moves in later in the year to her house move into the place she has bought that is still beign built at the moment.
Mum also has a dog called Milly, she is very sweet and gentle but also nervous and very, very shy. She does not let me get neat her even though mum has had her for 3 years or more now. But hopefully the more I see her the more she will get used to me. Some of mums friends in cornwall were wonderfully patient with Milly and were able to get close to her and she would always look forward to her treats from mums next door neighbour.
Mum and Milly moved into Yoeford
The dog has really surprised me with how resilient she has been in the move I was worrying that she was going to have a mini melt down in the move but hopefully that does not appear to happen.
We think that Milly was abused before being rescued by a charity and she has not had an opportunity yet to have any intensive training to develop her and I think if she were a human she would certainly be considered very autistic and incredibly shy. At one time she would go on hunger strikes and stop drinking when new people would come into mums’ house to stay and she will always be somewhat of a fussy eater. But it seems the only means of control she has over the situations she finds herself. Luckily she has continued to eat and drink during the move and although she will be a little confused by what is going on she seems happy to be where ever mum is.
One of my favourite songs of all time if you have never herd it before have a listen its awsome – Casey the Wonder dog by The Villagers
Well a lot has happened since I last wrote in this space. Parents are both packing up all there belongings into boxes in their separate homes. Mum is moving back to Devon and Dad decided that he would move out of his bungalow into a new flat too. Who knew the stress of moving could be so much fun, no really who does know about the stress of moving as it is no fun and it’s not even me doing the move.
I thought the whole point of moving was to go to a place that you actually want to live, not just a pit stop along the race track of life. I’m very lucky in that I have a lovely flat and although it’s not my own the rental property is secure and the amount I pay is low, so I will stay here for as long as I can.
I started trying to help my Dad move into his new place and pack a few boxes last Friday I travelled out from Exeter to Crediton. My only problem was I had picked up a cold probably from work and my voice box had packed up on me so had to screech my destination to the driver on each bus I was travelling on. I did not feel too unwell but my voice box was knackered. I took a Covid-19 rapid flow test to just to be sure I had not picked up Covid-19 and that came back as me being in the clear.
I then spent much of my weekend back in my lovely warm flat sleeping off my cold non covid-19 lurgy until this morning when I needed to join my Dad again for the actual moving out of property day to help direct the removal men to which box was going in which room in the new flat. This went well, and I feel a lot better in myself now and less worried for my Dad so I hope he settles into his new home.
Mother on the other hand although has sold her old home and bought a new one to move into will be moving into rented accommodation in December or January as the property that she is moving into will not be finished until June.
So that moving thing will be going on twice for her and no doubt I will have something to do with some parts of her move too. On the plus side the property she has bought to move into in June is a lovely house in a lovely village.
One thing over the weekend that kept on making me think my illness can’t be Covid-19 was that I did not lose my sense of taste although with everything happening all at the same time I do have to report I did lose my sense of humour, though I am pleased to report is coming back again now.
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