Dear friends and family of Neil Edwards

So we said fairwell to Dad on Friday 7^th March, his family would just like to say a huge thank you to all of you that have shown how much you care for him and us. Me, Shamen and mum have been so grateful for the love and support offered to us at this difficult time. It’s sometimes hard to make a call or show people, if you care due to already full up and busy lives, there is always something else in life to distract you that steels your time away. With that said it has been so very heart-warming and reassuring to know that in our time of need you were able to offer us your love and support.

Whether that was in the way of a kind word or thought, or a call or text to see how we are or for those that made time for us and also for those that were able to see us and Dad in Spreyton on the day we just can’t thank you all enough.

With the decisions to hold the ceremony in Spreyton Village Hall and have the burial at crossways site in Cheriton Bishop, I was a little nervous prior to the day, as to whether we had chosen the right words, locations, hymn and ideas for the day. But with all of those that attended and helped us I do believe we did dad proud and showed him how much he was loved. The whole day and event was a wonderful celebration of Dads life and thank all so much for the time you spared for us prior to the service and also on the day and evening too.

I also want to share Dads poem for those that might want to see it again and also for those that could not make it on the day.

Love the ones you Love by Neil Edwards

Love the ones you love. Don't assume they're fine,
because you haven't heard from them in a while.
Assume they're not - and call them.

Make sure they know you love them.
That can be difficult to say,
but tell them, in whatever words,
in your funny old way.

Take every chance that comes
to do an act of lovingkindness
for those who live in your heart.
These things are powerful voodoo,
because they work for them as well as you.

The only thing we know is true,
is that we don't know what's to come.
Don't just keep them in your heart.
Turn up, and talk, and be with them.

Thank you, dear God, for this good life,
and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
And forgive us if we forget to love the ones we love.

P.S. Don’t beat yourself up. Even if you do all these things, some of us will slip away.

We are good actors and take great pains to keep you off the scent. It’s nothing you did or failed to do. Don’t beat yourself up.

Goodnight and God bless you Dad

Is this year nearly over yet! So sadly on Friday 31^st January my father sadly passed away in hospital after a short battle with cancer and other complications in his body he was just 73 which feels still so young. He was very ill in his last month of life although it was a pleasure and honour to spend time around him even at this difficult time. I was trying to do a little bit of everything, visit him in hospital, continue to work and also look after myself.

January was a tough month and more so for my Dad than anyone of us. In his time in hospital he also had a bleed on the brain which led to confusion and considerable forgetfulness, which made communication difficult at times. We hoped he could be cured of the diagnosed cancer but also had a considerable fear that this he was dying.

One of the most heartfelt and warm, comforting things Dad has ever said to me was, while he was lying on his hospital bed he said after I told him that I was trying to do a little bit of everything and failing to do them all well. He told me that I had failed at nothing, which was just so beautiful and in his moment of need and support he was their supporting me and making me feel so very proud of him being my Dad.

I was able to let many people know on Facebook that he had passed away and the love and support people have posted has been a huge comfort for which me, mum and Shamen are very grateful for.

Me and his partner Shamen will be meeting with the funeral director tomorrow and we have hopes and plans for what we would like to do for my Dads funeral. Which I will update more information on here as and when it has been planed or taken place.

The Parting Glass – Cara Dillon

💕Goodnight sweetheart 💕

Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29^th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.

Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29^th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.

Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-

“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx

Damien Rice – the Blower’s daughter

Andy Edwards nearly 9 years since we lost you.

A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28^th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.

I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.

At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.

A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.

I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.

So sad 9^th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.

I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!

To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.

Words can hurt or heal

So what did yours do today?

I have just watched the following speech which I would definitely recommend you watch too about the power of words.

Mohammed Qahtani – The Power of words

I love to write words and speak them at times, to change or influence a point of view or perception on reality or life.

A friend of mine discovered or invented the phrase “a social hand grenade” as soon as I heard it I thought what a cool expression, what it meant was to throw a word or phrase into a conversation that would have maximum impact and if you did it to the right person or people at the right time to blow their mind too. I thought to myself what a great concept.

Over the years I have tried to put words into a conversation so as to have a positive impact on the person that I am speaking to rather than a negative. Although more often than not in the sad and disappointing times of my life when I have been sad and angry I have said things that still haunt me to this day.

More often than not to women that I thought had spurned me or decided they were openly no longer or perhaps never even had been in love with me. I remember to this day not perhaps the exact words that I said but the memory of a moment in which those words were said and though they can never be taken back nor the moment vanish from time I do hope I have learnt from those occasions so that in the future in a similar circumstance I do not try to feed my own ego by trying to bring someone else down.

If life has hopefully taught me any lesson it is the one that conflict through words and deeds just for the sheer sake of it bears as much fruitful as a cherry tree in the desert with no water.

Gabrielle Aplin – The Power of Love

Singing in a bar called The Ship again

Well me and a couple of friends headed out last Friday to a bar called the Ship in Exeter and they had their Friday karaoke tunes being played and sung to. My friend Michelle was the first person to get up and sing and sung ‘Take My Breath Away’ by Berlin and really did such a powerful and yet emotionally beautiful version of the song it really was amazing to listen to, she did herself, the audience listening and the song proud.

I then put in a request for a song and got up and sung it, I was very nervous and sung a song called ‘all the things that I’ve done’ by the Killers. I was a little shy and not sung this song in a bar in many a year and found the words racing ahead on the screen where I would be then trying to catch-up and sing along to what was coming up. I managed to get through the whole song and people were very kind and clapping and cheered at the end of the song when I had finished which was great, I look forward to going back there and having a go another time.

I would like to try and sing the following song if I had a little more confidence and if the DJ had the song top sing which is by the cranberries and called ‘no need to argue’. I don’t think it would be suitable for the ship as that is more power ballads and rock and pop anthems where drunken crowds join in, but I might be able to get away with trying to sing it at the Arcade see if Damien has it as a selection.

The Cranberries – No need to argue

The album this song is on is also called ‘no need to argue’ and it came out when I was 18. It was beautifully sung and gently expressive song on an album that I found really helped me bring about calmness in my mind at a time in my life when I was a hugely sensitive and emotional person. All happy, hippy go lucky one minute, in love the next and then heartbroken after that! Listening to the song still to this day and it reminds me so much of when and what I have found and had, loved and lost and thankfully recovered and then been able to move on and prepare for the whole lot of madness and shenanigans again.

Little Singing Soul

There are many things that fascinate me about what it means to be alive and the one that I will touch on today is our love of and ability to interpret life and be interpreted by an expression of singing and the sounds we make when we sing a song.

I nearly always try to put a video of a song on my blog posts when I type one and one of the reasons I do this is sometimes because there is a particular song rattling around in my head that inspires a post or at other times a particular post I write inspires a song or both the post and song just somehow seem to fit.

When in my teens I used to love creative writing although I never have had an ability or gift to write songs. But I have always loved the appreciation of a good song and liked to tap my feet, when younger I used to dance too but now as I get older I have over the last few years got into singing in bars on karaoke nights.

I really do love doing this it’s such a great way to express yourself and have fun and show people that you have a life and a voice! I also love to listen to other people sing live and depending on my mood or where I am sometimes much prefer to listen to others sing than get up and sing myself. I do get nervous before I sing and in my local bar there are normally only about a dozen people listening of which half of them I might know and so I can manage my nerves easier in those situations rationalising to myself that as its a small group I’ll be ok and not judges if I make a mistake or sing badly. More often than not the people I sing in front of are very supportive and kind to me often complementing my singing which I really do appreciate. I’m no great singer but I am not bad too.

So last week some friends went out to a different bar which also runs a karaoke night and i decided to put a song in and get up and sing. I slowed down on my drinking as I did not want to get up there drunk and still wanted to give it my best shot. So an ahour and a half went by and I checked with the DJ if he had called my name out and he said that he thought my name was “You” not “Huw” and thought I had already left. So I was then the next one up on to sing. So sing my little heart out I did to a song by a band called Fun called “We Are Young” it went really well the crowd loved it, joining in too and I remembered the words too, so long as I kept my eyes on the screen and I seemed to hit the notes and sing at the right times and a good night was had by all.

The pub had a much bigger audience than I was used to singing in front of, but it was such a good experience I do hope to go back there again to try and sing my little heart out once more.

I think I will try and sing the song that I have placed below, when I can in the next busy karaoke bar I go to.

The Killers – All These Things That I’ve Done

Thoughts on hate bouncing around in my head this week

Hate seems to be a real driver in politics and life today along with fear too. The thing is though I genuinely struggle to hate although I do experience fear. I tend to fear those that hate the most in any political sphere or even life in general.

Fear – anger – hate – suffering (clip from star wars the phantom menace)

Home secretary Suella Braverman said those coming to Britain in small boats had “heightened levels of criminality” – including drug dealing and prostitution – but failed to provide any evidence for the claim. If this is not incitement to generate fear, cause anger which will lead to hate and suffering then I don’t know what is.

Immigration minister Robert Jenrick also went on to say that small boat arrivals were “essentially asylum shoppers”, as the Illegal Migration Bill cleared the Commons despite a tough time from Tory MPs concerned by the plan to detain and deport Channel migrants.

Its times like these when the UK is reminded that we have a right wing government in power. I fear for the politics of hate I also feel sorry for those that are hated and demonised; no good can come from this level of manipulation of a situation in order to score political points.

The conservative can continue to peddle lies and propagate damaging legislation into laws because they have a majority in our house of commons and they have they have that majority by wiping up hate for those that would challenge them.

I also saw the above photo doing the rounds on a hipster cool anti government page on Facebook in the UK about the state of American politics and their only crimes are probably that people have been taught to hate them. You might not agree with their views or how they conduct their politics or business but that does in no way make them criminals.

Peel below the surface of people that peddle this kind of disinformation and your in for one hell of a lot of conspiracy theories that just amount to zero fact and plenty of incitement to generate fear, cause anger which will lead to hate and suffering.

Was not sure whether to have dancing to the jail house rock as a song here today or something completely different!

Live Lounge Allstars – Times Like These (BBC Radio 1)

Life, Love and Loss

A lot has been happening in my family’s life over the last month. My mum has now moved into her new built home which is lovely place and I must get some photos of it too. But as for now I don’t have any yet.

Her dog that is a rescue dog called Milly and absolutely loves the new home and is even after nearly 3 years is beginning to trust me a little more too and not see me as a person to bark at and be fearful of all the time, which is great.

Just got back from a weekend in mums new home after visiting with a friend who was helping us do stuff in the house too. The house is looking much more like a home now with a lot more of mums boxes from the movers unpacked. Her place is looking lovely now.

My friend Justin that was helping us with the move has also just started a new job as a mental health support worker. One of the area of guidance and advice that he will be offering to people is talking to people who are suicidal and providing them with help and support or offering interventions where necessary such as hospital or 999 calls.

This leads me onto something that I have been avoiding talking about on this blog, to friends or family or anywhere to be honest for about a month. But a wonderful human being that used to be a supporter of my blog called Ashley Peterson took her own life in October and I very much feel like the world has lost one of its brightest lights. She had a lived experience of depression and was an author, former mental health nurse and wonderful human being, with great warm, kindness and humanity.

She commented on one of my blogs on the 16^th October and then on the 18^th October took her own life. There was no hint on her blog or in her comment that she was in any way at that time suicidal or in any way struggling. Its often those that you lest expect or at least at unexpected times are the ones most vulnerable. Having lost an aunt and a brother to suicide already I am so very sorry for her family and what they must be going through now because of the hole left in their lives and the light going out of such a bright and loving soul.

I always try to keep an eye out for certain people that I worry suffer in the emotional waves of their life and where possible and practical try to support friends and strangers alike for want of a better description help to help those in need and keep them in the land of the living rather than let them prematurely pass into the land of the dead.

I find it upsetting that not all that fall can be caught and that not all that feel lost, can be found in time to be saved. It’s hard enough to know one day everything must pass and all will one day will be gone, but it is particularly sad to me to know when those that commit suicide often feel like they had nowhere to turn instead of taking their own life there is always another option and it is sad when they depart that they did not know at the time what the other option was.

Eric Clapton – Tears In Heaven

A day to remember them

A day of mixed emotions today I have been advised that I no longer needed to shield and so stepped out of my home and walked to work this morning and returned to the office. Its the first time I have walked into Exeter since I had my coronovirus jab, so things on the up for me personally.

But the lives taken of two young people in Exeter were also weighing on my mind. Firstly Lorraine Cox who was murdered in the Summer of 2020 had a jury find the murderer guilty of killing her and he is due to be sentenced next Wednesday. On the night she was last seen she was drinking in a local bar I drink in which is a lovely and friendly place, always welcoming to people who come through its doors and little did the people drinking with her on her last night know when she left what would next happen to her that terrible night in August 2020. It really has been deeply dark time for some of her friends and family that know and love her.

Secondly there is a wonderful young man, younger that is than me that very recently died in Exeter and his funeral was today. His name was Trevor Garman and he was a local legend within his lifetime. He had such a warm and worldly way to him and when we would get talking he was always very welcoming, kind and a great teller of stories and a champion of social justice to boot. Plus he made a great pirate and ran the most awesome karaoke night in town, where even I would occasionally get up and sing. He was always so warm and welcoming to the people that got up and sang and really made you feel supported up on the stage and was always making you want to go back for more.

Sadly after posting this page I have another soul to add to the list of the lost humans

I was lucky enough to meet and work at the Devon Wildlife Trust with a wonderful woman called Emma Parkinson some 20 years ago. We used to chatter in the office, go camping on Wildlife Nights Out for School groups and also go out with the rest of the crew at DWT for an occasional beer or two. When I moved away from Exeter she was one of many wonderful people that I lost touch with and hoped to one day meet again. So I was trying to see if she had a facebook page this week and sadly came across her memorial page I don’t know how or under what circumstances her life was lost but it happened a couple of years ago another real tragedy of a good person taken before their time.

So all in all a sombre day for many Exetonians today.

Eva Cassidy – Fields of Gold

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