Category: Friend

Welcome to the matrix

Do you ever feel like the world that we live in is not as it should be?

A world not as advanced, kind and caring for you as you think it should aspire to be?

Do you ever feel you should be more appreciative of what you have and yet you are more disappointed in what you don’t have?

Grateful for the roof over your head and the food in your belly, but somehow hoping and expecting more out of life?

Do you ever feel like though your little bubble is safe, calm and relatively sane but it could be burst within a second and lead you to despair?

A bubble that though looks secure, good even inviting to others that could be burst quite easily if you do or say the wrong thing, lose a job or house or friend?

Do you ever feel like you strive and fight hard for what you already have and expect little more in return?

Well welcome to the matrix of reality, the machine of human existence, endurance and evolution. The lifeline and fire blanket of existence that tries to keeps you out of harm’s way and helps you feel relatively safe where you are with what you have.

With the threat or reality of your current situation in life being taken away from you or pulled from under your feet and the severe consequences that that might have for you and your loved ones meaning you will fight hard to keep your little piece of existence in place.    

I started to write this thinking why do we not confront the matrix of reality that we live in and strive harder to change what we have or to demand there must be more.

But now weirdly for me this has turned into an opposite line of thought and argument on why we strive not to confront the matrix of reality and aspire instead to find contentment in what we have and acceptance in who we are and what we do.

It seems more often the not even just the little that we have is often too much to lose!

Nick Drake – ‘Cello Song

Friend’s digital meltdowns

Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting  messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.

I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)

My Bro Andy

It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.

Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.

Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way.  Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.

Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.

Mumford and Sons – Awake my Soul

At age 47 and ¼ I bought my first bookcase last week

Yep it’s true on the plus side I am one more step closer to being an adult and on the downside it’s err true I am one more step closer to being an adult.

I must admit my collection of books is and has always been very eclectic mix for example I have a book of poems from a great local Exeter Poet called Steve Carnell – who a while back used to do the open mic circuit and read out his awesome poems on great drunken lad’s nights out he is an awesome guy and once close friend –but as times move on so did he.

Book of Poems called the 23rd Mojo by Steve Carnell

The next wonderful human that I know or knew who wrote another awesome book is the lovely Barbara Haddrill – She wrote an eco travel book called Babs to Brisbane about her eco travel to of all places Brisbane in order to be a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding. Babs is such a wonderful talented and inspirational person.

Babs to Brisbane by Barbara Haddrill

My next book is not by someone I know but I think the front cover title changed and influenced my entire life from the day that I read it to this. It’s called ‘The only planet of choice’ – it’s at the very least a mind opening spiritual and philosophical fantasy concerning the evolution of earth, you, me and the universe – the choices that we make and how they impact on everyone and everything and ripple through time and space and at most it is something so much more than that!

My next book was a gift from my mum to make my book collection look a little more sensible and again adult like. It’s called RSPB Handbook of British Birds. I found it very handy when trying to identify the birds along my street and on my bird table during lockdown back in the old days of covid lockdown times.

My fiaal book that I am showing is a dream dictionary and I have a few of these but this is by far my favourite one which is by Russell Grant and is his Illustrated Dream Dictionary. I’m on my second copy of this book now as the first fell apart from me waking up too many times in the middle of the night and grabbing it and quickly trying to see what it thought about my dreams and then chucking it back on the floor when I had finished and went back to sleep. To this day I swear I am not sure if one of those darn dreams or nightmares has come true yet! But it was always interesting to read the interpretation and Russell Grant always put a positive spin on dreams and nightmares’ which from an early age I have found comforting.

Oh well onwards and upwards. Well speaking of onwards and upwards or flashing outwards with less brightness I think my TV might be on the blink and the back light might be about to give out – looks like another adult purchase might be on the cards – oh bugger, TV Don’t go dark on me just yet.

Distance, Light & Sky – Don’t Go Dark On Me 

It’s OK to sometimes not feel OK!     

The mind and how it manages emotions is a strange and extremely complex process, one which has not really been understood by many for as long a time as when we thought that we started to think! If we knew how to take good care of our emotional wellbeing and manage our thought processes, then I am sure we would like to think we would be a whole lot better position as a species at providing a better life to ourselves and our fellow humans.

Global political issues are sadly still savagely brutal at the moment and I still struggle to watch the news on TV, or read bits of newspaper articles and political memes on the internet. When I do and they give me a brief snapshot of what is going on, but it’s mostly a grim picture to still see. I do feel as a somewhat grown up adult that it’s some thing of a responsibility to try and stay in touch with local, national and global affairs but it does become information overload at times and leaves me feeling a little overwhelmed, sick and helpless.  

In my little bubble, things should be good. Work is going well, Santa has just offered the elves a pay rise before Christmas, which will really help as things have been a bit of a squeeze at times this year. The one over arching issue that hurt today, (I think) is that, I tried to reach out to an old university friend that I have not seen or heard from in about 28 years and as far as I can see I have been completely blanked and not seen as worthy of communicating with now. This really has hurt, I feel quite stupid for being upset over something as potential insignificant in the big scheme of things as this but it still upsets me and sadly makes me feel very frustrated and helpless.   

I just can’t believe I am over thinking this and feel quite sad and vulnerable because of it. There are lots of things in my life I could get upset about if my brain was ‘normal’ such as the fact I have lost my only brother, have no child or children or no partner to grow old with and feel like I have left it far too late to sort those things out now. Oh and the fact that the world is potentially going to hell in hand cart with global warfare and warming! Though weirdly I can rationalise those dark thoughts and on a ‘normal’ or good day or year manage those thoughts and feelings, and do my best to come to terms with them or have learned and still learning to live with them or change the things I can and accept those that I cannot.

But suddenly out of the blue I find a friend on the internet and try to make contact with her and hear nothing back and it suddenly send me into a spin of negativity, which I just don’t like or understand. I can count on just one hand the people that I was once close to that have chosen to cut me out of their life or refuse to accept friend requests on Facebook or choose not to reply to an email or text. It does not happen every day or every year come to that, but has happened and I find it very distressing and it just hurts. We all want to be respected and loved at some level and when someone makes a conscious effort to keep out of your life or not acknowledge a text or email then it makes you feel no matter how cool or good a person you thought you were or try to be your not good or cool enough for them.

I know in my head you can’t be accepted by all that you want to accept you, or respected by those you want to respect from too, or speak to all those you have something to say too. But it does not stop my emotions become a little wobbly and hurt when these things do or don’t happen as you hope they should or could.

Arcadian Refugee – the search for a new drinking hole continues!

I have stopped watching a lot of the main national and international news stories at present as not able to stomach the reality of Gazan civilians being killed or Trump being re-elected as US president. I am also still mindful  of posting views that might offend too. I sometimes don’t mind throwing in the odd social commentary hand grenade into a conversation or blog post but it has to have purpose and not just explode in someone’s mind for sheer effect.

As mentioned a while back my local favourite pub called the Arcade closed and I and a few other people are still looking for a local drinking hole to be accepted in that we feel comfortable to hang around in. There is a pub called the Ship in the centre of Town which is great in its own way but due to its location for Tourists and locals gets very busy, which can be nice some of the time but not all the time. They have a karaoke night there too but normally so busy I can only get up and sing one song and I get so nervous singing there that it’s not really enjoyable doing it anyway.  

So I am hoping to try another bar called The Bishop Blaize this Friday and see what that is like they also do a karaoke night there too (are you seeing there is a pattern forming of places to go to here!)

I never thought the art of finding the perfect pub could be so difficult. There are so many things to take into consideration. Such as the location, price of drinks, types of drinks, the locals that drink there and whether they are friendly or whether there are too many or not enough of them, what music they play and what nights they put on and when and also whether you can smoke there and where you can smoke (not that I do smoke, but some of my friends still do).

I grew up in a village where the pub had been running for over 100 years and it was great fun there too. But now that I live in a city (a small city at that) you get to choose where you want to spend your hard earned cash. Though having lots of choice does not make that choice any easier and with all the competition lots of pubs come and go!

I try and only venture out to the pub once a week these days as I have diabetes and need to take tablets each evening after a meal which I don’t think would go down well with beer or at least not well with lots of beers. After an annual review in October my doctor said that I needed to double the dosage of my diabetes medication which was only one tablet a day to two now which I think is better than having to have an injection of insulin each day.

But I am mindful not to drink too much or skip taking the medication. When I had my diabetes review I at first heard that my weight had stayed the same over the last 12 months (and it’s a relief not to have put weight on, for sure). But finding out my blood sugars had gone up and my body was even worse at breaking down sugars was a real disappointment as this had previously been going well for the last few years.

So back to the beer sellers and my search for a new watering hole continues and its quality of a night out now over quantity of nights out. The search for the next best bar in Exeter continues.

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping

Last orders at the bar

My lovely local bar on Fore Street in Exeter will be calling last orders at the bar for the final time this Saturday. I have a lot of good memories of this place and fond memories of the people that I met within it and the friendly atmosphere and smiling happy faces the greeted me in it. It is my number one place to go to unwind and sing a tune at at the end of the week on their karaoke night on a Thursday.

For a few reasons with which I will never truly probably know the exact in and outs of it has struggled at the moment which has effected foot fall and in truth became a little bit of a viscous cycle of potential decline.

Damien the lovely landlord would at time struggle to hire staff to help him with serving drinks or keeping the place clean and that meant people could come into the bar without knowing whether their particular drink would be being served or wether the toilets had been cleaned and supplied with toilet roll that evening.

Damien is the handsome pirate dude on the right

I did fear this day would come and so have been trying to find a nice bar in Exeter to go into once a week but nothing comes close to the Arcade really, when I make my last trip out this week I must try and remember to get peoples phone numbers that are not on facebook and make sure I try and keep in contact with them.

The one consistent thing that never changes about life no matter how hard you plan, hope or pray it won’t, is that people and places continue to evolve and change. Whether through circumstance within or out of our control and the closing of this bar is just another one of those constantly changing things.

Damien is a young man in his early 30’s, mind you and he is very much looking to his next pub venture in Exeter and he does a man with white van service for those looking to shift some stuff around and earn him some extra cash.

White van man Damien

So this Thursday I am planning on going to the Arcade for their last karaoke night in their present venue and look forward to also seeing the lovely pub dog Checkers.

Checkers the pub dog
Semisonic – Closing Time

Happy 70th Birthday Mum

Mums lovely birthday cake

We celebrated my mum’s 70th birthday this week. We went to the Tom Cobley Tavern, which is a lovely pub in the village of Spreyton where I grew up. We all have such good memories of this place and Mum, Dad and Dad’s partner have not all been here for quite a few years and we have certainly not been here all together for a while too. We all had a lovely day with mum and Dad and Dad’s partner Shamen catching up with old friends from the village of Spreyton. There were 12 of us at the meal in the bar which Dad also used to work in and the meal was lovely and the cake that we had made for Mum’s birthday looked beautiful and tasted absolutely delicious.

Words can hurt or heal

So what did yours do today?

I have just watched the following speech which I would definitely recommend you watch too about the power of words.

Mohammed Qahtani – The Power of words

I love to write words and speak them at times, to change or influence a point of view or perception on reality or life.

A friend of mine discovered or invented the phrase “a social hand grenade” as soon as I heard it I thought what a cool expression, what it meant was to throw a word or phrase into a conversation that would have maximum impact and if you did it to the right person or people at the right time to blow their mind too. I thought to myself what a great concept.

Over the years I have tried to put words into a conversation so as to have a positive impact on the person that I am speaking to rather than a negative. Although more often than not in the sad and disappointing times of my life when I have been sad and angry I have said things that still haunt me to this day.

More often than not to women that I thought had spurned me or decided they were openly no longer or perhaps never even had been in love with me. I remember to this day not perhaps the exact words that I said but the memory of a moment in which those words were said and though they can never be taken back nor the moment vanish from time I do hope I have learnt from those occasions so that in the future in a similar circumstance I do not try to feed my own ego by trying to bring someone else down.

If life has hopefully taught me any lesson it is the one that conflict through words and deeds just for the sheer sake of it bears as much fruitful as a cherry tree in the desert with no water.

Gabrielle Aplin – The Power of Love 

Wishes Of Happiness And Prosperity

Last week there were and still are a number of ongoing difficulties affecting people that I care a great deal about and there have been some real tragedies and sadness as well as financial difficulties and obstacles affecting friends in and around Exeter – some of those troubles might be sorted overnight some might take a lifetime to be worked upon (or what feels like a lifetime anyway).

I hope those of you going though difficulties at this time know that you are loved, respected and admired for doing your best and trying your hardest to do what you can do with all you have.

I just want to say you are not alone, have never been alone and with the friendship and family you have and with the strength and depth of your characters you can do and be what you choose to do and be.

My brother had a Native American spirit guide that would assist and guide him in both times of peace and chaos and I love the concepts that I read about Native American culture, philosophy and music and with that in mind I try to express how I feel about loved ones and friends today through there perceptions beliefs and below music too.

Yeha-Noha (Wishes of happiness and prosper) – Sacred Spirit

Happy birthday vibes, good times with good people

I swear when it comes to writing my posts of late I mainly want to write about what’s happening in my life or what’s revolving around in my mind and even though there are not a huge amount of readers there is a wide variety of people to consider as an audience. From kind people that regularly read my blog from across the world, to friends across the UK my home city and colleagues in my workplace and not forgetting my mum too.

Well I went out to sing last Thursday night to my local bar and something completely different happened to me that has not happened to me in many years, I almost thought it might not happen again and was not expecting it to happen last Thursday either. But I met a very beautiful woman who I liked and I hope and like to think she liked me too.

I caught a glimpse of her on the side of my eye as she had just walked into the bar and she had then decided to leave because there was no bar person serving. I waved over to her and to the landlord of the pub and said that he could still serve her if she wanted a drink and so that is how we met. It turned out it was her birthday and seeing as how it is my birthday on the 12th of July too I was very happy to wish this beautiful woman a happy birthday and start talking to her.

I then got up and sang at the bar and so did she, with a beautiful voice. I did not want the night to end, even though I was working the next morning I thought I wanted to stay out later and see where the night would take us. So me, a few friends and the wonderful birthday girl went onto a nightclub. It was soon just me and the birthday girl left and we danced and talked and drank until the early hours of the morning when I then walked her to a taxi rank and she got safely home and I got safely back to my place too. Wow what a lovely night.

Again if she gets to read this I do wonder what she will think about me for writing it, she is a friend on Facebook now, so if I were to post this there, I don’t know if she will be pleased or upset to see what I have said. She is a single mum and was firm with me on the night we were out that she did not want to meet up with me to go on a date in the future, again I don’t know why and did not push her on this, but hoped and assumed this was due to her circumstances and not due to anything that I had said or done. I would love to meet her again but that is something I need to try and work out for myself and tell her and perhaps not kind of be writing about on my blog!!!

Stereophonics – Dakota