Clocks went back by an hour over the weekend so its now gone 10pm instead off 11pm on Monday night. It feels more like a Sunday night as I had the day off today. I went out to a city called Plymouth to a bar called Walkabout to sing Karaoke with some friends on Sunday. I hope we all had a good night and got up and sang our little hearts out.
Some of my favourite songs that I sing relate to a connection between my head and heart in the songs concerning such unspoken matters such as unrequited love, past lovers no longer with us and love lost as well as other other things that are also important to me such as the loss of my father and brother or what will happen to us all on this planet in the future (all good deep and meaningful issues on my mind of coure).
I got to sing three songs last night – the first was ‘the Blowers Daughter’ by Damien Rice. The next song I sung I was ‘Fields of Gold’ by Sting and finally I sang a song by the killers called ‘All the things I have done’. I bit of drunken crowd participation took place too which was aq lot of fun and also late night out as the bar shut about 1:30am and I got home just after 2:30am so lucky to have the day off really as a means of recovering from such a late night.
It’s a big venue with a big stage but does not really get that full so feels quite intimate to sing there and there are lots of other really good singers that also get up and give it their best. Since lock down back at the beginning of the 2020’s I have met so many good and new friends due to singing at Karaoke bars and it really has brought so many great opportunities too and a new lease of life for me.
I really do enjoy meeting new people and getting to know who they are and what makes them tick. I don’t know if this is a natural curious state of mind or brought on even more due to having lost people through them passing away and so searching for ways to meet other new and lovely people as a means to try and compensate for those that have been lost. This will be my first Christmas without my Dad which is strange and even though it’s still nearly 2 months away it is nonetheless a though on my mind.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year – oops no that’s the wrong time, though the sun is shinning and the outdoors is warm and not to hot but its definitely not THAT time of the year.
Instead it’s antivirus renewal time for my PC or at least I am getting a lot of emails from Bitdefender telling me to renew my antivirus or sit back and let them automatically take out of my bank in September £80 (HOW MUCH).
Which to my mind is far to expensive and so I have decided that whatever I do I will not be automatically renewing it with them. Normally I purchase my antivirus software on another site on the internet more often than not on Amazon. It cost me £30 last year so I am in no hurray whatsoever to have exactly the same cover for £80 instead!
I have already found a replacement package of Bitdefender antivirus for 12 months for just £20 which I will be using for the next 12 months. But I was annoyed and disappointed by the fact they have set up an autorenewal for £80 for me which I am finding very difficult to cancel.
So I have been following the online instructions on how to cancel the autorenewal and when I get to the correct page on their software the cancelation button is just off screen making it impossible to cancel both on my pc and phone, very convenient for Bitdefender and a royal pain in the behind for me.
I have contacted there customer services team asking them to cancel my rolling subscription and they just emailed me back offering more ways of spending lots of money with them and not cancelling my autorenewal. So I have emailed them again asking politely for them to cancel the dam autorenewal.
I am still waiting for a response from Bogdan C. a Bitdefender Retention & Loyalty Specialist to get back to me on this matter.
I did not want to do a lot on my birthday this year as I was minded to think of having lost my Dad at the beginning of the year. Normally on my birthday over the last few years I would go out for a meal with friends and last year went to a bar called the White Hart.
Me stuck in the middle with some great guys that I went out with for my birthday in 2024.
I instead went out on Friday 11th July this year to a local bar where we sing Karaoke. I got up and sung We are Young by Fun and a friend kindly recorded me singing but I sound very loud and drunk and so will not post it on here just yet.
Yesterday I went out for a meal with my mum at a pub called the Fisherman’s Cot. We got some rare photos of me and mum too then also.
So I have the week off now and will just relax and take it easy, fortunately its no longer as hot as it was last week so just chilling and recharging my batteries.
In memory of those gone but not forgotten, loved and not lost
Today is 2 months to the day since my lovely father passed away and though I think often of him miss him and feel and know that he is no longer here – I do so in what I feel to be a fond farewell light and positive imprint of him on my mind and soul.
Some people I know are horrified by the death of a love one or terrorised by no longer having a loved one in their life or fear when others lose people close to them too and keep their distance from people who have recently lost or are bereaving. Depending on the circumstances of a death, I know it can be brutal to lose someone that you deeply love.
But I don’t feel we should use our own self suffering as a barometer to how much we loved someone or even how much they are now missed. There are many joys to life and being alive and living in the moment are things which my father enjoyed to do in life himself and he would wish for me in some way I’m sure to appreciate the experience of being alive and not be tied up in knots due to his death or the death of other who were loved and lost.
Years ago in university during what was possibly a sociology class I remember a lecture announcing to us that when we cry we only cry for ourselves and for what those tears mean to us. We have no empthy and emotions for others whatsoever. I was instantly enraged and engaged in this opinion and perspective and that is exactly what the lecture wanted us to do to challenge him to engage with him and ultimately gain an emotional reaction on what his statement said. To this day I have often still wondered about the concept of crying for other s or simply crying for our selves and was the lecturer trying in some way to express a simple truth of his or get us to engage in emotive intellectual debate. Who knows? What I do know is that idea still remains with me some 30 years later.
I suppose the debate will always rage, do we cry for ourselves? or for others? What we have lost or for those whom were taken away or maybe from knowing that we will one day be in the same situation sitting in a coffin ourselves and before that day comes for us crying or morning that day getting closer and closer for us as with each day that passes as well as those others that we love and have in our lives that we will one day lose. Why do we hurt for what was taken away or for what we might yet lose?
Dad, my brother Andy and my Mum at Andy’s passing out parade at his official graduation ceremony following the completion of his course at Culdrose Cornwall.
I sat down to write this as a way of saying I’m ok and hello and its also ok to not be ok. But it appears to be more and deeper than that as the words flow out. What I’m trying to say is to me I want to love those that I have lost, appreciate them in this living alive world and show little signs of respect and love for those I care about where I can by how I live, whether that’s by being a little kinder at times, older and wiser at others but definitely not feeling sad for sadness sake or hurt for the sake of being heartbroken sake.
The people that I have and love in this life I have enjoyed their company at their highs and lows and mostly enjoyed being with them at their highs when they too enjoyed their life. I aspire to enjoy my life and honour theirs.
This time last year me and Dad were on holiday in Ireland for St Patricks day, thanks to a bet that I won on the horse the day after Christmas 2023. It was an unexpected win for a number of reasons and so when the bet paid out I shared some of the money with my mum and dad as the money did not really feel like mine anyway.
Dad said that rather than have the cash he wanted to go on holiday to Ireland and so that is exactly what we did. I paid for the accommodation and flights and we shared the costs of the meals and drinks. It was so much fun and went to some new places that I had not visited before as well as some tried and tested places. We initially got a ferry over from south Wales, which very nearly did not happen to County Wexford, then stayed in lovely hotel there and then travelled to Cork where dads Nan was from. We then went up to Limerick and onto Galway where we spent a weekend and was in St Patricks day for the Sunday. Finally we headed back to Dublin for a few days and then caught a flight back home. I love Ireland; I love my family and feel like although I am missing my Dad now that he is no longer with us I am very grateful for the time we shared together.
I feel like I am counting my blessings at present rather than counting my curses and there are many blessings. Though I hoped and thought he would live longer the time we all shared with him was special and I feel honoured to have known him and had him as part of my life.
So we said fairwell to Dad on Friday 7th March, his family would just like to say a huge thank you to all of you that have shown how much you care for him and us. Me, Shamen and mum have been so grateful for the love and support offered to us at this difficult time. It’s sometimes hard to make a call or show people, if you care due to already full up and busy lives, there is always something else in life to distract you that steels your time away. With that said it has been so very heart-warming and reassuring to know that in our time of need you were able to offer us your love and support.
Whether that was in the way of a kind word or thought, or a call or text to see how we are or for those that made time for us and also for those that were able to see us and Dad in Spreyton on the day we just can’t thank you all enough.
With the decisions to hold the ceremony in Spreyton Village Hall and have the burial at crossways site in Cheriton Bishop, I was a little nervous prior to the day, as to whether we had chosen the right words, locations, hymn and ideas for the day. But with all of those that attended and helped us I do believe we did dad proud and showed him how much he was loved. The whole day and event was a wonderful celebration of Dads life and thank all so much for the time you spared for us prior to the service and also on the day and evening too.
I also want to share Dads poem for those that might want to see it again and also for those that could not make it on the day.
Love the ones you Love by Neil Edwards
Love the ones you love. Don't assume they're fine, because you haven't heard from them in a while. Assume they're not - and call them.
Make sure they know you love them. That can be difficult to say, but tell them, in whatever words, in your funny old way.
Take every chance that comes to do an act of lovingkindness for those who live in your heart. These things are powerful voodoo, because they work for them as well as you.
The only thing we know is true, is that we don't know what's to come. Don't just keep them in your heart. Turn up, and talk, and be with them.
Thank you, dear God, for this good life, and forgive us if we do not love it enough. And forgive us if we forget to love the ones we love.
P.S. Don’t beat yourself up. Even if you do all these things, some of us will slip away.
We are good actors and take great pains to keep you off the scent. It’s nothing you did or failed to do. Don’t beat yourself up.
Is this year nearly over yet! So sadly on Friday 31st January my father sadly passed away in hospital after a short battle with cancer and other complications in his body he was just 73 which feels still so young. He was very ill in his last month of life although it was a pleasure and honour to spend time around him even at this difficult time. I was trying to do a little bit of everything, visit him in hospital, continue to work and also look after myself.
January was a tough month and more so for my Dad than anyone of us. In his time in hospital he also had a bleed on the brain which led to confusion and considerable forgetfulness, which made communication difficult at times. We hoped he could be cured of the diagnosed cancer but also had a considerable fear that this he was dying.
One of the most heartfelt and warm, comforting things Dad has ever said to me was, while he was lying on his hospital bed he said after I told him that I was trying to do a little bit of everything and failing to do them all well. He told me that I had failed at nothing, which was just so beautiful and in his moment of need and support he was their supporting me and making me feel so very proud of him being my Dad.
I was able to let many people know on Facebook that he had passed away and the love and support people have posted has been a huge comfort for which me, mum and Shamen are very grateful for.
Me and his partner Shamen will be meeting with the funeral director tomorrow and we have hopes and plans for what we would like to do for my Dads funeral. Which I will update more information on here as and when it has been planed or taken place.
Our family get together for Christmas 2024 with my Mum, my Dad and my Dad’s partner Shamen – we always try and get together for a Christmas meal as close to Christmas day as possible and this year we all turned up at my mums for a festive meal enjoyed by us all on Christmas day.
It’s strange I started writing this at 4:42am on the Monday 30th December after not much sleep thinking about what Christmas means to me and what the future might hold in 2025. Christmas means different things to different people. Whether it’s a religious festival for the birth of the son of god and your messiah, a chance to have a holiday and relax at a cold and bleak time of the year, a chance to reflect on what just happened in the year that has just taken place and plan or prepare for what might happen in 2025. Or a chance to catch up and spend time with family, for me it’s a mixture of many of those listed above.
I’m thinking alot about the time at the moment, the time we have, times that are special, times that change and when there is no time left at all.
Well its new years eve already tomorrow, doesn’t time just fly
Friday 29th November 2024 would have been my brothers 52nd birthday. I really would not only love to still be able to speak to him but also see how old he would have looked now, I know I have shades of grey in my hair when it grows out I wonder what shades of grey he would have in his hair too now.
If all goes well I will be out catching up with friends this weekend and so would not be able to put this post on my site then. I am sure I could have timed it to come out on his birthday but I prefer to publish posts when I have written them.
When visiting my mum this year we have been discovering slides from the past of her parents and her growing up. There is also a lovely photo we found of her with a young Andy or Andrew as he was called back then.
Lindsay Edwards with her son Andrew Edwards
I just do still wonder what he would be doing know if he was still alive, I still think he would have thrived during the Covid-19 pandemic, he could be insightful, positive, optimistic and funny when you caught him on a good day, of which he had many. So to lose him to himself on a very bad moment is a sad and true tragedy to this day.
I have just tried to add a frame to one of my favourite photos of him and I hope it does him justice. It’s just nice to see him in a very slightly different way. It’s one of my favourite photos of him with the flower painted on him and a happy content look.
Andy Edwards
I also thought it time to take a photo of me too and put a border frame around that too.
Huw Edwards
God bless you Andy I hope you are doing alright where you are and able to look in on us from time to time. Assisting us as best you can with any scrapes we might get into from time to time.
Neil Edwards – Father, Andy Edwards – brother, Lindsay Edwards -Mother
Above photo of when my brother graduated at HMS Raleigh in Cornwall
Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.
Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.
Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-
“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx
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