Category: music

Andy Edwards nearly 9 years since we lost you.

A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.

Andy Edwards my bro

I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.

At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.

A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.

I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.

So sad 9th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.  

I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!

To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.

Hoping for an end to the January Blues

Well this month has been a strange one some nice things happened but some strange emotions and stressful times experienced too and I guess the January blues have just slowly creeped up on me as the month has gone on. I am normally good at providing support to others but not great at receiving support or asking for it myself. I often find it better to write about stress and challenges after the event when I have processed the event and come to terms with it myself.

I had just booked a week off over Christmas which did not feel long enough and then I booked off another week in the 3rd week of January. That was nice and relaxing but felt quite out of my depth when coming back to work, which had got busy and I started back with a very early start after a night of not sleeping well. There were things I had to try and deal with that were stressful and challenging as soon as I walked back through the door into the office. I am hoping that February will bring in a little more calmness, stability and cheer but there will be hard work ahead too.

I get restless sometimes at this time of year and want to try changing things that I don’t think are working or healthy for me.

Ella Grace – Wild Roads

A world in flux

The world is forever changing, for some this presents opportunities and for some it presents threats. It is not just about what is happening but it is about how you perceive it to be happening or how you are informed or misinformed on what is going on.

With increased technological developments taking place as well as a communications network like none ever developed on our planet prior to the last 20 years with the internet, TV and telecommunications.  We can now see, hear and be informed within seconds or minutes of developments on earth that we might never have been informed about or might have possibly only learned about after the event years later in history books or documentaries.

So our means of communicating changes has changed as well. Our climate is also changing, as again to our ability to be informed of those changes. We were not always aware of big earthquakes, volcanoes, storms and hurricanes affecting places around the globe. But now with 24 hour news it’s very much a news filler item to watch the suffering of others around the globe in these horrific condition and not only that but due to global climate chaos they are actually happening more frequently too.

Industrialisation of work force and artificial intelligence developments making AI better than humans at doing jobs we once thought we could do for life? So not only do we have to worry about will we earn enough to be attractive and provide for another partner or family, we now could end up finding that our career passion the job we love doing is ultimately not able to be done by us any more and has been outsourced to a PC or machine of some other type.

So these issues are happening and one main inevitability is that change is constant and continuous, you cannot stop change from happening but you can engage to what is changing and reflect on it, accommodate it, do your best to manage it in your life or try to understand it and how it effects you.

One way I get my head around understanding changes going on in the political world is by supporting and advocating for changes I want to see by joining a political party such as the Green Party, or becoming a member of a charity such as Moor Trees. Though my contributions may be small in the scheme of things, they still matter and contributing to a bigger picture for potential positive change in a way I would like the world around me to be shaped. Change is not always negative and great and beautiful things do come into this world when changes are able to be made and realised.

Another way to perhaps be aware of change and understand how it affects you is to read, listen and watch news articles and stories. Though not always a pleasant thing to do and best not to put your interpretations all into one basket of news sources but to take from a variety of sources. The newspaper review on BBC news or UK Sky (Not Murdock owned or dictated to news) can be informative when they discuss the next days headlines with some interpretations of what those headlines are. I tend to find the more you just listen to one persons perspective though the more chance you have of being misinformed, manipulated or indoctrinated into another’s view when its far more important to try and think for yourself.

One final little point is regarding if the world is changing for better or worse are we at the end of time? Or the end of days or is an apocalypse around our corner. Well I hope not but again that’s just a matter of opinion. People have feared, expected or written about living in the end of days, a war that will end all war or Armageddon being around the corner for thousands of years in religious circles and I can only assume if you believe in a certain deity then you have also had to be prepared that it’s only a matter of time before they call last orders at the global bar and closing time on all earth, man and existence as we know it. If you don’t believe in said god then you will alternatively think that’s an impossibility of a God that does not exist to call time on something that they have no power over because they are not here to do it! Finally on this point about whether we could be entering a time of growth, goodness, fear or darkness.

Well I don’t believe in a god that could destroy its own creation as a promise it made to its people. I don’t believe in a god that puts some people on the side of being good people due to where or who they were born from or came from and others on the side of evil due to where they were born or who they were born from or came from. I really just don’t accept that the god I pray to, believe in or work for and live by could be so narrow minded! The god I believe in is not fighting for Armageddon against an inherent enemy but fighting for justice for all of life and creation.

White Shadow by Coldplay

Planning to be in Ireland for St Patrick’s Day 2024

Between Christmas and New Year 2023 to 2024, me and my Dad made a decision to to go back to Ireland in 2024. I am so excited about the idea of going over there again. We have been on Holiday to Ireland in 2018 and 2019. Goodness those dates seem such a long time ago now and the two trips somehow have blended into one in my mind and some of the memories from those trips still feel like they happened just yesterday.

When we went to Ireland on our two journeys in the past we planned our holidays around horse race meetings and went to 3 different race courses which were Leopardstown, Tipperary and Tremor we were also supposed to go to a race course called Gowran Park but it was raining so much we never made it to the race course. When we went to Leopardstown we also ended up seeing one of my all time favourite bands playing at the race course who are called the Waterboys and they sang one of my favourite songs ‘Whole of the Moon’ on a moonlit night too which was just awesome.

Galway City – Ireland

This time when we go we are planning on being in Galway for St Patrick’s day which will just be magical. I am so excited about this, I just hope we can pull it off and go. The accommodation is already booked and the places we will be staying in look awesome, passports are also hopefully sorted now and we just need to make sure we can book our ferry over from Pembroke dock to Rosslare (and also hope the weather is good enough to allow us to travel across by Ferry from Wales to Southern Ireland! We plan to spend a few days in Dublin too where we will fly back to Exeter.

The trip this time around so far is all planned around the destinations were going to and the accommodation were staying in. No horse racing meetings to go to in Ireland for us this time although it just so happens that the biggest race meeting of the year is taking place in the UK which is called the Cheltenham Gold Cup, so we will be keeping an eye on that from wherever we are in Ireland.

Once we have got the ferry to Ireland we will head to Wexford which we have both really like and have stayed in before. After that we will then head to Cork where my Dad’s side of the family are from originally. Dad has never been to Cork but spoke about wanting to go there for years so it will be a really special place to visit and I have reserved a lovely hotel in the centre of Cork.

Maldron Hotel – Cork

We will then head to Limerick before arriving to Galway for St Patricks day. Finally head to Dublin to spend at least one night in the Temple Bar Inn Which I still have not worked out yet if it is next door to the Temple Bar pub in Dublin or whether it is actually the Temple Bar Pub in Dublin, I guess I will find out when we get there and then from Dublin we will catch a flight back home to Exeter.

Temple Bar – Dublin

I must absolutely promise myself to try and get some photos of where we are going to this time. I have taken so few photos of Ireland from my visits in the past and so really want to try and get some photos this time.

Fisherman’s Blues – The Waterboys

Welcome to the matrix

Do you ever feel like the world that we live in is not as it should be?

A world not as advanced, kind and caring for you as you think it should aspire to be?

Do you ever feel you should be more appreciative of what you have and yet you are more disappointed in what you don’t have?

Grateful for the roof over your head and the food in your belly, but somehow hoping and expecting more out of life?

Do you ever feel like though your little bubble is safe, calm and relatively sane but it could be burst within a second and lead you to despair?

A bubble that though looks secure, good even inviting to others that could be burst quite easily if you do or say the wrong thing, lose a job or house or friend?

Do you ever feel like you strive and fight hard for what you already have and expect little more in return?

Well welcome to the matrix of reality, the machine of human existence, endurance and evolution. The lifeline and fire blanket of existence that tries to keeps you out of harm’s way and helps you feel relatively safe where you are with what you have.

With the threat or reality of your current situation in life being taken away from you or pulled from under your feet and the severe consequences that that might have for you and your loved ones meaning you will fight hard to keep your little piece of existence in place.    

I started to write this thinking why do we not confront the matrix of reality that we live in and strive harder to change what we have or to demand there must be more.

But now weirdly for me this has turned into an opposite line of thought and argument on why we strive not to confront the matrix of reality and aspire instead to find contentment in what we have and acceptance in who we are and what we do.

It seems more often the not even just the little that we have is often too much to lose!

Nick Drake – ‘Cello Song

Twas the 12th night before Christmas

So it is 12 nights before Christmas day, lots going on in Exeter with the build up to Christmas we are having a ‘Christmas breakfast’ tomorrow for work colleagues, rather than an organised Christmas night out, I think the boss is afraid to meet up with too many staff that have had too many drinks in case they have a go at him, so he’s chickened out of allowing us to have a Christmas staff night out this year.

The world has some potential good news for a change and a little unexpected too with nations at COP28 the UN climate summit agreeing for the first time to take explicit aim at the use of fossil fuels. The talks in Dubai came close to collapse but in a dramatic turn-around, nations agreed to “transition away” from coal, oil and gas.

But my mood for the night is one of contemplation for the past, present and future. Sorry to be brief but sometimes a much needed mulching over of my minds view, thoughts and feelings are much needed and this just so happens to be one of those times.

Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence

Friend’s digital meltdowns

Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting  messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.

I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)

My Bro Andy

It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.

Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.

Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way.  Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.

Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.

Mumford and Sons – Awake my Soul

At age 47 and ¼ I bought my first bookcase last week

Yep it’s true on the plus side I am one more step closer to being an adult and on the downside it’s err true I am one more step closer to being an adult.

I must admit my collection of books is and has always been very eclectic mix for example I have a book of poems from a great local Exeter Poet called Steve Carnell – who a while back used to do the open mic circuit and read out his awesome poems on great drunken lad’s nights out he is an awesome guy and once close friend –but as times move on so did he.

Book of Poems called the 23rd Mojo by Steve Carnell

The next wonderful human that I know or knew who wrote another awesome book is the lovely Barbara Haddrill – She wrote an eco travel book called Babs to Brisbane about her eco travel to of all places Brisbane in order to be a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding. Babs is such a wonderful talented and inspirational person.

Babs to Brisbane by Barbara Haddrill

My next book is not by someone I know but I think the front cover title changed and influenced my entire life from the day that I read it to this. It’s called ‘The only planet of choice’ – it’s at the very least a mind opening spiritual and philosophical fantasy concerning the evolution of earth, you, me and the universe – the choices that we make and how they impact on everyone and everything and ripple through time and space and at most it is something so much more than that!

My next book was a gift from my mum to make my book collection look a little more sensible and again adult like. It’s called RSPB Handbook of British Birds. I found it very handy when trying to identify the birds along my street and on my bird table during lockdown back in the old days of covid lockdown times.

My fiaal book that I am showing is a dream dictionary and I have a few of these but this is by far my favourite one which is by Russell Grant and is his Illustrated Dream Dictionary. I’m on my second copy of this book now as the first fell apart from me waking up too many times in the middle of the night and grabbing it and quickly trying to see what it thought about my dreams and then chucking it back on the floor when I had finished and went back to sleep. To this day I swear I am not sure if one of those darn dreams or nightmares has come true yet! But it was always interesting to read the interpretation and Russell Grant always put a positive spin on dreams and nightmares’ which from an early age I have found comforting.

Oh well onwards and upwards. Well speaking of onwards and upwards or flashing outwards with less brightness I think my TV might be on the blink and the back light might be about to give out – looks like another adult purchase might be on the cards – oh bugger, TV Don’t go dark on me just yet.

Distance, Light & Sky – Don’t Go Dark On Me 

Arcadian Refugee – the search for a new drinking hole continues!

I have stopped watching a lot of the main national and international news stories at present as not able to stomach the reality of Gazan civilians being killed or Trump being re-elected as US president. I am also still mindful  of posting views that might offend too. I sometimes don’t mind throwing in the odd social commentary hand grenade into a conversation or blog post but it has to have purpose and not just explode in someone’s mind for sheer effect.

As mentioned a while back my local favourite pub called the Arcade closed and I and a few other people are still looking for a local drinking hole to be accepted in that we feel comfortable to hang around in. There is a pub called the Ship in the centre of Town which is great in its own way but due to its location for Tourists and locals gets very busy, which can be nice some of the time but not all the time. They have a karaoke night there too but normally so busy I can only get up and sing one song and I get so nervous singing there that it’s not really enjoyable doing it anyway.  

So I am hoping to try another bar called The Bishop Blaize this Friday and see what that is like they also do a karaoke night there too (are you seeing there is a pattern forming of places to go to here!)

I never thought the art of finding the perfect pub could be so difficult. There are so many things to take into consideration. Such as the location, price of drinks, types of drinks, the locals that drink there and whether they are friendly or whether there are too many or not enough of them, what music they play and what nights they put on and when and also whether you can smoke there and where you can smoke (not that I do smoke, but some of my friends still do).

I grew up in a village where the pub had been running for over 100 years and it was great fun there too. But now that I live in a city (a small city at that) you get to choose where you want to spend your hard earned cash. Though having lots of choice does not make that choice any easier and with all the competition lots of pubs come and go!

I try and only venture out to the pub once a week these days as I have diabetes and need to take tablets each evening after a meal which I don’t think would go down well with beer or at least not well with lots of beers. After an annual review in October my doctor said that I needed to double the dosage of my diabetes medication which was only one tablet a day to two now which I think is better than having to have an injection of insulin each day.

But I am mindful not to drink too much or skip taking the medication. When I had my diabetes review I at first heard that my weight had stayed the same over the last 12 months (and it’s a relief not to have put weight on, for sure). But finding out my blood sugars had gone up and my body was even worse at breaking down sugars was a real disappointment as this had previously been going well for the last few years.

So back to the beer sellers and my search for a new watering hole continues and its quality of a night out now over quantity of nights out. The search for the next best bar in Exeter continues.

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping

Gaza City on life support

the Israel government has chosen to turn the power off on that life support, which will result in many innocent people in their hospitals beds in Gaza City having nowhere to be moved to or treated plugged into machines that no longer work. Still preparing for a ground invasion which might well have started by the time this post has been read or is up on my site.

At least 1,400 people are now believed to have died in the massacre committed by Hamas and so many tears and lives have been shed on both sides of this week’s war. A Terrorist organisation or a counties government that have a strong will and desire, capability and capacity to kill the innocent in any place and on any side should be fought against and stopped at every turn.

The backing and following of international humanitarian norms and rights has in many ways helped save lives and to a greater extent keep the peace. But conflicts do continue to flare up across the globe and get out of control from time to time and human rights and right to life are side stepped or disregarded completely.

Some current global views around the world seem to imply that human rights are no longer important to them or atrocities are acceptable so long as your side is the only side commuting them and that you can get away with that and not be inflicted back on their side. Also the view that might is right and if you can kill an enemy then they are no longer get back up to defend themselves or come back and do worse to their enemies.  

But how many innocent lives on one side of a boarder justify the killing of innocent lives on the other side of that boarder. With all is going on, the fear for many is where will it all end and when, how much of a price will be paid by people for the actions of those in power with guns and bombs, that making the decisions on either side to choose to end the lives of the innocent as a politically calculated policy in order to move their cause further down a bloody corpse scattered road.

The First World War started in August 1914. It would last for more than four years, and kill about nine million people in uniform. In the same time period the war and other violent conflicts would kill an estimated twenty million civilians. The world would never be the same. World War II was the largest and most violent military conflict in human history. Official casualty sources estimate battle deaths at nearly 15 million military personnel and civilian deaths at over 38 million.

Hostile and dangerous events and action can spin out of control and lead to greater conflict and suffering within the blink of an eye. Israel does have a right to defend itself but what about the rights of Palestinian citizens to life. With Israel openly stating its mission to eradicate a terrorist group and its members who live within Gaza and amongst the people of Gaza, we will have to wait and see who Israel is prepared to kill and how those killings are going to take place and what impact this has on shaping of the region and globe.

U2 – Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own