Category: Mental Health

Gaza is not a warzone it’s a one sided slaughter!

Countries take great pride in their military, revel in their fallen comrades and thank those that still serve in the forces. Or it’s all grist to the mill. (Grist is the corn that is brought to the mill to be ground into flour. In the days when farmers took ‘grist to the mill’ the phrase would have meant “everything can be made useful, or be a source of profit.”

As soon as you join the military you are taught of the honour and sacrifice of those that went before you. Your not just taught how to kill but you’re taught that when your side goes to war, your going in on the right side, so that when push comes to shove you don’t doubt, you don’t hesitate and most of all you are an effective killer of the other side.

One of the latest atrocities committed by Israel is to completely destroy and decoltate the main hospital in Gaza inthe name of killing terrorists’ sadly the citizens living around the hospital or getting treatment in the hospital are not just collateral damage but grist for the mill(itary machine). I have recently been visiting our local Royal Devon and Exeter hospital in Exeter due to one of my relatives being considerably ill, his National Health Service treatment has been first class and is truly giving him more than a fighting chance of a good recovery and life, but imagine living in gaze and having the al-Shifa hospital in Gaza as your main hospital it just doesn’t bare thinking about.

al-Shifa hospital in Gaza or what’s left of it

If you wanted to target a people and not a source of terrorism you would destroy their medical facilities, stop there means of being fed, watered and destroy over 50% of the building’s with their country which you control, this is still not a war it’s genocide.

Israel might be the one pulling the trigger and dropping the bombs but it is countries like mine and the US that are continuing to supply guns, bombs and F 16 planes.

Israel also needs to insure it tells its own people what it wants them to hear and so with this in mind, the Israeli parliament has approved a law giving the government the power to ban broadcasts of TV channels including Al Jazeera, the Qatari-owned network.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he would “act immediately” to close the network’s local office.

The US expressed concern over the move.

What is the point of expressing concerns when you are adding fuel to the fire by supplying the petrol that is then set alight by Netanyahu. Its like handing a box of matches to a child and saying these are those wooden sticks I told you not to play with and when they start to throw those lit matches about rather than taking the matches of a child just express concern and hand them more matches.

💕Goodnight sweetheart 💕

Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.  

Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.

Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-

“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she 🙂basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx

Damien Rice – the Blower’s daughter

So Spring has sprung

Now in March I hope that spring brings green shoots of optimism and a little bit of budding of new and fresh positivity like from the first sighting of snowdrops to blue bells in fields of raw emotion in woodlands of ages past. Where hope spring eternal and I am pleased to hope that a little bit more of a positive attitude and things to believe in are finally here.

Though life does not unfold like a story written in a book, often enough with chapters of trials leading to happy endings. We still interpret what is happening and write it down to share as if it were a story or as though we have a tale to tell.

One thing I am grateful to discover and am seeing alot at the moment is the value of friendships, in work, within family, at home and socially too from talking , texting, meeting and greeting and sharing moments too.

That lift you up too!

People really have shown compassion, strength of belief in me and support in a way I sometimes don’t expect. Or I sometimes expect to have to cope alone in life or on my own without the support of others, where as in reality to have that support of a call or text at a certain time or a shared drink in a bar or cheering of a song I have sung and assistance with a task in work are all very much valued moments in time which are very much appreciated.  

A rare last min photo of me, late night and scruffy but well its been taken now!

I am very much normally expect to rely on myself, but I have had a number of people remind me that I don’t need to do this all the time and that is comforting to see hear and know. As you get older you might think in some ways you are more alone but I feel if you give life and people a chance and reach out to others there is a chance that they will reach back to you too.  

Fast Changes by Seal

Andy Edwards nearly 9 years since we lost you.

A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.

Andy Edwards my bro

I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.

At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.

A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.

I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.

So sad 9th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.  

I have mentioned this song before its The Killers – All the Things I’ve Done!

To me I’m singing my little heart out about my brother asking God to let him in to Heaven – He’s got soul and he was a soldier, god bless you Andy hope you are doing well where every your spirit is.

Feb-Stress-you-very

Or February as some others like to call it

I feel like my body and soul was so eager to jump out of January, whilst not exactly sure what I was jumping into with February coming right up. I felt a little like my mind was racing and could more easily get stressed or snap at people and when you start researching stuff on google about issues such as why am I feeling stressed this time of year? Or why can I sleep like a hibernating bear and still feel tired? Or any other form of googling about negative emotions and this time of year then well to be fair your goner make yourself probably feel worse, a little informed perhaps but generally a lot worse too in the short term.

Although one good tip that I picked up from a colleague in work (and on err google) is that due to the ongoing lack of sunlight and lack of vitamin D in the body it can increase in seasonal affective disorder or SAD making you more tired, stressed and feeling flat or depressed. So I was recommended to and started to take some vitamin tablets and through either actually helping me or even just feeling better from trying to make some positive changes I am feeling less stressed and brain is racing around less.

I did not go out to a bar last weekend either a lot of my friends were going to a karaoke night and it’s quite busy and I feel a little uncomfortable getting up and singing there. So I did not go, it’s weird putting your name down their to sign on to sing feels like getting up and working there sometimes, as its a bit mad busy and hectic for me.

On the good news front though our wonderful landlord of the now shut Exeter Arcade is trying very hard to plan the opening of his as yet location not announced or revealed third bar. God bless him and all that drink at his future venue (when it finally opens). I have also booked a ferry, trains, a plane and automobile tickets for a visit to Ireland with my Dad which will be very exciting trip in March, to be sure, to be sure!

Lord Huron – Not Dead Yet

Hoping for an end to the January Blues

Well this month has been a strange one some nice things happened but some strange emotions and stressful times experienced too and I guess the January blues have just slowly creeped up on me as the month has gone on. I am normally good at providing support to others but not great at receiving support or asking for it myself. I often find it better to write about stress and challenges after the event when I have processed the event and come to terms with it myself.

I had just booked a week off over Christmas which did not feel long enough and then I booked off another week in the 3rd week of January. That was nice and relaxing but felt quite out of my depth when coming back to work, which had got busy and I started back with a very early start after a night of not sleeping well. There were things I had to try and deal with that were stressful and challenging as soon as I walked back through the door into the office. I am hoping that February will bring in a little more calmness, stability and cheer but there will be hard work ahead too.

I get restless sometimes at this time of year and want to try changing things that I don’t think are working or healthy for me.

Ella Grace – Wild Roads

The gifts of 2023 & the hopes for 2024

This year has been kind of special for me with some good things happened in my life and I have found time and moments to appreciate the good things and not focus or live within the dark or negative side of what has and is happening having this type of focus has been a real plus for me.

I feel like I am a person that I in fact feel comfortable being! I am happy with my lot, I have some good friends that I know and respect and I hope they know and respect me. They help me when they can and I help them when I can too.

I have a good relationship with my mum and dad since my mother has moved back to Devon, we always try and catch up in person about once a fortnight, I feared this would tire me out as I normally enjoy sleeping on the weekends rather than going to other peoples homes, but going to my mums has worked out really well.  

This year I have seen that I am no saint and I’m not perfect and don’t beat myself up about this as nobody that I have met or got to know in life is, we all have our little quirks and imperfections, but we also can bring much joy to others and help or at least not hinder others when we can.

Sometimes when you have an understanding of what your weakness are you can always appreciate a weakness as a characteristic of yourself and maybe turn it into a strength. Although at the same time not be over confident in your own strengths or be aware of the good and bad you have the power to do. This year I have tried to embrace change as change is the one constant in anyone’s life and in a relatively good person year I have tried to aim to be optimistic concerning pessimistic times.

I do have conflicting emotions on life and my little place in the universe on the one hand I know the world is a cruel place and dark things happen on this planet and for the foreseeable future global actions and consequences shall continue to chip a little or lot more away from the world and the people upon it.

But within all that exists in places and with people that I cannot change in ways I can neither foresee nor prevent, I must still focus on the things that I can influence and that influence me, the people that I can help (including myself) and do the best I can with the time that is given.

A belated Happy 2023 and Happy New Year 2024 to you.    

The Parting Glass – Cara Dillon

Welcome to the matrix

Do you ever feel like the world that we live in is not as it should be?

A world not as advanced, kind and caring for you as you think it should aspire to be?

Do you ever feel you should be more appreciative of what you have and yet you are more disappointed in what you don’t have?

Grateful for the roof over your head and the food in your belly, but somehow hoping and expecting more out of life?

Do you ever feel like though your little bubble is safe, calm and relatively sane but it could be burst within a second and lead you to despair?

A bubble that though looks secure, good even inviting to others that could be burst quite easily if you do or say the wrong thing, lose a job or house or friend?

Do you ever feel like you strive and fight hard for what you already have and expect little more in return?

Well welcome to the matrix of reality, the machine of human existence, endurance and evolution. The lifeline and fire blanket of existence that tries to keeps you out of harm’s way and helps you feel relatively safe where you are with what you have.

With the threat or reality of your current situation in life being taken away from you or pulled from under your feet and the severe consequences that that might have for you and your loved ones meaning you will fight hard to keep your little piece of existence in place.    

I started to write this thinking why do we not confront the matrix of reality that we live in and strive harder to change what we have or to demand there must be more.

But now weirdly for me this has turned into an opposite line of thought and argument on why we strive not to confront the matrix of reality and aspire instead to find contentment in what we have and acceptance in who we are and what we do.

It seems more often the not even just the little that we have is often too much to lose!

Nick Drake – ‘Cello Song

Friend’s digital meltdowns

Well not a cheery title but I am struggling to know how else to express the view I wish to share. There are a number of friends that have been in crisis this year and in order to express themselves and communicate in these situations post messages on social media (mostly on Facebook, posting  messages such as “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore” or “Tell my family that I love them” with out further clarifications on why they are stating this leading to other friends then having to chase them around social media asking them what is going on or providing them with reassurance or trying to prevent a potential suicide.

I find these crisis messages deeply distressing having lost my brother, an aunt and nearly a cousin all to suicide, if I can help someone face to face, I will but I just don’t know how to react to Facebook messages with people expressing hurt, anger and pain while in crisis. Some people do it so often to them it’s just a form of communication which is very confusing and worrying. I assume some people like to let off steam and express anger and frustration online (and that’s what I am doing right now!)

My Bro Andy

It would have been my brothers 51st birthday this Wednesday 29th November and having lost him, he has left a huge hole in many people’s lives and left an imprint of both pain and joy on many a good soul. When other’s are prepared to hurt themselves an their own family and friends the way my brothers suicide hurt us, I do wonder if they have a lack of insight on the pain that their death will cause others and also a lack of insight into the benefits of living not just for one self but in order to help and be of assistance to others too.

Trying to commit suicide, threatening to kill yourself or sadly succeeding in committing suicide are all irreparably damaging decisions and acts that have a serious consequences on you and all those that know and love you, which if done can never be taken back.

Surely if there is an obstacle in your life you can either break it down, move it out the way or if too big to move you turn change direction and go another way.  Nobody said life will or should be easy but it is still worth living and having an experience within.

Life can and does get hard at times but life and the people within this life are also amazingly beautiful. I think we all underestimate our own inner and outer beauty that others see in us and also the amount that we are loved. If we knew just how beautiful and loved the world and our friends and family feel to us from having each other in our lives then we might not need to put all that we are and have at risk and threaten to ourselves and others of the need to take that beauty and love away.

Mumford and Sons – Awake my Soul

At age 47 and ¼ I bought my first bookcase last week

Yep it’s true on the plus side I am one more step closer to being an adult and on the downside it’s err true I am one more step closer to being an adult.

I must admit my collection of books is and has always been very eclectic mix for example I have a book of poems from a great local Exeter Poet called Steve Carnell – who a while back used to do the open mic circuit and read out his awesome poems on great drunken lad’s nights out he is an awesome guy and once close friend –but as times move on so did he.

Book of Poems called the 23rd Mojo by Steve Carnell

The next wonderful human that I know or knew who wrote another awesome book is the lovely Barbara Haddrill – She wrote an eco travel book called Babs to Brisbane about her eco travel to of all places Brisbane in order to be a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding. Babs is such a wonderful talented and inspirational person.

Babs to Brisbane by Barbara Haddrill

My next book is not by someone I know but I think the front cover title changed and influenced my entire life from the day that I read it to this. It’s called ‘The only planet of choice’ – it’s at the very least a mind opening spiritual and philosophical fantasy concerning the evolution of earth, you, me and the universe – the choices that we make and how they impact on everyone and everything and ripple through time and space and at most it is something so much more than that!

My next book was a gift from my mum to make my book collection look a little more sensible and again adult like. It’s called RSPB Handbook of British Birds. I found it very handy when trying to identify the birds along my street and on my bird table during lockdown back in the old days of covid lockdown times.

My fiaal book that I am showing is a dream dictionary and I have a few of these but this is by far my favourite one which is by Russell Grant and is his Illustrated Dream Dictionary. I’m on my second copy of this book now as the first fell apart from me waking up too many times in the middle of the night and grabbing it and quickly trying to see what it thought about my dreams and then chucking it back on the floor when I had finished and went back to sleep. To this day I swear I am not sure if one of those darn dreams or nightmares has come true yet! But it was always interesting to read the interpretation and Russell Grant always put a positive spin on dreams and nightmares’ which from an early age I have found comforting.

Oh well onwards and upwards. Well speaking of onwards and upwards or flashing outwards with less brightness I think my TV might be on the blink and the back light might be about to give out – looks like another adult purchase might be on the cards – oh bugger, TV Don’t go dark on me just yet.

Distance, Light & Sky – Don’t Go Dark On Me