Trump a successful misogynist who is now president-elect and leader of the free world in waiting, after beating two women at the ballot box.
We not only get the leaders that we vote for, we get the leaders that we deserve.
We live on a dysfunctional planet where you could ask 100 people what makes a perfect world and you would get 100 different answers. One man’s version of heaven is another’s living hell.
The Source Ft. Candi Station, You Got The Love – 1991
Nobody knows what is going to happen after the US election!
Most people know who they are going to vote for and why.
Nobody knows what the electorate will look like.
Most people know what they want to happen after the US election.
Nobody knows just yet how it will play out.
What happens tomorrow night will send a shock wave down the ages no matter what is the result that will happen.
Will America still be a functioning democracy if Donald Trump or Kamala Harris wins?
Will your world be a safer place if Donald Trump or Kamala Harris are elected?
May god bless us everyone.
Yes that’s me, the one you give the jobs no one else wants to do to. The one that smiles at the challenge and appreciates the results of their own work, even if no one else does.
Well I ran into the milestone of being 48 years old, last month amazed that I got here with not too many regrets and still some joy and happiness and a definite zest for life. But it’s also another year of working for the man. My job role sounds almost exciting as a Projects and Support Officer but make no mistake about it, I was chosen in my interview and undertake the role on a daily basis of an office admin bitch extraordinaire. I answer phone calls into our department, I speak to people about a huge range of issues sometimes nothing to do with my job, but I quickly google their issue and give them the number for someone else that can help if needed, I respond to emails I make sure the bills get paid and other essential but low grade office stuff that keeps the wheels of the business turning.
We have been informed and seen in other organisations the shutting of phone lines and streamlining of emails on a straight to a database email system rather than to a person first and with no one there to answer phone calls coming into a department in the office anymore my days appear numbered in the job I do and enjoy. I have been in my current job for 4 years from July and I would be ready to move on if there were any where for an admin bitch roles to move onto but sadly my days and skills appear at present to not be in demand.
Don’t get me wrong I’m busy I get results and work hard in my job it’s just that managers and those above them have decided my role will no longer be needed in the future and even though I am busy as ever their eyeing up those P45 exit papers for me and people like me. It’s not like the work wont still need to be done when I am gone they will just either hire someone after me to do the job cheaper or get in someone with a degree and pay them the same or more than me and call it a career.
In my present admin role over the last 18 months our office manager resigned due to ill health and we have been doing a considerable amount of her work since she left, when one of us now has holiday the other person does a hell of a lot in order to just keep things ticking over, its a bit of a nightmare. It has been to a point though a fantastic work experience and an opportunity to develop my admin/project/finance skills even more though. But they see our ability not to fail as almost a failure in itself. We have been pleading for extra support and a decision on what happens to admin bods in the office like me. That decision has been made in that are roles are up for redundancy and we might be up for redundancy too, if we don’t play our cards right and even if we do play our cards right we could still find ourselves out of a job – catch 22 situation, we will make you redundant because your job is to important to be done by you or not important enough to be done by you any longer. We will tell you which we decide when we hand you your departure papers.
To be continued or to be discontinued!
Distance, Light & Sky – Don’t Go Dark On Me (Official Video)
July 9th 2010 is a date that comes up on my computer pictures timeline for a wonderful visit from Portsmouth to the Island of Alderney on a tall ship no less when I was 34 some 14 years ago now.
Alderney is the northernmost of the inhabited Channel Islands. It is part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey, a British Crown dependency. It is 3 miles long and 1+1⁄2 miles wide. The island’s area is 3 square miles, making it the third-largest island of the Channel Islands, and the second largest in the Bailiwick.
I was staying in supported accommodation in Chepstow in South Wales at the time of the trip to Alderney, after having come out of a hospital stay, due to struggling with my mental health back then. Though I am pleased to say that that was the last time I spent time in hospital due to my mental health and had I not been staying in accommodation in Chepstow I would never have been invited to sail on the ship.
I was well on the way to recovery when this trip to Alderney took place and it really was a great adventure and a real privilege to go there on the working tall ship. I have just spent the last two hours trying to work out the name of the charity that we sailed with and also the name of the boat. Which I am pleased to say I found out eventually.
It turns out the boat is called as already mentioned in the title the Queen Galadriel and was originally built in 1937 in Svenborg, Denmark and was named Else first after the Captain’s daughter. She traded as a cargo vessel around the coasts of Denmark and Norway, initially as a motor sailor but after 1956 under motor alone. In 1983, she was bought by The Cirdan Sailing Trust and went into service, renamed the Queen Galadriel. The Ciridan Saling trust still run her today and groups or individuals can still pay to go on trips with her.
Back in 2010 the weather was stunning when we sailed out to Alderney, really hot, but with a cool breeze on the ship so you did not really feel the heat too much when sailing. Alderney was such a lovely place to visit also, with the beaches there being really special as well.
To mutter to speak quietly and in a voice that is not easy to hear, often when you are anxious or complaining about something: He muttered to himself as he walked or I heard him mutter something.
A week from tonight our polling stations where people vote will be closing about now and the councils will begin the count to determine which MPs are local neighbourhoods, towns and cities decide to elect and send to parliament. When I was 18 I studied Public Policy at Southampton Institute, I had learning difficulties and it was the first place I got offered that offered a course I really wanted to study.
It involved the study of UK contemporary Politics, Economics, Sociology and Constitutional Law. The course gave me a good understanding of and an ability to interpret political views and issues, while developing my own views and perspectives on politics too.
Sadly though due to a serious mental health issue and drug addiction I only lasted on the course for about 18 months then crashed and burned. But in that time and to this day it gave me a good understanding of learning – not just about the power of education the importance of politics and breaking down concepts and rebuilding them back up again in my mind. But also the addictive and damage nature of illegal drugs the limits and fragility of my mental health and mind.
After some real life altering choices which I mainly had to force upon myself due to the sad truth of the fact that for me illegal hallucinogenic drugs and any forms of cannabis are just seriously damaging to my mental health and an absolute no go zone for me and my head. From the age of about 16 up to about the age of 25 I still did not realise or believe the damage that certain illegal drugs could do to me ,I just did not want to accept it. I don’t advocate abstention for everyone and think many forms of drugs should be licensed or legally controlled not simply banned. But just as an alcoholic should not touch a whisky, I should not touch hallucinogens or cannabis due to the impacts on my mental health and life.
I have a form of mental health condition which means I have been on a form of medication that prevents or dampens down hallucinations’ for over probably 20 years or more now. The form I am on at the moment works really well for me and keeps me balanced and well enough to hold down a job and function having only had a few blips in my mental health road over the years and managed to stay on track with my life, job and home.
When I occasionally have, for want of a better word had a mental hiccup I have had enough incite to know what was going on and to ask for help and hold on for dear life and look after myself and all I am and have as best as I could until things calmed down and imporved. But saying all that if I knew what triggered these mental health incidents then I can’t promise I would try to do those things that increase the risk of them not happening again.
You still must live your life because you are still alive you can’t completely block yourself of from the things that you fear or hurt you in the outside world. To experience life is to experience a range and spectrum of emotions and experiences some positive and sadly some at times negative. The only constant that seems to appear in life is change and those that best adapt and act on that change are the ones that tend to survive and thrive.
Countries take great pride in their military, revel in their fallen comrades and thank those that still serve in the forces. Or it’s all grist to the mill. (Grist is the corn that is brought to the mill to be ground into flour. In the days when farmers took ‘grist to the mill’ the phrase would have meant “everything can be made useful, or be a source of profit.”
As soon as you join the military you are taught of the honour and sacrifice of those that went before you. Your not just taught how to kill but you’re taught that when your side goes to war, your going in on the right side, so that when push comes to shove you don’t doubt, you don’t hesitate and most of all you are an effective killer of the other side.
One of the latest atrocities committed by Israel is to completely destroy and decoltate the main hospital in Gaza inthe name of killing terrorists’ sadly the citizens living around the hospital or getting treatment in the hospital are not just collateral damage but grist for the mill(itary machine). I have recently been visiting our local Royal Devon and Exeter hospital in Exeter due to one of my relatives being considerably ill, his National Health Service treatment has been first class and is truly giving him more than a fighting chance of a good recovery and life, but imagine living in gaze and having the al-Shifa hospital in Gaza as your main hospital it just doesn’t bare thinking about.
If you wanted to target a people and not a source of terrorism you would destroy their medical facilities, stop there means of being fed, watered and destroy over 50% of the building’s with their country which you control, this is still not a war it’s genocide.
Israel might be the one pulling the trigger and dropping the bombs but it is countries like mine and the US that are continuing to supply guns, bombs and F 16 planes.
Israel also needs to insure it tells its own people what it wants them to hear and so with this in mind, the Israeli parliament has approved a law giving the government the power to ban broadcasts of TV channels including Al Jazeera, the Qatari-owned network.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he would “act immediately” to close the network’s local office.
The US expressed concern over the move.
What is the point of expressing concerns when you are adding fuel to the fire by supplying the petrol that is then set alight by Netanyahu. Its like handing a box of matches to a child and saying these are those wooden sticks I told you not to play with and when they start to throw those lit matches about rather than taking the matches of a child just express concern and hand them more matches.
Back from Ireland now after a wonderful holiday, I heard some news about a former partner that passed away while I was on a train in Ireland from Galway to Dublin. Her name is Marianne Morgans or Max and she died at the young age of 43. We were close and I last heard from her on the 29th February 2024 when she sent me a lovely message telling me to take care of myself. She would always think of others before herself and had such a loving and good spirit.
Below is a partial cut of her last message she posted to me through messenger on the 29th February 2024, it shows a great deal about her spirit and love for others I don’t know if she was trying to help and guide me before she passed, talking about my mental health, my brother and the love and support she appreaicated from my family.
Part of Max’s last message sent to is below sent on 29th February 2024 at 1:39am:-
“I remember when you were in Wales, calling me in the middle of the night extremely unwell, confused and scared. And I remember feeling honoured it was me you called. So I knew you were still in there somewhere, trying to get out) You’ve come so far since then. I know you’ve had relapses, and I know you fight every day to keep level. That’s bloody brave! Don’t forget that. The easy way is to not bother with your meds, and let it take over you. But you don’t… you do all you can to stay well! Be proud of yourself! I remember after we broke up, and I was a little heartbroken still, bumping into Andy in the Wheelers, and him saying how impressed he was with you. How it couldn’t be easy as you couldn’t do all the shit he did at your age ( hello recreational party drugs or Colombian marching powder lol) But most of all, how adult and matter of fact you were about it. Or at least that’s what you showed on the outside. He had allot of love for you. Like you did him. I think he looked up to you just as much as you looked up to him. I was a little jealous that you had such an amazing relationship with your sibling and your mum and dad. You’re so much like them both, as caring as your mum, and as funny as your dad. Plus lots of other good things. I actually don’t think you have a bad bone in your body! Unlike me….. you’d be hard pressed to find anything in me that isn’t an asshole lol. I don’t mind, I quite like being an asshole. It means the people who aren’t worth it, or are users piss off fast, and the people who see though my assholeness and stick around, are the best sort of people. There aren’t many, and you’re definitely one of them . You don’t tolerate my bullshit and can see the real me…… which is vulnerable in some aspects. I don’t like people seeing that, as they try to take advantage… some manage it. I just wish you’d bloody tell me when you’re struggling. Because you told me years ago what sort of things happen to you when you’re spiralling , and when you’re in full blown psychosis. It doesn’t frighten me, or makes me think less of you. In fact, I think more of you because you’re reaching out… that means you’re asking for help even if you don’t realise it at the time. Please send my love to Mr E. your parents were the first parents to not look at me like trash. Treat me well even though I was poor as fuck. They didn’t care. I’ve tried to be a bit like Mrs E. poverty is the normal down here. Allot of parents numb themselves on the money they get for their kids …..( and that’s not a judgement… it’s a sad reality and it isn’t their fault. Being poor and not knowing how you’re going to feed everyone takes its toll. So they think … fuck it. And spend it on drink and drugs: use the food bank to feel the family and then numb themselves) ….. The amount of other people’s teenagers clothes I’ve washed and dried… I’ve lost count. All their clothes and bedding so dirty they’re crusty and solid. Them being so ashamed they don’t come to the house. Just help Lauren or Tom carry it all up, and run away because they don’t want to see how disgusted I might be. And … I’m never disgusted. It isn’t their fault. My reward is when the kids tell me how happy they are, wearing clothes that aren’t stiff with dirt. Clean knickers and bras. Fresh bedding … often the first good nights sleep in months. I think I probably look like how Mrs E would look when I ate 3 meals a day at a normal time lol. She’s such a material person just she basically….. when I was with you and your family, it’s the safest I’d ever really felt. Before or since. You all had a positive impact on my life. I think you all should know that. People don’t say thank you enough in my opinion. Anyhoo… ill stop rambling at you now. Please stay in touch, even when you’re well and life is good ( which you absolutely deserve) Sending you big hugs. And I’m here whenever you need me, or just want to say hello and a quick update. Much love my sweet. Xxxx
Now in March I hope that spring brings green shoots of optimism and a little bit of budding of new and fresh positivity like from the first sighting of snowdrops to blue bells in fields of raw emotion in woodlands of ages past. Where hope spring eternal and I am pleased to hope that a little bit more of a positive attitude and things to believe in are finally here.
Though life does not unfold like a story written in a book, often enough with chapters of trials leading to happy endings. We still interpret what is happening and write it down to share as if it were a story or as though we have a tale to tell.
One thing I am grateful to discover and am seeing alot at the moment is the value of friendships, in work, within family, at home and socially too from talking , texting, meeting and greeting and sharing moments too.
People really have shown compassion, strength of belief in me and support in a way I sometimes don’t expect. Or I sometimes expect to have to cope alone in life or on my own without the support of others, where as in reality to have that support of a call or text at a certain time or a shared drink in a bar or cheering of a song I have sung and assistance with a task in work are all very much valued moments in time which are very much appreciated.
I am very much normally expect to rely on myself, but I have had a number of people remind me that I don’t need to do this all the time and that is comforting to see hear and know. As you get older you might think in some ways you are more alone but I feel if you give life and people a chance and reach out to others there is a chance that they will reach back to you too.
A leap year is now and will always be kind of strange time for me it will never reflect a good or normal year but will always be present with me for as long as I live as a day after the anniversary of my bros death . The thing is my brother departed from his life this world and our planet on the early morning of the 28th of February 2015 and so the first year anniversary of his death was a leap year, so this year is not just an anniversary of his death but an anniversary of another leap year taking place without him or the third lep year to be exact and 9 years in total time since he took his life.
I still hate the fact that he felt willing, able and hurt so bad and in some ways determined enough to take his own life. Me and my Dad had headed to my Dads house waiting for my brother to travel up from Cornwall to Devon, the night he took his own life so my Dad could discussing with him how much money he could borrow in order to help him change or turn his life around. Don’t get me wrong he paid his own way and was not broke he just wanted a career change and financial help to help him sort things out and get his career back on track. My brother was worried that his career was at a loose end and he was about to be made redundant from his job.
At the time you think these things are certainly going to be stresses for him but not enough to kill a man! I have found this year a struggle which i have not been afraid to admit in my life and in my posts and thought there is no magic solution I am doing ok and continuing to try and sort myself out. But that one night, that one night when my brother felt very bad and in a dark space he took the ultimate sanction and judgement on himself taking his life and from there we all have to pick up the pieces and continue with out ever being able to go back and retake the steps we have now taken after he left us.
A death ripples through other lives in time and space it burns, hurts and results in an unfillable void. If you or anyone you might know are ever are in that zone all I can say from having lost a brother, friend and seen my parents lose their first born son is please help and try to think again and ask them or yourself, does this really have to cause the damage and hurt you are about to cause to the ones you love, is there absolutely no alternative for you or them to no longer being on earth and alive today.
I went to a karaoke night tonight and sung my little heart out and got talking to a couple of good friends about my brother and his loss and found a good connection with them that i did not already have concerning the situation.
So sad 9th anniversary of your departing Andy Edwards will occur on 28th February 2024, I will always look forward to seeing you on the other side, but not just yet my brother and friend, not just yet.
Or February as some others like to call it
I feel like my body and soul was so eager to jump out of January, whilst not exactly sure what I was jumping into with February coming right up. I felt a little like my mind was racing and could more easily get stressed or snap at people and when you start researching stuff on google about issues such as why am I feeling stressed this time of year? Or why can I sleep like a hibernating bear and still feel tired? Or any other form of googling about negative emotions and this time of year then well to be fair your goner make yourself probably feel worse, a little informed perhaps but generally a lot worse too in the short term.
Although one good tip that I picked up from a colleague in work (and on err google) is that due to the ongoing lack of sunlight and lack of vitamin D in the body it can increase in seasonal affective disorder or SAD making you more tired, stressed and feeling flat or depressed. So I was recommended to and started to take some vitamin tablets and through either actually helping me or even just feeling better from trying to make some positive changes I am feeling less stressed and brain is racing around less.
I did not go out to a bar last weekend either a lot of my friends were going to a karaoke night and it’s quite busy and I feel a little uncomfortable getting up and singing there. So I did not go, it’s weird putting your name down their to sign on to sing feels like getting up and working there sometimes, as its a bit mad busy and hectic for me.
On the good news front though our wonderful landlord of the now shut Exeter Arcade is trying very hard to plan the opening of his as yet location not announced or revealed third bar. God bless him and all that drink at his future venue (when it finally opens). I have also booked a ferry, trains, a plane and automobile tickets for a visit to Ireland with my Dad which will be very exciting trip in March, to be sure, to be sure!
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